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Saturday, March 29, 2008

What is the right way to remember past?

What is the right way to remember past, which is so different from present?

When I was about 13 year old, I had a one year old cute little boy in my neighborhood. He almost grew up in my arms. I would get him my home, dance with him, feed him, laugh with him and teach him new actions. I simply loved him. I still remember those joyful moments spent with him.

Recently, when I visited India, I went back to my old neighborhood and to meet him. But when I saw him, I was extremely disappointed. He turned out to be not a gentleman. I just could not stand him, even for a few minutes; when I was wishfully planning to talk to him about those sweet-old days.

I came home confused. Then I meditated.

I realized that I was confused and upset because, I was linking his two pictures; the 1 year old cute boy and 27 year old repulsive man. I saw that with time and circumstances, he had grown far away from what I had expected. The only thing common between them was the name.

I realized that Life happens-it is not right or wrong. There is nothing wrong in continuing to remember him as a lovable 1 year old boy, even if I did not like him as a 27 year old man. They are two independent people, linked only with a name.

Perhaps, if I had liked him as a 27 year old man, may be I would have talked to him and stayed in touch; knowing very well that it would have also been totally different from his 1 year old picture.

So the problem was my attachment to his 1 year old picture and extrapolating it in a wishful direction.

WHEREAS, THE TRUTH IS PAST IS PAST. TO ENJOY IT, I SHOULD REVISIT IT LIKE GOING THROUGH AN OLD PHOTO ALBUM, WITHOUT EXPECTING RELATIONSHIPS/PEOPLE TO FREEZE IN TIME; OR EXPECTING THEM TO GROW ONLY IN A CERTAIN WISHFUL DIRECTION. I NEED TO “LET GO” OF THAT ATTACHMENT WITH MY PAST AND SIMPLY CHERISH THOSE MOMENTS.

Past is past and present is present; they cannot be linked or stretched. Each one of them is perfect in its own place.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Experiencing the Magic of Love

In October 2007, I did some exploring Physics activities with my 9 year old daughter’s class (here in US). Surprisingly, it took me decades back, down the memory lane when, I (at age 9), got my first memorable exposure to Physics in Delhi, India.
***
The flashback started off with my eyes glued to a display depicting generation of electricity from water; a moment which got me hooked to Physics forever. This memorable moment happened at the science fair in my first school.

My first school in some un-describe-able ways resonated with my “value” frequency of “self-discipline”. All through those 10 years; I was absolutely “myself” around nature, loving-caring friends, and warm-affectionate teachers.

But, I had to move on to a bigger school to complete my high school (grade 11-12).
***
However, that big school which was large both in its size and the number of students, felt very claustrophobic to me. Right from day one, I felt uneasy amidst its not-so-green campus, strict-discipline code, cold teachers, jealous classmates, and dirty looks from some boys.

While all this was happening, Subin joined my class. The class teacher asked me to help him out with math. During that phase, he spoke out his heartfelt feelings towards me. Since, I was clear that I wanted to stay focused on my studies without getting “distracted”. Therefore, in a shocked state, I said, “NO” and walked away.

As days passed by, I started building up anger against him; I felt that he took “undue advantage” of my helping him as a friend.

Soon after every morning, some heart shapes and insane words started appearing (in chalk) on the inside of my wooden desk. That was like the straw to break the camel’s back; I started breaking down in tears each time on seeing that dirty art work.

When the notes did not stop, I reported it to my class teacher and pointed that perhaps, he was the potential writer.

After that “reporting” day, even if we would cross each other’s way, he would not even greet me. We stopped talking to each other. I could see it from his long and pale face that he had got a strong dose. But my logical mind reasoned it out, saying that I had no choice. I reported against him to stop that every-morning-nonsense-on-my-desk.

Unfortunately, the “reporting” did not solve my problem. The notes continued to appear. It was only then, I registered that, he was not the culprit. I realized that I had mistakenly complained against him; but I just did not apologize.

Once we all moved to grade 12, the silence between us increased. Each time, I would turn around to bring out my notebooks from the bag hanging behind my chair; I would find him looking at me from his last desk. That would make me feel so uncomfortable that I would immediately look away.

His “gaze” had started disturbing me. The silence and the “strange way” in which he looked at me from the far end of those long corridors would stir me up.

My heart had recognized that his feelings were true.

There were moments when I found myself smiling about it during my sleep. But when I would wake up my mind would start knocking at me; reminding me to stay focused on studies. I did not acknowledge my heartfelt feelings; not-even-to-myself.

Then I overheard from classmates that he had started drinking-at-late-night-parties. I could see that his health was deteriorating. I heard my logical mind speak out loud and clear that, “He is a weak person.” During the day, I would pretend as if nothing was bothering me.

But somewhere, without my own awareness, I was slowly getting eaten up by the poisonous environment in the school and his “gaze”. I would be really mad at him and complain to myself, "Neither does he study himself, nor does he let me study."

My mind was perturbed. I would try to sleep, but no sleep would enter my closed, burning eyes. I felt tired, clamped, lost, anxious, frustrated, and unhappy. I was simply not myself.

Once the exams got over, I felt as if I had been released from a 2 year long imprisonment.

But even then without my asking, I continued to hear updates (from classmates) about his getting-off-the-track stories.

One day, in a quiet-relaxing moment; I heard a soft voice within me, urging me to talk to him. This time, I followed my heart and called him up. All I remember now, of that monologue is me telling him, “Don’t ruin your life”. But I do clearly remember experiencing a joy and lightness, after following that soft voice.

Towards the end of that year, I heard that he had cleared some exams, interviews, and was back-on-the-track. That day I thanked God and was really happy for him.

Then one evening I received a couple of “blank” calls. After the second call, I remembered (like a flash) that it was time for him to leave his home; to start his new life. Next time, when my phone (without any caller ID feature) rang again, I knew who was calling. For the next few minutes, I was quiet and he was quiet. Since, I wanted to close the chapter; I kept the phone down after that brief spell of silence.

My mind-wrecking high school chapter ended silently.
***
At college, I was "myself" once again. During those happy five years, I gradually forgot about my “miserable” past.

Once I completed MS is Physics, I experienced (for the first time in my life) a very strong set of feelings for another person. But, this time when I shared my heart felt feelings face-to-face; I got to hear a NO.

Later, while lying on my drenched pillow, I felt as if a sharp knife was penetrating slowly inside my heart. I experienced the pain of “feeling heartbroken”.

In that extremely-hurting-crying-melted-ego moment, after 6 years, I truly empathized with Subin. In that moment, I heard myself saying sorry for hurting him and thanking him for trying to “give” me something so precious.

Over the next few months, when I found my could-not-be-controlled-silent tears rolling out of my eyes anytime and anywhere; I regretted judging him weak.

But, I did not make any efforts to reach him; to communicate my heartfelt sorry and thanks. Instead I got myself lost into research work at IIT while healing my broken heart.
***
Recently (after 16 years), while writing about my student life, suddenly, it struck me that I owed Subin an apology; for mistakenly reporting against him that “every morning art work on my desk”.

As if God wanted me to apologize, with a friend’s help, I got his cell phone number. I immediately called him up (in India) and offered my apologies. While talking, I felt “lighter” as if a paper weight had been lifted off my head; letting my anger fly away.

After some days, I heard that familiar soft voice (from within) urging me to speak all I wished to communicate in that extremely-hurting-crying-melted-ego moment; and I found myself following it.

I sincerely apologized for hurting him without my awareness and for calling him weak. I respectfully, “thanked” him for his feelings towards me then and for allowing me to communicate it now. All this I said in a flow; as if I would pause, my ego might stop me. That was a significant, emancipating moment for me; for I felt I was floating-like-an-astronaut-inside-a-zero-gravity-space-shuttle.

When I kept the phone down, I experienced a lingering happiness in a quiet, peaceful state of mind. This happiness felt more profound than my normal happiness expressed as singing and dancing.
***
Now, I understand that feelings happen; but emotions can be controlled.

Now that I am a parent myself, I know that there is a “special support” which only a parent can provide. This realization makes me wish that I had shared my mental chaos (in high school) and heartbroken state (after MS) with my parents; instead of sharing it only with my sister or friends.

Further, I wish I had honestly acknowledged my heart felt feelings to myself (in high school); keeping aside all my fears of getting distracted off studies.

These realizations make me pray that neither mine nor anyone else's growing-up-children, when faced with similar circumstances ever commit these two mistakes and suffer unnecessarily.
***
Presently, I am feeling “myself” once again; loving-hugging everyone. As if, I have been reconnected to an infinite source of love which was lying “blocked” within me all these years. This feels so much like how water starts flowing freely through a water hose, when a knot along its length gets undone.

Now, I am experiencing the magic of love while “giving” warm bear hugs to everyone.

***
Aum Tat Sat (God is Truth)

Saturday, March 15, 2008

How can DUI of emotions take away peace?

How can Driving under Influence of emotions take away peace of mind?

Just as driving under influence (DUI) of alcohol disables the driver’s control over the steering wheel (of his car) and thereby leads to an accident on the road.

Similarly driving under influence of emotions (of passion, attachment, longing, desires, anger or hatred) for other human beings disables my control over my own thoughts and thereby leads to restlessness and misery in my life.

I have realized that the only right path to peace of mind is to extract happiness and love from within and to give it to each and every living being in my life.

For this reason, I pray to CONSTANTLY REMEMBER
(a) that all external sources of love and happiness are transitory and finite; they (eventually) always take away peace of mind and
(b) that the true-source-of-constant peace is residing within me.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Trusting the Power of Intention

Since last six months I have started recognizing the power of intention. I have experienced that whenever I sent out a sincere heartfelt wish, it gets arranged by the universe in some time. Here is what I experienced in three different situations.

***
That day it was September 17th and I was missing my mother a lot on her 11th death anniversary. In that moment I felt like writing something about my mother; what she was to me.

I heard myself making a wish that the dedication be up on my blog by September 21st (7 pm PST); so that my family (in India) could read it on the morning of my mother’s date of birth i.e., September 22nd.

I knew that one day out of those 5 days ahead, I was going to be on the road. So I had 4 days to write all I wished to; that too only 6 hours of each of those 4 days (when my kids would be away to their schools) totaling to 24 hours.

It was a wonderful-yet-strange experience completing that heartfelt dedication in 24 hours. I found myself writing with tears rolling out of eyes. Sometimes the visibility was so poor that, I could not even see the keyboard. But I typed and typed.

On the morning of September 21st, it was a Friday. My 9 year old daughter had a holiday and 4 year old son was in his preschool. While I was contemplating on how to keep her busy after breakfast; I felt that a magic wand put her to sleep. It was unbelievable, my daughter continued to sleep (out of her choice) till lunch hour while I wrote.

Just after lunch, one of my daughter’s friend’s mother called up to ask, if she could pick my daughter for her daughter’s birthday party. I was hesitant to trust the stranger-mom especially because none of my children had ever gone to a birthday party without either of the parents. However, I felt secured (regarding my daughter’s environmental allergies) by the way that physician-mom talked to me in person. I sent my daughter away to have fun at the birthday party.

My husband offered to pick up my daughter on his way back from the birthday party.

Around the same time another parent of my son’s classmate (in preschool) called me up to sync up a play date at her house for the evening. I knew my 4 year old shy son was a close friend of her son. But still I was hesitant to drop him off at another stranger-mom’s home.

I planned to sit in their backyard and edit while the kids played inside the home. But when I reached there, I found the house was clean, safe and siblings were having fun within limits. I felt a comfortable yes flowing out from within. My son waved me bye from the playing area and told me that like a big boy he would visit the restroom periodically while playing.

I went to the neighborhood park and started editing the dedication in the sinking sunlight. After an hour, I called up their home. The mother informed me that the kids wanted to play for another hour. My son repeated the same request and asked for my permission to eat the food she had cooked. I heard my "yes" coming out.

Once home, I started working hard and fast. Just then the door bell rang downstairs. I ignored it thinking they were my daughter’s friends. Next time the bell and my cell phone rang simultaneously. I took the phone call from my neighbor, who was ringing my door bell. Without getting into any formalities, I took the key from her hands to be given to somebody the next day, closed the door and rushed back to work.

I was in tears of joy, while putting up the dedication on my blog and emailing the link to my family members in India.

When I was driving to pick up my son, I sensed with gratitude that favorable circumstances had been especially arranged to fulfill my intention.

***

During my return journey from India, it occurred to me that my holiday was actually going to get over. I knew that after the next 11 hours (flying from Frankfurt to Los Angeles), the moment I would reach US, it would be the same old routine and responsibilities for me. In that moment it struck me that even though I know that I am not able to sit or sleep comfortably on the cushioned seats of the aircraft (because of my back injury); but instead of complaining I should choose to do something that is fun before my holiday terminates.

I knew my children and husband will eat, watch a movie and sleep; something I cannot do. So may be I should go around and have fun, enjoy all the infants on the flight, talk to the crew members and just hang around and write; without even thinking about my disability to sit or sleep. I heard myself saying, “I am going to have fun during this longest flight of my return journey.”

Once I was inside the plane, I found myself smiling when most of the other passengers were complaining about the anticipated long-killer flight.

After the first meal was served, I started following my plan. When most of the passengers in my cabin (lower level executive class) started getting ready to sleep, I stepped out of my seat and started conversing with the friendly crew. They talked about their lives on the ground when they are not flying high in the air. Those conversations were really fun and informative.

Then, I stepped out of the executive class to take a walk down the economy class. I started with my favorite i.e., playing with the infants sitting in the bassinets. While I was doing that, I saw the food cart coming towards me. I decided to interrupt my joyful interaction and move out of the way.

I found myself climbing stairs to take a walk on the upper level of the executive class. When I reached there, I was surprised to find that there were only four passengers. That gave me an idea that I could lie down on the area in front of the emergency exit door (like poor people sleeping on the side walk in India). That way my body would get the much needed rest and I would still be out of the way of passengers walking by.

I came down and shared this idea with my friendly crew members in the lower level. The lower level crew head immediately contacted the upper level crew head.

The crew head upstairs turned out to be not so kind and asked me to lie down in between the two seats. The seats were broad enough for me to squeeze in, but had three humps (protecting the cables under them) thereby making it not such a rosy bed. I knew that my body was crying for some rest. Therefore, I decided to lie down on my only choice of bed. I spread layers of blankets on the floor, took one on top of me, used my yoga blocks to support my feet and covered the eyes with my fleece jacket.

After 10 minutes of trying to sleep, I suddenly heard something fall. I thought it must be someone’s luggage dropping down from the cabin (above) during turbulence. When I removed my jacket from the eyes, it was all dark around me. I realized that something had fallen right on top of my face and “that something” was the front seat. All crew members came running when I called for help.

They lifted the fallen seat and helped me come out. I was told that the upper level crew head had allowed some sick passenger from economy class to come and sit there. However, when that passenger tried to open the seat, something snapped out and instead of 135°, the seat opened to 180°. Luckily it stopped just a few centimeters above my nose and the padding of my jacket saved my nose from getting injured.

I declared to the panicky crew, I refuse to sleep in between any seats. It was then that not-so-friendly head of the crew upstairs yielded and allowed me to lie down in front of the emergency exit area which was twice in width, smooth (no humps) and had no passengers sitting on the either of its four sides.

When I was preparing my make-shift bed in that area for a relaxing nap, I knew my intention had been heard and arranged for.

***

During my recent trip to India, I was trying to locate an old classmate from school. I was sincerely trying to reach him to make an apology for a long-forgotten-but-freshly-realized mistake committed by me; for which he had to suffer (during our high school years together).

But the only information I had was his first name and the year he joined the specific branch of the armed forces.

I asked a senior ex-service man (a neighbor of my aunt) for help. He told me point blank that without the "badge number" of a serviceman, I was looking for a needle in a haystack. He told me it was an almost impossible task.

I realized I needed to ask someone else for help. Next, I asked a dear old friend from IIT days for the same help; knowing that she has and had all men in her family (father, brother and husband) dedicated to the same branch of these services. Despite her sincere intentions to help me, she admitted that it was going to be extremely difficult to locate my old classmate with “such little information”.

After ten days when we were leaving from Delhi, she came to say good bye. That day she told me her plans to continue looking for my old classmate’s contact and of passing the information ASAP.

A fortnight later, she sent an email message (to my husband) with the cell phone number of my old classmate.

As soon as I read the forwarded message from my husband, I immediately called up the old classmate and apologized. He was shocked to hear my voice and even more shocked to know that I could reach him with that “little information”. He kept on asking me repeatedly, “How could you locate me with that “little information” amongst hundreds of service men in that 21 year old batch?”

I told him, “It got arranged”.

***

I now believe that intentions get arranged in its “spring season”.

With this newly found trust in the power of intention; today I pray that my aspiration to contribute towards educating young kids via exploration gets arranged. Now, I know that it will be arranged; without my worrying about "how" it will be arranged.

For all these experiences, I thank God for guiding me through this “maze” called life; just as I guide my 4 year old son (who is learning his alphabets) with his full-of-big-words-state-capital 48 piece puzzles.

When the above mentioned experiences happened, I found myself in the same state of joy as does my son on successfully completing his puzzles.