Smiling Mantra

On that bright-sunny Saturday morning in mid February, 2008; my family in US was having a video conference with my family back in India. When my father inquired about my 9 year old daughter’s food and environmental allergies (from cashews, pistachios, and dust mites), we informed him that the allergies were diminishing. My daughter herself merrily told everyone about all the good foods she had started eating again. That conversation ended smilingly.

***

Since the weather was really good after a long spell of storm-rain-and-chilly days, I decided to help my daughter with her math homework at the park. She rode her bike (with her backpack), and I walked along with her. Together we reached the square wooden table in our lush green campus.

As she opened the book to “Finding Averages”, I found her rubbing the eyes. I got up, fixed her hair band (to keep her hair out of the eyes) and signaled her to start.

When she started reading the definition and the example, I noticed that her eyes had started watering. To keep some possible-invisible-irritants out of her hands, I helped her wash hands with the water.

Then I started explaining her how to solve the sample problem. But instead of solving the problem I saw her scratching herself.

A few minutes later, she got up from her seat, came and sat on my lap with her legs crossed behind my waist; hugging me tightly with her head buried inside my shoulder. I heard her saying (almost crying) that she was feeling extremely itchy.

In that moment, I knew something was wrong and immediately poured out 1 teaspoon of Benadryl from her emergency kit (which she was carrying, just by chance) to calm down her body.

We returned back to her homework. But I noticed that her reaction was continuously increasing. In that moment, it struck me that somehow, she had touched one her big allergens cashews or pistachios; perhaps from the table. I realized that her body needed another dose. Since I knew it would put her to sleep while standing, I decided to rush back home right then.

The moment we stepped inside home, I administered its second dose. I hurriedly washed her hands with soap, changed her clothes, and tucked her inside the bed.

Standing there, looking at her sleeping; I thanked God and took a deep breathe, realizing that she was out of danger.

I found myself in a state of shock, experiencing how things changed by 180 degrees in less than an hour. In that fearful moment, for the very first time I registered the meaning of the often heard-read-and-spoken phrase, “Life is unpredictable”.

***

I trudged down the steps with an increased sense of fear. My heavy body wanted to crash, but I knew I could not sit down unless I had washed each and every thing she had touched (to prevent the recurrence of such a reaction).

In that confused state of mind I washed the bike handle, the helmet, and the door knob with a wet cloth. Next, I emptied her backpack (holding it upside down) and put it on top of the pile of her clothes to be washed.

Tearing away the pages from her notebook, I felt my heart tearing apart with the question “Why on earth do these reactions happen only to my daughter?”

I felt my tears rolling down my cheeks while turning on the water tap with a tissue paper and washing her pencils in running water. I found myself contemplating about my decision to take her to the park.

Wiping the thick pages of her Math book with a fresh damp cloth, I heard my scared mind speak aloud. It was warning me that she can get such a reaction even while coming down the slide or doing the monkey bars in the park. Therefore (for her safety), perhaps I should keep her inside home.

When I was finally washing my hands with soap, I heard the garage open. I overheard my husband and son walking in cheerfully. In my fearful voice I shared with them, all that had happened while they were gone.

Since, I was feeling very depressed and wished to be left alone with my sleeping daughter; I asked them to attend the send-off party of our neighbor. After a few arguments (between me and my husband), I reluctantly yielded to the decision that I will go to the party once they were back.

***

Once they left, instead of going in for a shower (to get ready for the party) I found my drained body dragging me towards the bed.

I lay down next to my sleeping daughter with silent-continuous tears streaming out of my eyes. I started praying with my eyes shut tight. I sensed my palms placed (facing down) on my belly rising high and low with each passing breath.

In that quiet-and-still moment, when I could even hear the birds chirping outside the closed windows, I heard from within, “Everything happens for good, even if the good is not visible in that moment.” As soon as I heard these golden word, I saw my thoughts taking a U-turn and I continued to pray.

The next thought that surfaced was that of a handicapped child confined to his wheelchair in the park; something I had casually witnessed a few weeks ago. I remembered his smiling face while watching other kids running around. Then I zoomed into that extremely cheerful smile on his mothers face. In that heart warming moment, I realized that there are so many mothers in this world who are dealing with bigger problems (than mine) each day without complaining or being fearful. I heard myself say, “I am luckier than so many parents.” and sensed my hands wiping off my last-set-of-tears involuntarily.

Then , I heard myself saying that whatever happened had to happen. The best thing was that I was there with her and did all I could to prevent the reaction from escalating. Therefore, I will not stop my daughter from going to the playground or the park. But, I will make sure that she carries her emergency kit everywhere.

With similar positive thoughts rising up, I realized that it is only ‘this present moment’ I have in hand, nothing else. A moment in which, I can either choose to complain-brood-and-feel-insecure or enjoy-and-feel-secure-trusting-the-supreme-power.

Feeling recharged with those secure thoughts, I rose out of the bed smilingly. My body was no longer heavy and I felt like dancing.

In that joyous moment, I brought out a brand new heavy suit (salwar-kameez) and my favorite-yet-always-kept-away-for-a-very-special-occasion jewelry set to wear at my neighbor’s send-off party. Even though, I was aware that this was not a special occasion. But, I chose that outfit simply because I had realized I may never get a chance to wear it.

***

Ever since that day, I have started appreciating the importance of each moment. Now, I find myself smiling swaying to the beats of a cheerful song while driving even when I am stuck in the peak-hour traffic jam.

Now, my mantra for smiling is, “Since, this is the only moment I have available. Therefore, dig the good out of it even if it appears to be not-so-good."

How do I use signals from ego/spiritual planes?

How do I connect the two pictures (of my interactions with people) from the ego-plane and the spiritual-plane?

In my interactions with people, I realized that I sense certain uncomfortable messages while conversing from my ego-plane. Somewhere, I feel that the other person is hiding something and that is why I start feeling uncomfortable.

But when I revisit the same scene in spiritual plane, I see an absolutely different picture of the same conversation. I get to hear “what” and “why” the other person is hiding from me, the truth behind the conversation. But seeing everything in this spiritual-plane does not make me feel angry; for I feel so full of His love.

***

This morning, I woke up with the thought as to what is the use of these two pictures.

I heard that the two pictures are like the two views of a building.

The sensations I get in the ego-plane are like the front view of the building, e.g., showing how tall the building is.

On the other hand, the truths seen in spiritual plane are like the top view from a bird’s eye. It shows the top structure and the periphery around the building, e.g., the roof top balcony and the green pastures surrounding the building.

However, for a 3-D model both are needed to depict the complete picture. Either one (front view or top view) is incomplete, as it gives only the 2-D view.

***
Similarly, I feel that all these years, I could only get the ego-plane picture. But, now, that I am blessed to have the spiritual-plane picture. The wisest thing for me to do is to precisely put the two sets of information together and based on that, interact with other people.

I know that if I interact with ego-plane sensations, I land up feeling uncomfortable. On the other hand, when I interact with spiritual plane feelings I land up excusing all people and nothing bothers me. However, the problem comes up because my excusing other people does not change the other person’s intentions and behavior. And I land up getting into bigger messes and more hurt.

So, the smartest conclusion is to find balance. I use my ego-plane sensations to register what is going on. But use my spiritual-plane sights to calm myself down, to forgive people for what they are doing. However, the biggest lesson is to stay alert for I know they are what they are. They will not change their ways of thinking/acting, just because I wish them to change; this I need to remember always. The other person will change when his time will come and he will start introspection.

As a result, I need to use the readings from each plane in a good balance, to retain my state of calmness.

For this, if possible have minimum interaction with people who cause chaos.

If for some reasons, the interactions cannot be minimized; remember from the spiritual-plane feeling what they truly are. Then interact with them holding God’s hand, feeling God’s presence and staying with God. In other words start being in Constant Remembrance, for it surely helps.

Exploring Speed and Projectile Motion (On Youtube)

Here is the link to the presentation of "Exploring the concepts of Speed, angle and Projectile Motion" at Living Wisdom School, Palo Alto, Ca (on Friday, April 18th 2008):
http://www.youtube.com/user/enchantiva

The complete text of the script for this presentation is at:
http://surrenderlistenandgive.blogspot.com/2008/04/exploring-launching-of-satellites.html

Happy Exploring,
Gunjan

My Mother's Love (India Currents)

Here is the link to the writing which appeared in May 2008 issue of India currents.
It is at
http://www.indiacurrents.com/news/view_article.html?article_id=1269e7084d8d4e97d7f7f280df972d52&this_category_id=144

Can this Mind Box be emptied of all thoughts?

Does the mind box always need to be full or it can stay happy empty?

For, the last few weeks, I had been struggling with some distracting thoughts during meditation I was seeking them to vanish. And out of meditation, I was praying and remembering God so that I my thoughts get focused on Him. But, I realized that it was turning out to be extremely difficult.

This morning during a tearful meditation, instead of asking all disturbing-tempting-and-frustrating thoughts to go away; I asked Him, “Why is it that I am not able to focus on God?” and I heard, “Attachment”. I realized I was getting entrapped in the net of “attachment”. And I was blaming 2 sets of people around me, one for pushing me towards it and the second for entrapping me into it.

Once out of meditation, while checking emails, I saw an email from one of the Physics teachers (in the Physics Teachers Yahoo Group) who had been desperately seeking help from other teachers to explain a certain concept to her High School Students, for the last two days. Each time she would write an elaborate-detailed email explaining how she was brain storming back and forth between her students (in class) and with other teachers (in Yahoo Group). I could see that, for, the last two days, she was thinking Physics and was making each one of us think Physics. This morning, it struck me that she was eating, sleeping and driving with her “Physics” thoughts. I remembered, that this is precisely the way I was during my BS, MS, Ph.D. in Physics, and later while teaching Physics at the University.

In that moment, it hit me that she was thinking “Physics” the same way; I was thinking about my “disturbing” thoughts.
Then it occurred to me that each one of us has the same mind box, which NEEDS to be filled up with some thoughts all the time.

Looking back, about my own major “set of thoughts” through different phases, I realized that during childhood the thoughts were of pretend games, exploring and creativity. During high school and college, they were predominantly academics and most focused towards Physics while doing Ph.D. While teaching the thoughts were focused on simplifying the subject and on how to communicate better with my students. Once I had kids with frequent-and-major health issues, the thoughts shifted to predominantly “worrying about their recovery”. It is only, when I had back injury last year; that I actually found the connection with the divinity within and I started thinking about Him.

Of all these sets of thoughts, the thoughts of God were the weakest and the mildest in intensity most of the time. I had realized that when I am out of those 1-3 meditations every day, it is hard for me to visualize Him and sense His divinity. And on top of that, other desirable-tempting-and-frustrating thoughts around me have always been much stronger in their impact; partly because there sources are visible and are constantly around me.

However, I know through experience that His thoughts, which are strong once in a while and are weak, bland and calm most of the time; are true. Therefore, I wish to choose to think about His thoughts, above all other tempting, luring, frustrating, angry thoughts; which are all false but flashy, loud and omnipresent.

Now, I have realized that this mind called box cannot ever be empty. It needs to be filled up with some thoughts all the time. But, I can choose as to what thoughts I fill up my mind with.

Today, I pray to fill my mind with the thoughts which are filling my heart, His thoughts; even if they are dull and non-exciting. For, I trust, that as I dig deeper, connect stronger to the one within; His thoughts will continue to stay stronger even out of meditation. I trust “this” thought, for I trust Him and His seldom-experienced-strong-joyful-loving thoughts. Now, I know that I just need to trust the process and keep digging deeper, connecting stronger and staying focused on Him.

Now, I have realized that it does not help to blame others for entrapping me. This is my life and my choice. Now, I choose not to blame others for my mess; instead I choose to seek Him to come out of “any” mess with His help. I wish not to focus on the cause of the mess, but the way out of the mess. For, this “right thinking”, I thank God once again.

As of today, I understand that the mind box needs to be filled up constantly, with God thought or whatever.

With Much Gratitude,
Gunjan

May 10,2008

Is the INNER VOICE always the same?

I experience different types of inner voices during each meditation session. Is it the same source talking to me in different tones or different voices talking to me in their inherent tones?

Recently, I noticed that sometimes the meditation is strong and clear, whereas other times it calm and some other times it is all scattered. During these wide variety of sessions, I hear (and sense) a wide variety of voices (and impulses).

***

During my walk, I felt that these conversations are similar to lunch time conversation between me and my 9 year old daughter.

Usually, when I serve her spinach, vegetables, lentil, yogurt and rice; which is yummy for her and healthy for me; both of us are content and happy. We enjoy our meal together.

The problem comes, when her eyes fall on a new granola bar packed in a pretty packet sitting on one of the shelves. On detecting that she immediately starts begging with lots of please(s) and smiles, seeking my permission to eat that instead of her everyday healthy meal. As a mother, I know she will not get the same nourishment, yet I reluctantly yield; for I wish her to be happy and realize it herself.

I pick up that never-ever-tasted before granola bar, read through the ingredients written in fine prints and warn her further that it has some ingredients which she might not like. But, since she has already made up her mind (by yielding to external sense); she snatches it out of my hand and she seeks my verbal approval one last time. I smile at her, utter out that forcibly extracted “Yes” and let her eat.

She opens it with great enthusiasm, rolling her eyes and singing. The moment, she takes the first bite her facial expressions change drastically. She screams, “This tastes yucky.” She throws away the packet, runs down to the basin to spit everything out of her mouth and comes back to eat healthy-yummy home cooked food.

***

Along the same lines, there are times when the voice and the vision experienced during meditation are strong-loud and clear. I experience a force from within, encouraging me to say/do certain things. Once, out of meditation, I follow it through and experience joy. This is like the healthy food served by the mother (me) to her daughter, when both feel happy during and after completing the meal.

But there are some other days, when the meditation is OK. No great visuals or audible experiences. Those days, when I am seeking an answer or permission to do something; I hear a weak-reluctant-yielding-kind-of-yes from within. Once, out of mediation, I follow it through and this time I experience frustration. This is like the bitter taste after following the temptation to try that brand-new-great-looking-but-yucky-tasting granola bar.

After experiencing the frustration, I realize the mistake and pledge never to commit it again. I promise myself to remember the discrete difference between experiencing a force from the divinity within and forcibly seeking permission from divinity. For, the divinity residing within me is indeed like that well-wishing mother.

To me it feels the same voice talking to me in different tones; like the mother telling or yielding to her daughter. However, the impulses I wish to tune into a given moment could be higher or lower; like the daughter enjoying healthy food or getting distracted by tempting-looking-junk food. Each time I am tuned into a higher impulse, He supports me by forcing me in that direction. On the other hand, when I tune into a lower impulse, He reluctantly gives a green signal. Now, I know that He does so, for He knows what is good/bad for me and He is my truest well-wisher.

***

Therefore, I pray that my awareness and sensitivity about knowing the difference in the tones, namely, go-for-it-I-am-with-you or Ok-if-you-insist-go-ahead; between the two extreme tones of the inner-voice enhances. This is assuming that I cannot distinguish between a lower and a higher impulse, for I am naive and weak; quiet capable of making wrong choices.

Also, I pray that in complete trust and surrender, I choose to yield to His choices (for me) instead of making Him yield (to my choice).

Learning to Live in the Moment

Learning to Live in the Moment
On that bright-sunny Saturday morning in mid February, 2008; my family (in US) was having a video conference with my family back in India. When my father inquired about my 9 year old daughter’s food and environmental (from cashews, pistachios, and dust mites) allergies, we told him that the things were improving. My daughter herself told everyone merrily about all the good foods she had started eating again. That conversation ended happily.

Since the weather was extremely good after a long spell of storm-rain-and-chilly days, I decided to help my daughter with her math homework at the park. So, she rode her bike (with backpack on her back), and I walked along with her. Together we reached the corner square wooden table in our lush green campus.

As she opened her book to “Finding Averages”, I found her rubbing the eyes. I got up, fixed her hair band to keep her hair out of the eyes and signaled her to start.
When she started reading the definition and the example, I noticed that her eyes had started watering. To take some invisible irritants out of her hands, I helped her wash her hands with the water.

Then I started explaining her how to solve the sample problem. But instead of solving the problem I saw her scratching herself. Minutes later, she got up from her seat, came and sat on my lap; hugging me tightly with her head buried inside my shoulder. I heard her saying (almost crying) that she was feeling extremely itchy. I immediately poured out 1 teaspoon of Benadryl from her emergency kit (which she was carrying, just by chance) to calm down her body.

We returned back to her homework. But I noticed that her reaction was continuously increasing. In that moment, it struck me that she had accidentally touched one her big allergens cashews or pistachios; perhaps from the table. I realized that her body needed another dose of Benadryl. Since I knew that would put her to sleep while standing, I decided to rush back home immediately before.

As soon as we stepped inside home, I administered the second dose of Benadryl. I hurriedly washed her hands with soap, changed her clothes, and tucked her inside the bed. Standing there, looking at her sleeping; I thanked God and breathed deeply realizing that she was out-of-danger.

I found myself in a state of shock, experiencing for the first time how things changed by 180 degrees in less than an hour. In that fearful moment, I registered that “Life is Unpredictable”.

***

I trudged down the steps with an increased sense of fear. My body wanted to crash, but I knew I could not sit down unless I had washed each and every thing she had touched; to prevent the recurrence of such a reaction.

I started washing the bike handle, the helmet, and the door knob with a wet cloth. Next, I emptied her backpack and put it on top of the pile of her clothes to be washed. While tearing away the pages from her notebook, I felt my heart tearing apart with a question as to why on earth do these reactions happen only to my daughter.

While opening the water tap with a tissue paper and washing her pencils in running water, I contemplated if I had committed the mistake by taking her to the park.
While wiping the thick pages of her Math book with a fresh damp cloth, I heard my alarmed mind. It was warning me that since such a reaction can take place anytime and anywhere, while coming down the slide or doing the monkey bars in the park. Therefore, for her safety I should simply keep her inside home.

When I was finally washing my hands with soap, I heard the garage open. I heard my husband and son walking in cheerfully. In my low-fearful voice, I told them all that had happened while they were gone. Since, I was feeling very low, I asked them to attend the send-off party for our neighbor as per our plan. We decided that I will go there once they were back; so that our daughter could continue to sleep.

***

Once they left, instead of going in for a shower to get ready; I found my drained body dragging me towards the bed.

I lied down next to my sleeping daughter with silent-continuous tears streaming out of my eyes. I started seeking God’s guidance for the security and clarity of my thoughts. I felt my palms placed (facing down) on my belly rising high and low with each passing breath.

In that quiet-and-still moment, when I could hear the birds chirping outside through the sound-proof windows; I recollected one of my beliefs. I always believed that everything happens for good, even if I am not able to see the good in it in that moment. When that surfaced, I saw my thoughts taking a U-turn.

Searching desperately, for a positive lesson in this mess; I made a conscious effort to tune into my heart and out of my logical mind. I heard a soft voice tell me that it is only “a” moment that I have in hand, nothing else; because life really is unpredictable. “A” moment in which, I can either choose to complain-brood-feel-insecure or enjoy-with-a-bigger-trust-and-security.

Then, I remembered seeing handicapped kids in the park who cannot walk, see, or use their minds as per their age. I zoomed into the pain and the helplessness on their parents faces. In that moment, I realized there are so many other kids and mothers who are dealing with much bigger problems each day. Compared to that, my daughter’s allergic reaction is nothing. I heard myself say, “I am luckier than so many parents.” I felt my hands wiping my last-set-of-tears.

Then, a soft voice from within asked me what could have been better circumstances than this to shatter the illusion that my daughter is out of her allergies? In addition, what could have been better this that, I was with her and did all I could do to prevent it from escalating? I heard myself say, “Yes, Nothing could have been better.” I felt reassured that taking her to the park was not a mistake. What happened had to happen.

With more such positive thoughts rising up, I heard myself saying that I will not stop my daughter from going to the playground or the park in a bigger trust. Though, I will make a conscious effort to make sure that she carries her emergency kit everywhere.

Feeling recharged with those secure thoughts, I rose out of the bed smilingly.
In that wonderful moment, I brought out a brand new heavy salwar-kameez suit and my favorite-yet-always-kept-away-for-a-very-special-occasion jewelry set to wear at the party. Even though, I was aware that the occasion did not call for “such” dressing up. But, I chose that outfit simply because I might never get a chance to wear it; for KAL HO NA HO (meaning I may not live the next day).

***

Ever since that day, I am finding inspiration everywhere.

During one such inspirational moment, I got inspired by a 4 year old girl (in my son's class) coloring a flower with her head placed on top of the left arm, thereby resting it completely on the table. What caught my attention was the contentment on her face and the ease in her body while coloring. I saw that she was 100% focused, while coloring; both physically and mentally.

It made me realize how-I-am-never-present in most of the things I do. When I am on the phone talking to a friend, I am either checking emails or cooking dinner. When I am driving alone, I am constantly thinking about what I have to do next or what someone had told me. In other words, I am always, either in the next moment or in the past moment, but never 100% in the present moment.

This realization made me wish to be like her, to be fully present; even if it is only for a few seconds each day.

I remembered when I was growing up in favorable circumstances with no responsibilities; I was like that little girl. However, with time, as responsibilities increased and circumstances turned out to be challenging, I started taking pride in multi-tasking; even while doing my favorite activities.

***

Something happened, the other day while walking. I was looking towards the far away beautiful sunset and I stumbled on a piece of sharp rock lying in my path. In that moment it struck me that I got hurt because I was walking with my attention on far away distant point, without paying attention to my immediate step; which seemed really foolish to me. I felt as if God was holding my ear and showing me that this is what happens when you are not paying attention to your immediate step. It felt as if He was warning me not to get distracted by the beautiful/worrisome future, and suggesting me to pay attention to the present moment.

During that blessed walk, I also remembered how, I often find my kids playing “walking backwards” game. They love playing that game and stop playing it, only after they get hurt. In that divine moment, it struck me that walking backwards is like clinging to the past moment. As if, God was telling me, that too leads to accidents.

During that very special evening walk, everything seemed conspicuous. That walking backwards is like clinging to the past and walking with focus on the far away sight is like focusing on the future. Just as I am bound to have an accident because I am paying attention to anything other than the immediate step. Similarly, I am bound to suffer, if I am paying attention to every moment other than the only-available present moment called “now”.

***

Now, that I have realized, the significance of the present moment. I feel it is more than just a wish; in fact to be joyful, it is a NEED to be fully present in the moment.

As a conscious effort trying to fulfill that need, I have now started running through the sprinklers with my kids and sometimes even alone during my morning walk. I have started calling up dear people, as often as possible. I have started hugging people. I have started singing and almost dancing to the music playing in my car, without caring about the opinion of people driving cars around me. I have started pausing, to listen to the chirping of the birds. I have started walking closer to the flowers to appreciate their beauty. And, I have started diverting out of the walking trail, just to have a closer look at the toothless-innocent-pure-giggles of the infants in the park.

Presently, I am enjoying; learning to live in the moment.