Here is the link to the presentation of "Exploring the concepts of Speed, angle and Projectile Motion" at Living Wisdom School, Palo Alto, Ca (on Friday, April 18th 2008):
http://www.youtube.com/user/enchantiva
The complete text of the script for this presentation is at:
http://surrenderlistenandgive.blogspot.com/2008/04/exploring-launching-of-satellites.html
Happy Exploring,
Gunjan
Surrender, Listen and Give Contact at Contact@FollowThyHeart.Org
About Me
Saturday, May 17, 2008
My Mother's Love (India Currents)
Here is the link to the writing which appeared in May 2008 issue of India currents.
It is at
http://www.indiacurrents.com/news/view_article.html?article_id=1269e7084d8d4e97d7f7f280df972d52&this_category_id=144
It is at
http://www.indiacurrents.com/news/view_article.html?article_id=1269e7084d8d4e97d7f7f280df972d52&this_category_id=144
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Can this Mind Box be emptied of all thoughts?
Does the mind box always need to be full or it can stay happy empty?
For, the last few weeks, I had been struggling with some distracting thoughts during meditation I was seeking them to vanish. And out of meditation, I was praying and remembering God so that I my thoughts get focused on Him. But, I realized that it was turning out to be extremely difficult.
This morning during a tearful meditation, instead of asking all disturbing-tempting-and-frustrating thoughts to go away; I asked Him, “Why is it that I am not able to focus on God?” and I heard, “Attachment”. I realized I was getting entrapped in the net of “attachment”. And I was blaming 2 sets of people around me, one for pushing me towards it and the second for entrapping me into it.
Once out of meditation, while checking emails, I saw an email from one of the Physics teachers (in the Physics Teachers Yahoo Group) who had been desperately seeking help from other teachers to explain a certain concept to her High School Students, for the last two days. Each time she would write an elaborate-detailed email explaining how she was brain storming back and forth between her students (in class) and with other teachers (in Yahoo Group). I could see that, for, the last two days, she was thinking Physics and was making each one of us think Physics. This morning, it struck me that she was eating, sleeping and driving with her “Physics” thoughts. I remembered, that this is precisely the way I was during my BS, MS, Ph.D. in Physics, and later while teaching Physics at the University.
In that moment, it hit me that she was thinking “Physics” the same way; I was thinking about my “disturbing” thoughts.
Then it occurred to me that each one of us has the same mind box, which NEEDS to be filled up with some thoughts all the time.
Looking back, about my own major “set of thoughts” through different phases, I realized that during childhood the thoughts were of pretend games, exploring and creativity. During high school and college, they were predominantly academics and most focused towards Physics while doing Ph.D. While teaching the thoughts were focused on simplifying the subject and on how to communicate better with my students. Once I had kids with frequent-and-major health issues, the thoughts shifted to predominantly “worrying about their recovery”. It is only, when I had back injury last year; that I actually found the connection with the divinity within and I started thinking about Him.
Of all these sets of thoughts, the thoughts of God were the weakest and the mildest in intensity most of the time. I had realized that when I am out of those 1-3 meditations every day, it is hard for me to visualize Him and sense His divinity. And on top of that, other desirable-tempting-and-frustrating thoughts around me have always been much stronger in their impact; partly because there sources are visible and are constantly around me.
However, I know through experience that His thoughts, which are strong once in a while and are weak, bland and calm most of the time; are true. Therefore, I wish to choose to think about His thoughts, above all other tempting, luring, frustrating, angry thoughts; which are all false but flashy, loud and omnipresent.
Now, I have realized that this mind called box cannot ever be empty. It needs to be filled up with some thoughts all the time. But, I can choose as to what thoughts I fill up my mind with.
Today, I pray to fill my mind with the thoughts which are filling my heart, His thoughts; even if they are dull and non-exciting. For, I trust, that as I dig deeper, connect stronger to the one within; His thoughts will continue to stay stronger even out of meditation. I trust “this” thought, for I trust Him and His seldom-experienced-strong-joyful-loving thoughts. Now, I know that I just need to trust the process and keep digging deeper, connecting stronger and staying focused on Him.
Now, I have realized that it does not help to blame others for entrapping me. This is my life and my choice. Now, I choose not to blame others for my mess; instead I choose to seek Him to come out of “any” mess with His help. I wish not to focus on the cause of the mess, but the way out of the mess. For, this “right thinking”, I thank God once again.
As of today, I understand that the mind box needs to be filled up constantly, with God thought or whatever.
With Much Gratitude,
Gunjan
May 10,2008
For, the last few weeks, I had been struggling with some distracting thoughts during meditation I was seeking them to vanish. And out of meditation, I was praying and remembering God so that I my thoughts get focused on Him. But, I realized that it was turning out to be extremely difficult.
This morning during a tearful meditation, instead of asking all disturbing-tempting-and-frustrating thoughts to go away; I asked Him, “Why is it that I am not able to focus on God?” and I heard, “Attachment”. I realized I was getting entrapped in the net of “attachment”. And I was blaming 2 sets of people around me, one for pushing me towards it and the second for entrapping me into it.
Once out of meditation, while checking emails, I saw an email from one of the Physics teachers (in the Physics Teachers Yahoo Group) who had been desperately seeking help from other teachers to explain a certain concept to her High School Students, for the last two days. Each time she would write an elaborate-detailed email explaining how she was brain storming back and forth between her students (in class) and with other teachers (in Yahoo Group). I could see that, for, the last two days, she was thinking Physics and was making each one of us think Physics. This morning, it struck me that she was eating, sleeping and driving with her “Physics” thoughts. I remembered, that this is precisely the way I was during my BS, MS, Ph.D. in Physics, and later while teaching Physics at the University.
In that moment, it hit me that she was thinking “Physics” the same way; I was thinking about my “disturbing” thoughts.
Then it occurred to me that each one of us has the same mind box, which NEEDS to be filled up with some thoughts all the time.
Looking back, about my own major “set of thoughts” through different phases, I realized that during childhood the thoughts were of pretend games, exploring and creativity. During high school and college, they were predominantly academics and most focused towards Physics while doing Ph.D. While teaching the thoughts were focused on simplifying the subject and on how to communicate better with my students. Once I had kids with frequent-and-major health issues, the thoughts shifted to predominantly “worrying about their recovery”. It is only, when I had back injury last year; that I actually found the connection with the divinity within and I started thinking about Him.
Of all these sets of thoughts, the thoughts of God were the weakest and the mildest in intensity most of the time. I had realized that when I am out of those 1-3 meditations every day, it is hard for me to visualize Him and sense His divinity. And on top of that, other desirable-tempting-and-frustrating thoughts around me have always been much stronger in their impact; partly because there sources are visible and are constantly around me.
However, I know through experience that His thoughts, which are strong once in a while and are weak, bland and calm most of the time; are true. Therefore, I wish to choose to think about His thoughts, above all other tempting, luring, frustrating, angry thoughts; which are all false but flashy, loud and omnipresent.
Now, I have realized that this mind called box cannot ever be empty. It needs to be filled up with some thoughts all the time. But, I can choose as to what thoughts I fill up my mind with.
Today, I pray to fill my mind with the thoughts which are filling my heart, His thoughts; even if they are dull and non-exciting. For, I trust, that as I dig deeper, connect stronger to the one within; His thoughts will continue to stay stronger even out of meditation. I trust “this” thought, for I trust Him and His seldom-experienced-strong-joyful-loving thoughts. Now, I know that I just need to trust the process and keep digging deeper, connecting stronger and staying focused on Him.
Now, I have realized that it does not help to blame others for entrapping me. This is my life and my choice. Now, I choose not to blame others for my mess; instead I choose to seek Him to come out of “any” mess with His help. I wish not to focus on the cause of the mess, but the way out of the mess. For, this “right thinking”, I thank God once again.
As of today, I understand that the mind box needs to be filled up constantly, with God thought or whatever.
With Much Gratitude,
Gunjan
May 10,2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Is the INNER VOICE always the same?
I experience different types of inner voices during each meditation session. Is it the same source talking to me in different tones or different voices talking to me in their inherent tones?
Recently, I noticed that sometimes the meditation is strong and clear, whereas other times it calm and some other times it is all scattered. During these wide variety of sessions, I hear (and sense) a wide variety of voices (and impulses).
***
During my walk, I felt that these conversations are similar to lunch time conversation between me and my 9 year old daughter.
Usually, when I serve her spinach, vegetables, lentil, yogurt and rice; which is yummy for her and healthy for me; both of us are content and happy. We enjoy our meal together.
The problem comes, when her eyes fall on a new granola bar packed in a pretty packet sitting on one of the shelves. On detecting that she immediately starts begging with lots of please(s) and smiles, seeking my permission to eat that instead of her everyday healthy meal. As a mother, I know she will not get the same nourishment, yet I reluctantly yield; for I wish her to be happy and realize it herself.
I pick up that never-ever-tasted before granola bar, read through the ingredients written in fine prints and warn her further that it has some ingredients which she might not like. But, since she has already made up her mind (by yielding to external sense); she snatches it out of my hand and she seeks my verbal approval one last time. I smile at her, utter out that forcibly extracted “Yes” and let her eat.
She opens it with great enthusiasm, rolling her eyes and singing. The moment, she takes the first bite her facial expressions change drastically. She screams, “This tastes yucky.” She throws away the packet, runs down to the basin to spit everything out of her mouth and comes back to eat healthy-yummy home cooked food.
***
Along the same lines, there are times when the voice and the vision experienced during meditation are strong-loud and clear. I experience a force from within, encouraging me to say/do certain things. Once, out of meditation, I follow it through and experience joy. This is like the healthy food served by the mother (me) to her daughter, when both feel happy during and after completing the meal.
But there are some other days, when the meditation is OK. No great visuals or audible experiences. Those days, when I am seeking an answer or permission to do something; I hear a weak-reluctant-yielding-kind-of-yes from within. Once, out of mediation, I follow it through and this time I experience frustration. This is like the bitter taste after following the temptation to try that brand-new-great-looking-but-yucky-tasting granola bar.
After experiencing the frustration, I realize the mistake and pledge never to commit it again. I promise myself to remember the discrete difference between experiencing a force from the divinity within and forcibly seeking permission from divinity. For, the divinity residing within me is indeed like that well-wishing mother.
To me it feels the same voice talking to me in different tones; like the mother telling or yielding to her daughter. However, the impulses I wish to tune into a given moment could be higher or lower; like the daughter enjoying healthy food or getting distracted by tempting-looking-junk food. Each time I am tuned into a higher impulse, He supports me by forcing me in that direction. On the other hand, when I tune into a lower impulse, He reluctantly gives a green signal. Now, I know that He does so, for He knows what is good/bad for me and He is my truest well-wisher.
***
Therefore, I pray that my awareness and sensitivity about knowing the difference in the tones, namely, go-for-it-I-am-with-you or Ok-if-you-insist-go-ahead; between the two extreme tones of the inner-voice enhances. This is assuming that I cannot distinguish between a lower and a higher impulse, for I am naive and weak; quiet capable of making wrong choices.
Also, I pray that in complete trust and surrender, I choose to yield to His choices (for me) instead of making Him yield (to my choice).
Recently, I noticed that sometimes the meditation is strong and clear, whereas other times it calm and some other times it is all scattered. During these wide variety of sessions, I hear (and sense) a wide variety of voices (and impulses).
***
During my walk, I felt that these conversations are similar to lunch time conversation between me and my 9 year old daughter.
Usually, when I serve her spinach, vegetables, lentil, yogurt and rice; which is yummy for her and healthy for me; both of us are content and happy. We enjoy our meal together.
The problem comes, when her eyes fall on a new granola bar packed in a pretty packet sitting on one of the shelves. On detecting that she immediately starts begging with lots of please(s) and smiles, seeking my permission to eat that instead of her everyday healthy meal. As a mother, I know she will not get the same nourishment, yet I reluctantly yield; for I wish her to be happy and realize it herself.
I pick up that never-ever-tasted before granola bar, read through the ingredients written in fine prints and warn her further that it has some ingredients which she might not like. But, since she has already made up her mind (by yielding to external sense); she snatches it out of my hand and she seeks my verbal approval one last time. I smile at her, utter out that forcibly extracted “Yes” and let her eat.
She opens it with great enthusiasm, rolling her eyes and singing. The moment, she takes the first bite her facial expressions change drastically. She screams, “This tastes yucky.” She throws away the packet, runs down to the basin to spit everything out of her mouth and comes back to eat healthy-yummy home cooked food.
***
Along the same lines, there are times when the voice and the vision experienced during meditation are strong-loud and clear. I experience a force from within, encouraging me to say/do certain things. Once, out of meditation, I follow it through and experience joy. This is like the healthy food served by the mother (me) to her daughter, when both feel happy during and after completing the meal.
But there are some other days, when the meditation is OK. No great visuals or audible experiences. Those days, when I am seeking an answer or permission to do something; I hear a weak-reluctant-yielding-kind-of-yes from within. Once, out of mediation, I follow it through and this time I experience frustration. This is like the bitter taste after following the temptation to try that brand-new-great-looking-but-yucky-tasting granola bar.
After experiencing the frustration, I realize the mistake and pledge never to commit it again. I promise myself to remember the discrete difference between experiencing a force from the divinity within and forcibly seeking permission from divinity. For, the divinity residing within me is indeed like that well-wishing mother.
To me it feels the same voice talking to me in different tones; like the mother telling or yielding to her daughter. However, the impulses I wish to tune into a given moment could be higher or lower; like the daughter enjoying healthy food or getting distracted by tempting-looking-junk food. Each time I am tuned into a higher impulse, He supports me by forcing me in that direction. On the other hand, when I tune into a lower impulse, He reluctantly gives a green signal. Now, I know that He does so, for He knows what is good/bad for me and He is my truest well-wisher.
***
Therefore, I pray that my awareness and sensitivity about knowing the difference in the tones, namely, go-for-it-I-am-with-you or Ok-if-you-insist-go-ahead; between the two extreme tones of the inner-voice enhances. This is assuming that I cannot distinguish between a lower and a higher impulse, for I am naive and weak; quiet capable of making wrong choices.
Also, I pray that in complete trust and surrender, I choose to yield to His choices (for me) instead of making Him yield (to my choice).
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Learning to Live in the Moment
Learning to Live in the Moment
On that bright-sunny Saturday morning in mid February, 2008; my family (in US) was having a video conference with my family back in India. When my father inquired about my 9 year old daughter’s food and environmental (from cashews, pistachios, and dust mites) allergies, we told him that the things were improving. My daughter herself told everyone merrily about all the good foods she had started eating again. That conversation ended happily.
Since the weather was extremely good after a long spell of storm-rain-and-chilly days, I decided to help my daughter with her math homework at the park. So, she rode her bike (with backpack on her back), and I walked along with her. Together we reached the corner square wooden table in our lush green campus.
As she opened her book to “Finding Averages”, I found her rubbing the eyes. I got up, fixed her hair band to keep her hair out of the eyes and signaled her to start.
When she started reading the definition and the example, I noticed that her eyes had started watering. To take some invisible irritants out of her hands, I helped her wash her hands with the water.
Then I started explaining her how to solve the sample problem. But instead of solving the problem I saw her scratching herself. Minutes later, she got up from her seat, came and sat on my lap; hugging me tightly with her head buried inside my shoulder. I heard her saying (almost crying) that she was feeling extremely itchy. I immediately poured out 1 teaspoon of Benadryl from her emergency kit (which she was carrying, just by chance) to calm down her body.
We returned back to her homework. But I noticed that her reaction was continuously increasing. In that moment, it struck me that she had accidentally touched one her big allergens cashews or pistachios; perhaps from the table. I realized that her body needed another dose of Benadryl. Since I knew that would put her to sleep while standing, I decided to rush back home immediately before.
As soon as we stepped inside home, I administered the second dose of Benadryl. I hurriedly washed her hands with soap, changed her clothes, and tucked her inside the bed. Standing there, looking at her sleeping; I thanked God and breathed deeply realizing that she was out-of-danger.
I found myself in a state of shock, experiencing for the first time how things changed by 180 degrees in less than an hour. In that fearful moment, I registered that “Life is Unpredictable”.
***
I trudged down the steps with an increased sense of fear. My body wanted to crash, but I knew I could not sit down unless I had washed each and every thing she had touched; to prevent the recurrence of such a reaction.
I started washing the bike handle, the helmet, and the door knob with a wet cloth. Next, I emptied her backpack and put it on top of the pile of her clothes to be washed. While tearing away the pages from her notebook, I felt my heart tearing apart with a question as to why on earth do these reactions happen only to my daughter.
While opening the water tap with a tissue paper and washing her pencils in running water, I contemplated if I had committed the mistake by taking her to the park.
While wiping the thick pages of her Math book with a fresh damp cloth, I heard my alarmed mind. It was warning me that since such a reaction can take place anytime and anywhere, while coming down the slide or doing the monkey bars in the park. Therefore, for her safety I should simply keep her inside home.
When I was finally washing my hands with soap, I heard the garage open. I heard my husband and son walking in cheerfully. In my low-fearful voice, I told them all that had happened while they were gone. Since, I was feeling very low, I asked them to attend the send-off party for our neighbor as per our plan. We decided that I will go there once they were back; so that our daughter could continue to sleep.
***
Once they left, instead of going in for a shower to get ready; I found my drained body dragging me towards the bed.
I lied down next to my sleeping daughter with silent-continuous tears streaming out of my eyes. I started seeking God’s guidance for the security and clarity of my thoughts. I felt my palms placed (facing down) on my belly rising high and low with each passing breath.
In that quiet-and-still moment, when I could hear the birds chirping outside through the sound-proof windows; I recollected one of my beliefs. I always believed that everything happens for good, even if I am not able to see the good in it in that moment. When that surfaced, I saw my thoughts taking a U-turn.
Searching desperately, for a positive lesson in this mess; I made a conscious effort to tune into my heart and out of my logical mind. I heard a soft voice tell me that it is only “a” moment that I have in hand, nothing else; because life really is unpredictable. “A” moment in which, I can either choose to complain-brood-feel-insecure or enjoy-with-a-bigger-trust-and-security.
Then, I remembered seeing handicapped kids in the park who cannot walk, see, or use their minds as per their age. I zoomed into the pain and the helplessness on their parents faces. In that moment, I realized there are so many other kids and mothers who are dealing with much bigger problems each day. Compared to that, my daughter’s allergic reaction is nothing. I heard myself say, “I am luckier than so many parents.” I felt my hands wiping my last-set-of-tears.
Then, a soft voice from within asked me what could have been better circumstances than this to shatter the illusion that my daughter is out of her allergies? In addition, what could have been better this that, I was with her and did all I could do to prevent it from escalating? I heard myself say, “Yes, Nothing could have been better.” I felt reassured that taking her to the park was not a mistake. What happened had to happen.
With more such positive thoughts rising up, I heard myself saying that I will not stop my daughter from going to the playground or the park in a bigger trust. Though, I will make a conscious effort to make sure that she carries her emergency kit everywhere.
Feeling recharged with those secure thoughts, I rose out of the bed smilingly.
In that wonderful moment, I brought out a brand new heavy salwar-kameez suit and my favorite-yet-always-kept-away-for-a-very-special-occasion jewelry set to wear at the party. Even though, I was aware that the occasion did not call for “such” dressing up. But, I chose that outfit simply because I might never get a chance to wear it; for KAL HO NA HO (meaning I may not live the next day).
***
Ever since that day, I am finding inspiration everywhere.
During one such inspirational moment, I got inspired by a 4 year old girl (in my son's class) coloring a flower with her head placed on top of the left arm, thereby resting it completely on the table. What caught my attention was the contentment on her face and the ease in her body while coloring. I saw that she was 100% focused, while coloring; both physically and mentally.
It made me realize how-I-am-never-present in most of the things I do. When I am on the phone talking to a friend, I am either checking emails or cooking dinner. When I am driving alone, I am constantly thinking about what I have to do next or what someone had told me. In other words, I am always, either in the next moment or in the past moment, but never 100% in the present moment.
This realization made me wish to be like her, to be fully present; even if it is only for a few seconds each day.
I remembered when I was growing up in favorable circumstances with no responsibilities; I was like that little girl. However, with time, as responsibilities increased and circumstances turned out to be challenging, I started taking pride in multi-tasking; even while doing my favorite activities.
***
Something happened, the other day while walking. I was looking towards the far away beautiful sunset and I stumbled on a piece of sharp rock lying in my path. In that moment it struck me that I got hurt because I was walking with my attention on far away distant point, without paying attention to my immediate step; which seemed really foolish to me. I felt as if God was holding my ear and showing me that this is what happens when you are not paying attention to your immediate step. It felt as if He was warning me not to get distracted by the beautiful/worrisome future, and suggesting me to pay attention to the present moment.
During that blessed walk, I also remembered how, I often find my kids playing “walking backwards” game. They love playing that game and stop playing it, only after they get hurt. In that divine moment, it struck me that walking backwards is like clinging to the past moment. As if, God was telling me, that too leads to accidents.
During that very special evening walk, everything seemed conspicuous. That walking backwards is like clinging to the past and walking with focus on the far away sight is like focusing on the future. Just as I am bound to have an accident because I am paying attention to anything other than the immediate step. Similarly, I am bound to suffer, if I am paying attention to every moment other than the only-available present moment called “now”.
***
Now, that I have realized, the significance of the present moment. I feel it is more than just a wish; in fact to be joyful, it is a NEED to be fully present in the moment.
As a conscious effort trying to fulfill that need, I have now started running through the sprinklers with my kids and sometimes even alone during my morning walk. I have started calling up dear people, as often as possible. I have started hugging people. I have started singing and almost dancing to the music playing in my car, without caring about the opinion of people driving cars around me. I have started pausing, to listen to the chirping of the birds. I have started walking closer to the flowers to appreciate their beauty. And, I have started diverting out of the walking trail, just to have a closer look at the toothless-innocent-pure-giggles of the infants in the park.
Presently, I am enjoying; learning to live in the moment.
On that bright-sunny Saturday morning in mid February, 2008; my family (in US) was having a video conference with my family back in India. When my father inquired about my 9 year old daughter’s food and environmental (from cashews, pistachios, and dust mites) allergies, we told him that the things were improving. My daughter herself told everyone merrily about all the good foods she had started eating again. That conversation ended happily.
Since the weather was extremely good after a long spell of storm-rain-and-chilly days, I decided to help my daughter with her math homework at the park. So, she rode her bike (with backpack on her back), and I walked along with her. Together we reached the corner square wooden table in our lush green campus.
As she opened her book to “Finding Averages”, I found her rubbing the eyes. I got up, fixed her hair band to keep her hair out of the eyes and signaled her to start.
When she started reading the definition and the example, I noticed that her eyes had started watering. To take some invisible irritants out of her hands, I helped her wash her hands with the water.
Then I started explaining her how to solve the sample problem. But instead of solving the problem I saw her scratching herself. Minutes later, she got up from her seat, came and sat on my lap; hugging me tightly with her head buried inside my shoulder. I heard her saying (almost crying) that she was feeling extremely itchy. I immediately poured out 1 teaspoon of Benadryl from her emergency kit (which she was carrying, just by chance) to calm down her body.
We returned back to her homework. But I noticed that her reaction was continuously increasing. In that moment, it struck me that she had accidentally touched one her big allergens cashews or pistachios; perhaps from the table. I realized that her body needed another dose of Benadryl. Since I knew that would put her to sleep while standing, I decided to rush back home immediately before.
As soon as we stepped inside home, I administered the second dose of Benadryl. I hurriedly washed her hands with soap, changed her clothes, and tucked her inside the bed. Standing there, looking at her sleeping; I thanked God and breathed deeply realizing that she was out-of-danger.
I found myself in a state of shock, experiencing for the first time how things changed by 180 degrees in less than an hour. In that fearful moment, I registered that “Life is Unpredictable”.
***
I trudged down the steps with an increased sense of fear. My body wanted to crash, but I knew I could not sit down unless I had washed each and every thing she had touched; to prevent the recurrence of such a reaction.
I started washing the bike handle, the helmet, and the door knob with a wet cloth. Next, I emptied her backpack and put it on top of the pile of her clothes to be washed. While tearing away the pages from her notebook, I felt my heart tearing apart with a question as to why on earth do these reactions happen only to my daughter.
While opening the water tap with a tissue paper and washing her pencils in running water, I contemplated if I had committed the mistake by taking her to the park.
While wiping the thick pages of her Math book with a fresh damp cloth, I heard my alarmed mind. It was warning me that since such a reaction can take place anytime and anywhere, while coming down the slide or doing the monkey bars in the park. Therefore, for her safety I should simply keep her inside home.
When I was finally washing my hands with soap, I heard the garage open. I heard my husband and son walking in cheerfully. In my low-fearful voice, I told them all that had happened while they were gone. Since, I was feeling very low, I asked them to attend the send-off party for our neighbor as per our plan. We decided that I will go there once they were back; so that our daughter could continue to sleep.
***
Once they left, instead of going in for a shower to get ready; I found my drained body dragging me towards the bed.
I lied down next to my sleeping daughter with silent-continuous tears streaming out of my eyes. I started seeking God’s guidance for the security and clarity of my thoughts. I felt my palms placed (facing down) on my belly rising high and low with each passing breath.
In that quiet-and-still moment, when I could hear the birds chirping outside through the sound-proof windows; I recollected one of my beliefs. I always believed that everything happens for good, even if I am not able to see the good in it in that moment. When that surfaced, I saw my thoughts taking a U-turn.
Searching desperately, for a positive lesson in this mess; I made a conscious effort to tune into my heart and out of my logical mind. I heard a soft voice tell me that it is only “a” moment that I have in hand, nothing else; because life really is unpredictable. “A” moment in which, I can either choose to complain-brood-feel-insecure or enjoy-with-a-bigger-trust-and-security.
Then, I remembered seeing handicapped kids in the park who cannot walk, see, or use their minds as per their age. I zoomed into the pain and the helplessness on their parents faces. In that moment, I realized there are so many other kids and mothers who are dealing with much bigger problems each day. Compared to that, my daughter’s allergic reaction is nothing. I heard myself say, “I am luckier than so many parents.” I felt my hands wiping my last-set-of-tears.
Then, a soft voice from within asked me what could have been better circumstances than this to shatter the illusion that my daughter is out of her allergies? In addition, what could have been better this that, I was with her and did all I could do to prevent it from escalating? I heard myself say, “Yes, Nothing could have been better.” I felt reassured that taking her to the park was not a mistake. What happened had to happen.
With more such positive thoughts rising up, I heard myself saying that I will not stop my daughter from going to the playground or the park in a bigger trust. Though, I will make a conscious effort to make sure that she carries her emergency kit everywhere.
Feeling recharged with those secure thoughts, I rose out of the bed smilingly.
In that wonderful moment, I brought out a brand new heavy salwar-kameez suit and my favorite-yet-always-kept-away-for-a-very-special-occasion jewelry set to wear at the party. Even though, I was aware that the occasion did not call for “such” dressing up. But, I chose that outfit simply because I might never get a chance to wear it; for KAL HO NA HO (meaning I may not live the next day).
***
Ever since that day, I am finding inspiration everywhere.
During one such inspirational moment, I got inspired by a 4 year old girl (in my son's class) coloring a flower with her head placed on top of the left arm, thereby resting it completely on the table. What caught my attention was the contentment on her face and the ease in her body while coloring. I saw that she was 100% focused, while coloring; both physically and mentally.
It made me realize how-I-am-never-present in most of the things I do. When I am on the phone talking to a friend, I am either checking emails or cooking dinner. When I am driving alone, I am constantly thinking about what I have to do next or what someone had told me. In other words, I am always, either in the next moment or in the past moment, but never 100% in the present moment.
This realization made me wish to be like her, to be fully present; even if it is only for a few seconds each day.
I remembered when I was growing up in favorable circumstances with no responsibilities; I was like that little girl. However, with time, as responsibilities increased and circumstances turned out to be challenging, I started taking pride in multi-tasking; even while doing my favorite activities.
***
Something happened, the other day while walking. I was looking towards the far away beautiful sunset and I stumbled on a piece of sharp rock lying in my path. In that moment it struck me that I got hurt because I was walking with my attention on far away distant point, without paying attention to my immediate step; which seemed really foolish to me. I felt as if God was holding my ear and showing me that this is what happens when you are not paying attention to your immediate step. It felt as if He was warning me not to get distracted by the beautiful/worrisome future, and suggesting me to pay attention to the present moment.
During that blessed walk, I also remembered how, I often find my kids playing “walking backwards” game. They love playing that game and stop playing it, only after they get hurt. In that divine moment, it struck me that walking backwards is like clinging to the past moment. As if, God was telling me, that too leads to accidents.
During that very special evening walk, everything seemed conspicuous. That walking backwards is like clinging to the past and walking with focus on the far away sight is like focusing on the future. Just as I am bound to have an accident because I am paying attention to anything other than the immediate step. Similarly, I am bound to suffer, if I am paying attention to every moment other than the only-available present moment called “now”.
***
Now, that I have realized, the significance of the present moment. I feel it is more than just a wish; in fact to be joyful, it is a NEED to be fully present in the moment.
As a conscious effort trying to fulfill that need, I have now started running through the sprinklers with my kids and sometimes even alone during my morning walk. I have started calling up dear people, as often as possible. I have started hugging people. I have started singing and almost dancing to the music playing in my car, without caring about the opinion of people driving cars around me. I have started pausing, to listen to the chirping of the birds. I have started walking closer to the flowers to appreciate their beauty. And, I have started diverting out of the walking trail, just to have a closer look at the toothless-innocent-pure-giggles of the infants in the park.
Presently, I am enjoying; learning to live in the moment.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
What does the word DETACH mean?
What does the word DETACH, I often hear during meditation mean?
I used to think detachment is only from the people in my life, like my immediate family and friends. I had realized that I and my family are actually a part of His family. As if, we are all standing in a circle holding hands, with God at the centre of the circle. And my family/friends are standing next to me (on either side) in that circle. Detachment from them means doing my duties, taking care of them, giving them love but staying focussed on the divinity within.
Then there is this detachment from the outcome of my efforts, be it towards writing, Physics education for the community or the family. It is hard to follow through, but makes sense.
But this morning, I saw He is asking me to detach myself from the ego. I saw that it is the ego which makes me angry, get hurt, anxious and greedy.
However, the truth is I am not EGO. I am truly a spirit; which is a state of peace, joy and giving love.
The ego is like a shadow of the tree standing under the Sunlight. During the day, the length of the shadow varies as the Sun changes its position with respect to the tree. However, when the Sun is directly overhead on top of the tree; the length of the shadow of the tree is least.
Similarly, on the days/moments when I am not so aligned with divinity within; my ego gets active. During those moments, I speak from my mind and therefore act from the plane of EGO. As a result I feel hurt, angry, and anxious; in addition, I spread it around me. Whereas, during meditation, when I am aligned with the divinity within; my ego is least active. I listen, speak and act from the heart and therefore act from the plane of the spirit. I experience a state of peace, joy, singing and feel-like-giving-hugs; in addition I emanate love and give hugs and smiles to all people (including strangers, flowers and cats) around me.
Now, that I know I am not ego; I wish to recognize it starts showing up and tune out of it to the pure spirit living inside my body.
I used to think detachment is only from the people in my life, like my immediate family and friends. I had realized that I and my family are actually a part of His family. As if, we are all standing in a circle holding hands, with God at the centre of the circle. And my family/friends are standing next to me (on either side) in that circle. Detachment from them means doing my duties, taking care of them, giving them love but staying focussed on the divinity within.
Then there is this detachment from the outcome of my efforts, be it towards writing, Physics education for the community or the family. It is hard to follow through, but makes sense.
But this morning, I saw He is asking me to detach myself from the ego. I saw that it is the ego which makes me angry, get hurt, anxious and greedy.
However, the truth is I am not EGO. I am truly a spirit; which is a state of peace, joy and giving love.
The ego is like a shadow of the tree standing under the Sunlight. During the day, the length of the shadow varies as the Sun changes its position with respect to the tree. However, when the Sun is directly overhead on top of the tree; the length of the shadow of the tree is least.
Similarly, on the days/moments when I am not so aligned with divinity within; my ego gets active. During those moments, I speak from my mind and therefore act from the plane of EGO. As a result I feel hurt, angry, and anxious; in addition, I spread it around me. Whereas, during meditation, when I am aligned with the divinity within; my ego is least active. I listen, speak and act from the heart and therefore act from the plane of the spirit. I experience a state of peace, joy, singing and feel-like-giving-hugs; in addition I emanate love and give hugs and smiles to all people (including strangers, flowers and cats) around me.
Now, that I know I am not ego; I wish to recognize it starts showing up and tune out of it to the pure spirit living inside my body.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Trusting my Father’s Protection
My father never allowed me or my siblings to go for an overnight school trip. He was an extremely strict father. Therefore, there was no way that either one of us could reason it out with him.
All my friends, classmates, and teachers would go for the school trips year after year. They would come back and narrate their fun and adventure stories; which would make me, feel even more frustrated.
When I would complain about it to my mother; she would affectionately touch my head and say that my father felt that “the world is not safe” for us. She would try to explain it to me patiently that since he had lost his parents at a very young age. Perhaps because of that he had witnessed/experienced the not-so-obvious-unsafe-side of the world too early in his life. And by imposing no-overnight-trip policy, he was simply trying to “protect” his own children from those not-so-safe-realities.
But at that young age, her explanations did not convince me.
I used to refute, as to how come the world was safe for all my friends and not for me. Slowly, I started building resentment against his closed mind regarding overnight-trips policy.
***
I still remember that I was in grade 5 and was the group leader of the songs for an out of state all India singing competition. When I informed my music teacher about my father’s strict policy, he did not pay any attention to it. The practice sessions went on without any back up.
Two days before the trip, the music teacher requested the Head of the school to talk to my father about it. The Head followed it through and explained my father how important it was for me to represent my school in that competition. She promised that either she herself or one of the accompanying teachers would be with me all the time. I saw my father yielding, though unhappily. But, he communicated very clearly that it was the first and the last time he was allowing me to go for an overnight trip.
After coming back from that trip after a few months, the preparations for the next competition started once again. My music teacher once again ignored my warnings. He trusted the Head’s convincing skills.
When it was time, the Head once again called up my father two days before departure. But this time my father did not yield.
That Sunday morning when all the other students were there with their backpacks and sleeping bags, I reached there empty handed with my father. I heard my father talk firmly to the Head, “As per our last year’s conversation, I am not sending my daughter.” The school bus left with everyone other than me.
After that my school did not involve me in the practice session for any of the out-of-state-competitions.
***
Years passed by and I reached the last year of my high school. When it came to applying for engineering colleges, my father declared that he would not let me go out of Delhi to study.
I complained once again, because at that time there were only three engineering colleges in Delhi. And, each one of them was extremely hard to get in different ways. I felt frustrated since his decision was restricting the choices for my career.
To console me, my mother once again, lovingly explained that in his heart my father was wishing good for me. She suggested that each time I start feeling bitter about his decisions; I should focus on his good intentions and simply trust his ways of protection.
Out of all the explanations she gave, only focusing on the trust part made sense. It clearly helped in pushing away my anger and frustration.
***
However, my mother’s too-many-words explanation made sense only after 6 years; when I started pursuing research work (for Ph.D.) at IIT Delhi.
The research scholars from my research group had organized an out of state trip to see the highest TV tower in Kasauli. When I talked to my father about it, for the very first time I heard a YES from him. I was thrilled and shocked, that he was letting me go for an out of state two night trip, that too without any Professors.
But during that short trip, something happened which revealed a truth, in one my longest-and-scariest nights.
Due to certain unpredictable circumstances, I landed up alone (without any of my group co-researchers) in a half-asleep compartment surrounded by complete strangers.
On that unpredictable night, I sensed (for the very first time in my life), a strange-and-disgusting look in the eyes of the men around me (including all the railway employees); which made me feel extremely insecure. I felt so insecure that I felt like crying. I sat up all night, did not close my eyes at all. I just waited for the train to reach Delhi. During each second of those never-ending five hours, I found myself longing for that always-detested-imposed-protection by my father.
That night, I understood the meaning of the-often-heard-phrase “the world is not safe” (at my home).
After that whenever I traveled out of the state/country to present research papers; I always traveled, everywhere with that new “big lesson”.
***
It took me decades to truly assimilate the meaning of the word PROTECTION. However, the following analogy helps me understand it better.
I remember that the word electron was first “introduced” to me in elementary school. Over the years, it became more familiar by “observing” its scanning effects on the screen of a regular TV/PC. During college years, I understood electron’s properties to a much deeper level while “doing” hands-on experiments. However, the enormity of waiting-to-be-explored-untapped applications of that invisible-to-the-eye-yet-omnipresent particle struck me only while "exploring" its properties during research.
Along the same lines, I was “introduced” to the abstract word called protection from the supreme power in the early elementary school days. After a few decades, I started appreciating my father’s actions and words, which “exemplified” what protection felt like through his physical presence and affectionate ways. Years passed by, I moved to US with my husband and became a mother of two kids. Without my awareness, I started protecting my own children and in the process started “enacting” protection. However, during some extremely-trying circumstances, when I cried out for protection in complete trust; I “experienced” the protection from the invisible-to-the-eyes-yet-sensed divinity residing within me.
To me this new awareness about always-accessible-but-never-tapped protection from the divinity within appears to be like that omnipresent-enormously-potent-waiting-to-be-explored properties of electrons. Now, I have realized that just as an exploring mind was needed for pursuing research on electrons; a TRUSTING heart is all that is needed for seeking PROTECTION from the divinity within.
***
I thank God for blessing me with such a father, who elucidated the word “protection”; as an introduction to the always-available-but-never-asked-for protection from the divinity residing within me.
A protection which I now feel, was-is-and-will-always-be needed be it from my own fearful thoughts or from the people around me.
On this Father’s day, for all the protection that my father imposed, I wish to scream “Thank you Papa.” from the bottom of my heart.
All my friends, classmates, and teachers would go for the school trips year after year. They would come back and narrate their fun and adventure stories; which would make me, feel even more frustrated.
When I would complain about it to my mother; she would affectionately touch my head and say that my father felt that “the world is not safe” for us. She would try to explain it to me patiently that since he had lost his parents at a very young age. Perhaps because of that he had witnessed/experienced the not-so-obvious-unsafe-side of the world too early in his life. And by imposing no-overnight-trip policy, he was simply trying to “protect” his own children from those not-so-safe-realities.
But at that young age, her explanations did not convince me.
I used to refute, as to how come the world was safe for all my friends and not for me. Slowly, I started building resentment against his closed mind regarding overnight-trips policy.
***
I still remember that I was in grade 5 and was the group leader of the songs for an out of state all India singing competition. When I informed my music teacher about my father’s strict policy, he did not pay any attention to it. The practice sessions went on without any back up.
Two days before the trip, the music teacher requested the Head of the school to talk to my father about it. The Head followed it through and explained my father how important it was for me to represent my school in that competition. She promised that either she herself or one of the accompanying teachers would be with me all the time. I saw my father yielding, though unhappily. But, he communicated very clearly that it was the first and the last time he was allowing me to go for an overnight trip.
After coming back from that trip after a few months, the preparations for the next competition started once again. My music teacher once again ignored my warnings. He trusted the Head’s convincing skills.
When it was time, the Head once again called up my father two days before departure. But this time my father did not yield.
That Sunday morning when all the other students were there with their backpacks and sleeping bags, I reached there empty handed with my father. I heard my father talk firmly to the Head, “As per our last year’s conversation, I am not sending my daughter.” The school bus left with everyone other than me.
After that my school did not involve me in the practice session for any of the out-of-state-competitions.
***
Years passed by and I reached the last year of my high school. When it came to applying for engineering colleges, my father declared that he would not let me go out of Delhi to study.
I complained once again, because at that time there were only three engineering colleges in Delhi. And, each one of them was extremely hard to get in different ways. I felt frustrated since his decision was restricting the choices for my career.
To console me, my mother once again, lovingly explained that in his heart my father was wishing good for me. She suggested that each time I start feeling bitter about his decisions; I should focus on his good intentions and simply trust his ways of protection.
Out of all the explanations she gave, only focusing on the trust part made sense. It clearly helped in pushing away my anger and frustration.
***
However, my mother’s too-many-words explanation made sense only after 6 years; when I started pursuing research work (for Ph.D.) at IIT Delhi.
The research scholars from my research group had organized an out of state trip to see the highest TV tower in Kasauli. When I talked to my father about it, for the very first time I heard a YES from him. I was thrilled and shocked, that he was letting me go for an out of state two night trip, that too without any Professors.
But during that short trip, something happened which revealed a truth, in one my longest-and-scariest nights.
Due to certain unpredictable circumstances, I landed up alone (without any of my group co-researchers) in a half-asleep compartment surrounded by complete strangers.
On that unpredictable night, I sensed (for the very first time in my life), a strange-and-disgusting look in the eyes of the men around me (including all the railway employees); which made me feel extremely insecure. I felt so insecure that I felt like crying. I sat up all night, did not close my eyes at all. I just waited for the train to reach Delhi. During each second of those never-ending five hours, I found myself longing for that always-detested-imposed-protection by my father.
That night, I understood the meaning of the-often-heard-phrase “the world is not safe” (at my home).
After that whenever I traveled out of the state/country to present research papers; I always traveled, everywhere with that new “big lesson”.
***
It took me decades to truly assimilate the meaning of the word PROTECTION. However, the following analogy helps me understand it better.
I remember that the word electron was first “introduced” to me in elementary school. Over the years, it became more familiar by “observing” its scanning effects on the screen of a regular TV/PC. During college years, I understood electron’s properties to a much deeper level while “doing” hands-on experiments. However, the enormity of waiting-to-be-explored-untapped applications of that invisible-to-the-eye-yet-omnipresent particle struck me only while "exploring" its properties during research.
Along the same lines, I was “introduced” to the abstract word called protection from the supreme power in the early elementary school days. After a few decades, I started appreciating my father’s actions and words, which “exemplified” what protection felt like through his physical presence and affectionate ways. Years passed by, I moved to US with my husband and became a mother of two kids. Without my awareness, I started protecting my own children and in the process started “enacting” protection. However, during some extremely-trying circumstances, when I cried out for protection in complete trust; I “experienced” the protection from the invisible-to-the-eyes-yet-sensed divinity residing within me.
To me this new awareness about always-accessible-but-never-tapped protection from the divinity within appears to be like that omnipresent-enormously-potent-waiting-to-be-explored properties of electrons. Now, I have realized that just as an exploring mind was needed for pursuing research on electrons; a TRUSTING heart is all that is needed for seeking PROTECTION from the divinity within.
***
I thank God for blessing me with such a father, who elucidated the word “protection”; as an introduction to the always-available-but-never-asked-for protection from the divinity residing within me.
A protection which I now feel, was-is-and-will-always-be needed be it from my own fearful thoughts or from the people around me.
On this Father’s day, for all the protection that my father imposed, I wish to scream “Thank you Papa.” from the bottom of my heart.
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