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Friday, December 7, 2007

Trusting the Protection

Introduction

My father never allowed me or my siblings to go for an overnight school trip. He was a strict father. Therefore, there was no way any one of us could argue or reason it out with him.

Complaining about the Protection

All my friends, classmates, and teachers would go for the trip year after year, come back and narrate their fun and adventure stories. After listening to those stories, I would feel even more frustrated.

When I would complain about it to my mother, she would say that my father felt that “the world is not safe” for us. She would explain me that since he lost his own parents at a very young age. Perhaps, due to that he “witnessed and experienced” the not-so-obvious-unsafe-side of the world too early in his life. By imposing that restriction, he was simply trying to “protect” his own children from that.

But at that young age, her ambiguous answer did not convince me. I used to refute, as to how come the world was safe for all my friends and not for me. I started building resentment against him and his closed-mind-about-overnight-trips-policy.

I remember that I was in grade 5 and was the group leader of the songs for an out of state all India singing competition. I told my music teacher about my father’s strict policy. But he did not pay any attention to it. The practices went on without any back up. Two days before the trip, the music teacher requested the principal of the school to talk to my father about it. The principal followed it through and explained my father how important it was for me to represent my school in that competition. She promised that either she herself or one of the accompanying teachers would be with me all the time. My father yielded. However, he communicated very clearly that it was the first and the last time he was allowing his daughter to go for an overnight trip. Next year they should have a back up singer and be prepared to hear a NO from him.

After few months, the preparations for the same competition started once again. My music teacher once again ignored my warnings. He trusted the principal and her convincing skills. The principal once again called up my father two days before the leaving, but this time my father did not yield. That Sunday morning when all other students were there with their backpacks and sleeping bags, I reached there empty handed with my father. I heard my father talk firmly to the principal, “As per our last year’s conversation, I am not sending my daughter.” The school bus left with everyone other than me.

After that my school did not involve me in the practice session for any of the out-of-state-competitions. I represented school only for local competitions.

Trusting the Goodwill

Years passed by and finally I reached the final year of my high school. When it came to applying for engineering colleges, my father declared that he would not let me go out of Delhi to study. I complained once again, because there were only three engineering colleges in Delhi. Plus, it was a well known fact that each one of those colleges was extremely hard to get in different ways. I felt frustrated since his decision was restricting the choices for my career.

To console me, my mother explained that in his heart my father always wished good for me. She told me that I should know it and believe ONLY that. She suggested that during those bitter moments I should only trust his good will, without arguing and thinking about his decision logically.

Focusing on the trust part made sense. It did help in melting away my anger and frustration.

Longing for the Protection

However, things changed only after I started my Ph.D. work at IIT Delhi. My group research scholars arranged an out of state trip to see the highest TV tower. When I talked to my father about it, I heard a YES for the very first time. I was thrilled and shocked, that he was letting me go for an out of state two night trip, that too without any Professors.

But during that short trip, something happened which changed my perspective. Due to certain unpredictable circumstances, I landed up alone (without any of my group people) in a half-asleep compartment, surrounded by complete strangers. That was one long night for me. On that uneasy night, I sensed for the very first time, in the eyes of the men around me, a look which made me feel very uncomfortable. I felt so insecure during those few hours that I did not close my eyes at all. I realized that in each second, of every minute, of those few hours, all I was longing for was that much-detested protection. For the first time, I understood the meaning of often heard, “the world is not safe” phrase in my family.

That was one big lesson for me. After that I traveled out of the state and out of the country, sometimes without any company, to present my research papers. But I always traveled with that “lesson”.

Assimilating the Protection

After becoming a mother (of 9 and 4 year old children) and having discovered this new connection within, I can now see all these old memories in a fresh perspective.

I now realize that for all those two and half decades (when I was living with my father) it was only “the trust” in my father which overwrote my resentment against his “strict policy”. Now, I sense that the decades old “trust” was like an introduction to the “new trust” which I have recently discovered with the divinity within. This “new trust” urges (just like my father did) me to do what IT (the divinity) says without getting into arguments or thinking logically as to “where” it is leading me.

I found the following analogy very helpful in assimilating this concept of “protection”.

I remember that the concept of electrons was first introduced to me in elementary school. At that stage it was simply a new word in my otherwise limited vocabulary. I got more familiar to that new word simply by “hearing and reading” about it after that introduction. After a few years when I reached the high school my Physics teacher demonstrated and explained how electrons scan the screen of a regular TV or a PC. At that stage I understood much more about electrons, its properties and applications by “seeing” its effects. Many years later, when I was at the university, I myself verified those so far only-read-in-textbook properties (of electrons) by “doing” hands-on experiments. It was definitely something that gave me an in depth understanding of the already well-studied properties of electrons. A few years later, while pursuing my research work, I started "exploring" the possible potentials of that invisible-to-naked-eye particle. It was then that I truly realized the enormous-and-to-be-explored electronic applications.

Similarly, I was introduced to this concept of “protection” from the supreme power at a very young age. But at that stage it sounded very abstract to me, without any feel of it. After a few decades, I started appreciating my father’s actions and words, which were exemplifying that concept. His physical presence and ways helped me feel what “protection” felt like. Years passed by and I became a parent. It was then that I truly appreciated how hard it is for a parent to protect their children through different stages. Recently, I experienced (a similar) “protection” from the divinity within.

To me this new awareness about always-accessible-but-never-tapped “protection” from the source within appears to be like that omnipresent-and-enormously-potent electron. I have realized that just as an exploring mind is needed for pursuing research on electrons; a TRUSTING heart is all that is needed for seeking PROTECTION from the divinity within.

Appreciating the Protection

My father “provided” the best possible education and “arranged” for a SAFE environment for me and my siblings. He gave (and is continuing to give) what he missed out most as a child, PROTECTION.

On the upcoming auspicious occasion of my father’s birthday (Dec. 10th, 2007), I take pride in offering him my heart-felt-gratitude. I thank him for protecting me all “those” and “these” years. I acknowledge him for inspiring me to pass that gift of then-detested-now-treasured protection to my own children.

I thank the divinity within for blessing me with such a father, who demonstrated (and continues to illustrate) the divinity's supreme-yet-abstract-protection to me. A protection which I now feel was-is-and-will-always-be needed; be it from my own fearful thoughts or from the people around me.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

How do I overcome my fearful thoughts?

I am sharing the answers to some of the questions I meditated upon. To me, these are difficult questions and I could only find answers during deep meditation. I believe they are true but difficult-to-follow-solutions.

How do I overcome fearful thoughts popping up in my mind?

I went out for a walk to blow away my fearful thoughts under the open sky and in the cool breeze. Each time they came up, I told myself I need to focus on "now" in this moment in my hand, instead of worrying about what if that happens and then that would happen and then I would do so and so….. Focusing on the available choices in that moment helped me in enjoying the nature, the sound of walking over the dry leaf, the smiling people and the waving-smiling child in his stroller. But as soon as I entered home, the negatives thoughts started pounding back.

Then without taking off my jacket, I did what always works for me, meditation. Within a few minutes, I could relax my body as I saw a tornado hit building (on the L.H.S) torn down next to the still standing multi-level building called me. On other side (R.H.S) the adjacent building had already been brought down in front of my eyes by the earthquake. While on the land in front of me, a huge bulldozer was making an enormous sound while crushing some other dilapidated buildings. The noise and the vibration created by the bulldozer were so high that I (the only standing building) was vibrating too. Then I realized that just because the environment around me was chaotic and out of control, it does not mean that I need to start worrying. I am earthquake-tornado-and-bulldozer-vibration-proof, why do I need to worry. There need not be any fears in my mind. I should be relaxing and enjoying the life going on inside my building.

Then I knew it implied that if I have this strong connection within, then I need not fear, worry or get stressed. All will be fine. Nothing can harm me. So, all I need to do is sing “Don’t worry be happy".