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Sunday, August 5, 2007

Listening to the Infinite Source

ABSTRACT
I have experienced a conspicuous conflict between the two sources (finite and infinite) existing within me. The finite source is the logical mind which connects me to my inherent qualities of fear, anxiety, insecurity, confusion, worry, ego, greed and transient happiness. The infinite source is the divinity within which connects me to my inherent qualities of courage, fearlessness, clarity, standing up for truths, openness and perennial happiness. However, during a recent roller-coaster—ride-like experience, as a blessing I discovered the “conditions” under which one can tune to the divinity within. In this writing, I am making a sincere effort to honestly share the inspirational phenomenon existing in nature, a similar phenomenon realized within, the first-hand-experience and the recipe for listening to the voice from the infinite source.

INTRODUCTION
Recently, I attended a talk about nanotechnology. It started with a discussion about wave-particle duality existing in nature. That was the root idea behind this writing. Therefore, in the first part, I am trying to briefly elucidate this inspirational concept of “wave-particle duality” in simple words along with relevant vocabulary.

In the second part, I am making a sincere effort to share my personal experiences, honestly which introduced me to similar dualities existing within me. It is this powerful experience and the profound realization(s) which form the core strength of this writing.

In the third and the concluding part, I am sharing the lessons learnt and the recipe for listening to the voice of the divinity within.

However, if you are not interested in reading through the physics behind the inspirational concept, feel free to skip the first part. It is simply there to communicate the continuity in the flow of my thoughts and to draw analogy with nature. The heart of this writing consisting of personal experience, the lessons learnt and the realizations are all in parts II and III. So, I would request you to read through the last two parts with complete attention, and if possible without any distractions or breaks.
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PART-I

INSPIRATION FROM NATURE

Relevant vocabulary

Wave-It is a disturbance that propagates through space and time. It is conventionally represented as a continuous sine curve, with periodic high and low points.

Wavelength-It is the distance between any successive identical parts of wave, be it two high points or two low points.

Diffraction of waves-It is one of the basic characteristics of all waves. The bending of waves when passing around an obstacle or through a narrow slit is called diffraction. A common example of diffraction is bending of sound waves around the walls or buildings.

Wave-like characteristic-It is a de-localized phenomenon, something that is spread out in space and exhibits wave properties like diffraction.

Particle-It is discrete and exists at a particular location. Its energy is centralized into a finite space.

Particle-like characteristic- It is a localized phenomenon and can be touched or seen discreetly like a point.

Wave-particle duality
According to wave-particle duality, all matter has an inherent wave and particle nature. All matter includes everything from us human beings through baseball to an electron.

Further it says that the wavelength associated with moving matter is inversely proportional to its mass. This implies that smaller the mass of the moving matter larger would be its wavelength and vice versa.

However, in our everyday life experiences, we see ourselves moving around only as a particle confined within our bodies. We move around and act like particles. Therefore, we can see our inherent particle nature.

We are aware that we do not exhibit wave properties, like diffraction. But this duality implies that whether we can observe it or not, we have an inherent wave-like- characteristic associated with us. In our case we cannot observe the wave-like-characteristics because of our huge size, which is a cluster of millions and millions of atoms. The huge size leads to a large mass. This large value of mass leads to a very small insignificant value of corresponding wavelength associated with our bodies. This wavelength associated is so small that their wave effects cannot be measured even under a strong microscope leave aside observing it with our naked eyes.

However, electrons on the other hand are very, very small. They are so small that in size they are of the order of the size of an atom. Due to its small size, the electrons have a small mass and therefore a corresponding significant wavelength. The wavelength is big enough that its wave effects like diffraction can be measured under certain microscopes in a laboratory. In addition they absorb light like particles. Therefore, the electrons have been experimentally verified to exhibit both wave and particle characteristics under different set of conditions.

Conditions for observing wave-like characteristics of matter
In addition to the prior condition of small size, there is another condition to observe their wave-like-characteristics. The second condition is that the electrons should interact with obstacles (e.g., atoms) which are smaller in size than its own wavelength.

In other words, the conditions for observing pronounced wave-like characteristics of matter are that (a) its size should be very small and (b) the size of the obstacle (it is interacting with) should be smaller than its wavelength.
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PART-II

DUALITY WITHIN

I have experienced a similar duality within me. It consists of two sources (and their corresponding voices), one which is finite and the other which is infinite. These are actually not voices in the sense of sound but are more of a series of inaudible signals. However, I feel comfortable referring to these signals as voices for their clear and effective communication.

Finite Source
I feel that all these years (until recently), I had been tuning most of the time to this voice from the finite source or the logical mind.

I remember discreetly a “phase”, which started 3 years ago, when my 5 year old daughter had started getting “severe allergic reactions” from an exposure to some nuts and dust-mites present in the environment. Further, we confirmed from elimination diet and blood tests that the eczema she had had ever since age 1.5 was nothing but a “delayed allergic reaction”. The reaction showed up as a rash 3 to 5 after she had eaten some of the foods.

Following my finite voice, I started thinking and acting in a direction to save my daughter from this “trap” of allergies 24 x 7. I would discuss her “problems” with parents having similar issues. I started using filtered water for drinking as well as cooking and replaced non-stick cooking utensils with stainless steel.

I took her through a series of allergy specialist(s), nutritionist(s), homeopath(s) (both in India and US), chiropractor, Chinese herbal specialist and a naturopath for a “possible” cure. During those 3 years, I religiously followed their advice. I introduced new foods to her diet and studied her body very scientifically. I would observe her body each morning to collect an extensive “data” and plot them on a pictorial graph to discuss each symptom in depth. The process was simply tedious and depressing. But, I was in this “warrior” phase to get my daughter cured. Some of these treatments helped a little, which made us happy because we could re-introduce some foods back in her diet. However, the happiness was definitely a negligible fraction (1/1000) of the amount of money, stress, and effort that went into the process. It was a vicious cycle with each trial. At the beginning of each process, I would feel very hopeful but as the treatment proceeded, the results appeared more like a “damped oscillation” curve and my happiness followed the curve to its minima. By the end of each treatment, I landed up becoming more worried, fearful and anxious about her food, growth and severe allergic reactions (than at the beginning). It affected my own health in addition to imposing a physical, financial and emotional stress on the complete family. I was in a constant state of “restlessness”.

Recently, I realized that during this “warrior phase” I was only listening to my finite voice. As a result, I had entrapped my self in severe anxiety. Perhaps, the steps I took were the most logical thing to do at that time, but definitely they were not the “right” things to do. I know for sure now.

Infinite Source
The other voice, within me is from the infinite source. I can also call it as the voice of the divinity within. I realize now, that all these years of my life, it was constantly there, but I did not pay much attention to it. I remember encountering it only during some “phases” of my life when its signals, voice and the corresponding force were profound.

When I look back, there have been several incidents like cooking a meal for a sick friend, speaking from my heart, apologizing in public for being impolite to a classmate or speaking up for a friend where listening to the voice of the infinite was the obvious choice, without any confusion. It gave me an instant gift of contentment and relief.

In the last few months, during my “timeout” in bed, I started paying attention to the infinite voice’s subtle signals and after so many years “allowed” myself to follow them (subtle signals) without any fears. However, I would like to share a very recent incident where following this voice was not so easy.

Recently, I experienced a strong urge to speak (a specific) truth from within. The urge was to go and tell my ex-boss about the “lie” I had said (to him) 6 years ago. I would like to briefly introduce the history behind this story before actually sharing the complete roller-coaster-ride-like story.

Ten years ago, I had moved to the bay area (US) after completing my Ph.D. in India (1997). Once here, I worked for a small company for about 4 years. During that duration, my daughter was born. When she was 2.5 years old, I realized that I really needed to change my place of work. However, I was not comfortable resigning from that position without having found my next anchor. Further, I was not clear where to go or what to do. To find answers to these questions, I knew I needed the day-time. During that “unclear” phase, my daughter came down with fever and I took some time off. I conveyed the message to my boss that I would not be able to show up because my daughter was sick and, I continued to use that as an excuse for the next 5 months (without any feeling of guilt). I met people from different professions and decided to explore teaching physics at the university. Once, I got the appointment letter in hand, I finally resigned without disclosing the truth behind that “little lie”.

After nearly 6 years, recently, I experienced this strong force to uncover that “little lie”. In the following writing, I am making a sincere effort to share “that conspicuous battle” between the two inner voices.

Right from the very beginning, the voice from the finite source justified the reason for my lying, the irrelevance of my trying to speak the truth (now, after 6 years) that to, to the person I do not need to ever see again in my life. In addition, it asked me the difference it would make to my ex-boss. It kept on coaxing me to dismiss the whole idea as “nonsense”.

However, the voice from the infinite source urged me with its profound force to speak out the truth 24 x 7. It kept on encouraging me like a “well-wishing parent” to call up my ex-boss and to speak the truth only “for my own sake”.

One afternoon yielding to the voice of the infinite source, I dialed my ex-boss’s cell phone number. He picked up the phone and told me he could talk to me for a minute. I told him I wanted to see him for about 5-10 minutes, maybe at the nearby coffee shop. He replied that he was going to be busy for the next 2 months and asked me to write an email about it. Somewhere, I experienced a strange sense of “fearlessness” just by making that phone call.

I wrote an email to him the same evening. The next afternoon, when I checked the email I got his reply that he will call me up whenever he is driving by the chosen venue. I felt disappointed. I felt that the “strong” urge that I had, would perhaps, die by that time. At that very moment my phone rang. It was the call I had been waiting for.

During my drive, the voice from the finite source pressed me again with its discouraging thoughts and fears. It asked me if I knew the right words to speak or what will be my ex-boss’s opinion about me?

Just then I heard the voice of the infinite source loud and clear. It reminded me of my past experiences where I had been able to convey the truth effectively without any “nice” words or “well-rehearsed” sentences. In addition it reminded me the purpose was “for my own sake” and told me to ignore thinking about others opinion as that was irrelevant. I locked the car and walked towards the coffee shop with those “secure” thoughts.

When I reached the coffee shop, we briefly talked about our common acquaintances and without wasting any minutes I poured out my truth. He accepted it gracefully, saying it was not needed to lie at that time. I was surprised to hear his remarks, but immediately my focus shifted to the childlike happiness inside me. While I was walking back towards my car, I almost danced on the street. I clearly felt much “lighter” and “cleansed”. That day, after a long time, I experienced something bigger than happiness. I had a very content sleep in the night.

The next morning, I shared the pleasant experience with my husband. While I was finishing my sentence with the still-lingering exuberance, I started feeling disappointed looking at his reactions and listening to his words. In that moment, I felt very disheartened, confused and lonely.

In that state of mind I meditated for a long time to find some answers. I wanted to know whether I did the right thing or not. In addition for the first time I prayed to the divinity within me to tell me or my husband, whoever was incorrect, to do the needful correction. I knew for sure that it is the same divinity residing inside each one of us. Therefore it can clearly communicate anything to any one of us, anytime. With this faith I kept on repeating the question and the prayer alternately, till I heard the answer(s).

I got the answer for the first part immediately. Through some examples of old memories, I heard that when weighing something, one should ONLY trust one’s own weighing machine and nobody else’s. To me it implied that, I needed to continue to keep up my firm stand about my own truths.

When I had clamed down with this clear message, I logged on to start my day (after 12:30 pm) by checking my emails. To my utter surprise, I got an email from my husband apologizing for his reactions and words in the morning. That was one clear signal to me from the divinity within that I was correct. It felt like a clear victory of my faith.

To speak the truth was definitely the right thing for me to do, even though it was not the most logical thing to do.

Conditions for listening to the voice of the infinite source
I am able to hear the voice of the infinite source clearly when ever I pray for its guidance (a) in complete trust and (b) ONLY for my needs. I can never hear the voice of the infinite source for my wants.

Presently, I am in this process of learning to distinguish between my “wants” and “needs”. However, even at this “learner’s stage” I can see that to resolve my daughter’s allergies was and is NOT A NEED.
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PART-III

CONCLUSION

Similar to the wave-particle duality, I have discovered a duality within me consisting of an infinite and finite source.

The voice of the infinite source connects me to my inherent qualities of courage, fearlessness, clarity, standing up for truths and openness to name some. These qualities help me find SIMPLE solutions for confusing problems. It makes me feel peaceful with a sense of joy. It is crystal clear now, that whenever I would connect to the true infinite source within, only then I would receive true and perennial happiness.

The voice of the finite source connects me to my inherent qualities of fear, self-doubt, anxiety, insecurity, confusion, worry and ego to name some. It leads me through vicious loops of “what ifs” and therefore to a state of mental chaos. When the source is finite, it makes sense (now) that the choices and solutions it offers were and will always be limited, fluctuating and shallow. It is foolishness to expect infinite happiness from the finite sources.

In the story about “my daughter’s allergies”, all through those 3 years I had been desperately fighting with her allergies obeying the voice from my finite source. Being in a state of desperation was clearly incorrect, but somehow I did not register it then, perhaps, because I was only looking at its “negatives”. Now, I prefer to look at its positives. To mention some of its positives, I have realized that now, even a common sight of a physically handicapped person (on his wheel chair) crossing the road fills our heart with gratitude for what we have and what we can do. This common sight now makes us feel that our health problems (back pain for me and allergies for my daughter) are very insignificant when compared with others. In addition, last year we bought a brand new townhouse to ease out her allergies. It is truly helping all of us with its “hygienic” living conditions because we no longer have to deal with (a) carpet (with its microscopic germs) and (b) the periodic repairs/replacement of the structure /appliances. Last but not the least it is her allergies which led us to her present school where the dedicated teachers lay a lot of emphasize on spiritual growth. I have now realized that we may not be able to alleviate her allergies, but we can certainly change our attitude towards it. There is a time for everything in life and right now it is time for this “phase”. We should feel happy that this “phase” is happening now, when we can deal with it better. It is possible to control the school environment in a small private school but it would have been harder to do so 10 years later, when she would be in college. We need to start making a conscious effort in correcting ourselves and others from thinking and talking negatively about this “phase”. We should only count its blessings with a faith that it is leading us somewhere, for our better.

In the story about “speaking the truth”, I think, I can now understand why my husband’s words were in resonance with those of my own voice of the finite source (when I was driving towards the coffee shop). The truth is that the voices from the finite and infinite sources in all beings connect to similar inherent qualities. The discovery of this simple truth has greatly simplified the complicated picture. My husband’s words (like mine) came from his finite source. I felt disheartened because in that moment, I listened to my finite source's reaction. It is only when I heard my infinite source (during meditation) that I felt calmer. Further, it was my husband’s voice from the infinite source which urged him to email me an apology. It is amazing that to comprehend this simple truth, I had to undergo such a roller-coaster-ride-like-experience. But now, when I look back, I think, it was much needed for its profound lesson and deeper absorption.

I find a striking similarity between the conditions for “listening to voice from the infinite source” and for “observing wave-like characteristics of matter”. The “ABSOLUTE TRUST IN THE INFINITE” amongst human beings is analogous to the basic condition of “small size of matter”. The second condition of “SEEKING THE DIVINITY WITHIN ONLY FOR NEEDS AND NOT WANTS” is similar to the proper condition on the “size of the obstacle to be smaller than the wavelength of matter”. The important point is that, both of these situations which are not so apparent under ordinary circumstances, CAN BE experienced/observed under “proper” condition(s).

Further, my belief, that I can hear the voice of the infinite source in complete trust only for my needs (and not for my wants) makes me draw another important inference. The inference is that if I keep on working to reduce my entire spectrum of wants to my very basic needs, then perhaps one day, the divinity within will guide me all the time. I think this is a neat inference, definitely worth pursuing.
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
I thank the divinity within for making me experience these pleasant and not so pleasant events. It is following this path of roses with its thorns that makes me feel good within about what I am realizing and becoming. I feel blessed to be able to (a) listen to “the subtle and profound signals” of the infinite source and (b) share these insights with all of you.

In addition, I would like to thank Dr. Kathryn Moler of Stanford University for her inspiring talk on nanotechnology and helpful phone discussion.

With Much Gratitude,

Gunjan
July, 2007

Changing Inside to Change Outside

ABSTRACT
I have realized that the desired change in my environment can be brought about only by changing something inside me. To understand this simple truth I got an inspiration from nature. Initially, I felt a resistance within me to change my thought patterns, reactions and the following actions. However, I persisted and performed experiments on learning to open my mind to listen and to change the attitude towards pain. I have already been blessed with the gifts of happiness in my family and life without painkillers. I take this opportunity to put forward an experimentally proven new law to bring about changes in everyone’s life.

INTRODUCTION
Since this writing is about the “inertia to change” within me, in the first part I would like to start with the key word inertia, which initiated the thought process. In the second part, I would like to discuss an enriching lesson learnt from nature. In the third part, I would like to share two of my personal stories about recognizing this “inertia to change” within me, the inner struggle in overcoming it and the rewards received by making that effort. In the fourth and the last part, I conclude the writing by putting forth a new law which promises to change the world around each one of us.
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PART-I

INERTIA

One day after returning from school, my 8 year old daughter was talking about the lesson on “inertia” in her science class. She was enthusiastically telling me about the “inertia of rest and motion” and their common examples. While she was speaking about it with all her animation, it was in that moment that I realized a familiar, “inertia to change” existing within me. Before, moving on with the main story, I would like to share the thoughts as they propped up on my mind.

In the English language, the term inertia means the opposition or resistance offered by an object or a body.

A common example of inertia of motion is what every car driver experiences while trying to stop the car suddenly. The body gets a forward jerk as it continues to move forward with the speed of the car, even after the car stops. If one is not wearing a seat belt, he would hit the windshield. This state in which the body continues to move forward, even after the car is stopped is called the inertia of motion.

A common example of inertia of rest is something most of us experience on a cold winter early morning. What I experience on such a day is my struggle to come out of the warm comforter. The alarm clock rings and I turn it off. I stay back inside the comforter for another 5 to 15 minutes. In those 5 to 15 minutes, my mind is aware that I need to come out else I would get late. But during the same duration my body is in a state of inertia. It is resisting the change, to get out of that state of rest and warmth. This state of the body where it resists coming out of the bed is called inertia of rest.

However, while listening to her along these lines with similar examples, what surfaced up on my mind was another inertia called inertia to change within me. Looking back over the past few years, I feel I was like a closed bud or a frog living inside a well. I was not open to changes, ideas or criticism. If anyone would try to criticize me or my work, I would get upset with that person. I refused to bring about any change in my train of thoughts, choice of words or line of action. I felt (from my limited point of view) that I was absolutely correct. I had this “I am right. I cannot do anything wrong.” attitude. It could be due to my ego (which I thought was pride and confidence), immaturity or most probably inertia to change.
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PART-II

LESSON FROM NATURE


Observation
Recently, during my morning walks I started noticing a “special” plant. Although it is a very ordinary plant, seen everywhere, I call it “special”, because it has been a great source of inspiration to me.

I noticed that every morning when I saw this “special” plant from a distance (of about 2 m), it seemed to be having these “little shiny pearls” studded on top of its long spread out leaves. But each time, as I walked closer towards it (to right in front of it), the pearls magically turned into “ordinary water drops”. Then as I started walking further away (about 2m in the opposite direction) from the plant (with eyes on the plant) the “ordinary water drops” turned back magically into “pearl”.

To re-confirm my observation, I walked back (to my starting point) and repeated the observations at least two times each morning. I noticed that each time the pearls did change to drops and then back into pearls at those three points of observation. I was really impressed with this consistent early morning magic trick of nature.

I realized that in this case of study, the plant, the water drops and the source of light were unchanged and untouched. With all these parameters kept constant, the pearls changed to ordinary drops and vice-versa with a change in my angle of observation and the distance from the plant.

Inference
Just with a change in the angle of my observation, I could see ordinary water drops turning into beautiful pearls.

That implies that, if I observe a given circumstance in my life with a different angle or attitude, it can actually change what I am seeing or experiencing.
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PART-III

MINDS-ON EXPERIMENTS

#1 - Opening my mind to listen

My small family consists of myself, my husband, my 8 year old daughter and 4 year old son. I feel our life would have been much simpler if we were all leading an independent life in separate (if possible adjacent) homes. That way we could all be together for all the fun activities done under one roof and yet not interfere with each other’s characteristic qualities. But it is not so, the fact is we are all living as a family under one roof with this constant mutual interference from each members characteristic qualities. For example, I am a strict mother with a “Limited-TV-Viewing-Quality”. My husband, who is very particular about cleanliness, has this “No-Mess-Anytime-Quality”. My 8 year old daughter, who is very direct with her words has “No-Humble-Words-Quality” and my 4 year old son who is very sensitive has” Showers-Of-Tears-Any-Time-Quality”.

I would like to talk about my inertia to change “Limited-TV-Viewing-Quality”. I am not a TV person. In my opinion, it is a sheer waste of time. I prefer to read some good books, write something or spend some good time with people instead of watching “not-so-interesting-shows” on TV. Even for an update about news, I prefer to read the newspaper. It allows me to directly read the news I am interested in. As a result, I use TV only to watch DVDs of some classic shows, movies or to listen to my CD’s (using TV’s speaker).

But in my family, the other three members are all for TV and are very discontent with my “Limited-TV-Viewing-Policy”. Given a choice they would watch TV all day, be it eating, drinking or relaxing time. I am very opposed to their idea of “TV-TV and-TV”. I think we get very few chances to eat a meal together in a day and we should make the most of that opportunity by sharing our experiences with each other instead of shoving food in our mouth with our eyes glued on the TV.

I was very strict about the TV watching time of my kids. I thought that it would strain their eyes, especially after a long day of reading, computers (sometimes) and HW. I really felt uncomfortable with the idea that when the kids come home they sit down to watch TV in place of interacting and playing with each other. I used TV as a babysitter when I was sick or I had something urgent to take care of. On the weekends, I would allow the kids to watch TV one or two times a day for a span of about 30 minutes each.

I knew that behind my strict policy, my intentions were noble for the welfare of my children. But at the same time, I had been sensing (for some time) that my children and their father did not agree with me. I felt this constant resentment from them sometimes in clear words and sometimes as grumbling. So each time this topic of “More-TV-Time” came up, there was this visible sense of discomfort in my body and a corresponding sad look on their face.

However, with this new inspiration from my morning walk, I realized that I needed to change my attitude in an attempt to find a possible solution which would make all four of us happy. I felt, I needed to be more open minded. I remembered that when I was teaching at San Jose State University, I would take a mid-term feedback from my students in an attempt to improve my communication with them. I did not believe in waiting for the traditional feedback (from the students) at the end of the semester. According to me, the traditional feedback might help a teacher change things for the next semester, but it would be too late for any possible changes for the students in the present class. My aim was to hear their discomforts (if any) about my teaching and grading styles. With these memories, I realized that at my place of work, I was very open to criticism. Perhaps, because I understood that it was necessary for my professional growth. In that moment it struck me that in the same way, I should be equally open to criticism from my family too. I needed to grow as a wife and a mother too. Wisdom and growth are perennial. I felt I really needed to change something(s). I knew I needed to encourage them (especially my children) to speak their thoughts openly and honestly instead of grumbling. Just with these thoughts of openness, I started feeling really good.

I realized, perhaps all these days, I was being too stubborn, too closed minded and too rigid. I felt, I needed to overcome this resistance from within to change (inertia to change) and be more open to their TV watching time. This introspection gave rise to a conflict between my ideals to raise my kids and their semi-verbal complaints. I had to explain myself that each one of us is different. For the first time it occurred to me that just because I do not enjoy watching TV does not mean that my kids should dislike it too. In fact, what was happening as a result of this restriction was exactly the opposite. I remembered that when I was growing up as a child, I watched TV almost everyday partly because it was Ok with my parents and partly because I liked it. It is only after growing up I realized the benefits of not watching too much TV. I should perhaps hope that at some stage my children will realize the same themselves. But until then, controlling too much may make them more and more resentful, unhappy and rebel. Perhaps, I need to find a balance between too much and too less TV watching for them. Perhaps, I should let them watch more TV on the weekends. Perhaps, even on some weekdays, when they do not get any HW. Perhaps, I can use it as an incentive for them to keep their books back in the shelf (after reading), or to hang their wet towel properly (after the shower). Perhaps, doing this will save me from nagging them continuously to do the same.

I do plan to introduce some changes in my “Limited-TV-Viewing-Policy” soon, hoping somewhere that the other three members may follow me to modify their own stiff ways.

However, I do sense that even with these good intentions of opening my mind, like any other transition might not feel very comfortable to me. As a back-up plan, I am thinking that if their TV watching continued to bother me in my room upstairs, I should just call up a friend to talk or just step out for my sanity walk.

#2 - Brain over pain
In the last few months, I experienced a wide variety of physical pain which restricted me from carrying out most of my regular activities. I realized after this new inspiration that, I do have several choices to summarize these recent ongoing painful experiences.

I could describe it as a very hard and painful time. This is the most generic and well-accepted description of such a state.

I could also call it as an enriching experience. During this pain, I felt that I was experiencing one of the universal truths. This pain connected me with a lot of people from all possible backgrounds. It really touched my heart when most of my children’s teachers or a customer service person stopped by to reveal their own personal stories about similar experiences. It made me think that how come the same set of people never shared their happy stories with me when they saw me happy. What is it that made these acquaintances and strangers open up their heart when they saw me limping or having a hard time getting into or out of the car? I realized that perhaps, just like kindness and compassion, pain is also one of the powerful UNIVERSAL BONDS which connects all human beings.

However, in this new light, I would prefer to call this painful experience as a “time-out” from the divinity within (which I refer to as He) to reflect on my actions. This “time-out” seems to be similar to the “time-out” I give very frequently to my own children. I usually give them “time-out” whenever I see them doing something inappropriate. During that duration, I tell them to calm down on a chair and to reflect on the reason which led them to this situation. Similarly, perhaps, He has no intentions to make me suffer; it is His way of telling me that I was not thinking or heading in the right direction at that point of time. This experience seems to be something like opening the “soda bottle” of blocked energy in my mind and body. Perhaps, He is trying to put my focus on things which would not have come to surface otherwise, but are the hidden truths I should understand NOW. Perhaps, He wants me to tap out some of my latent talents and energies. Perhaps, I should appreciate each moment and my gratitude for what I can do instead of complaining about what I cannot do or don’t have.

I realized that when I started thinking about “pain” with this changed attitude, the same experience looked like an opportunity instead of a problem. I noticed how my energy shifted towards something positive and the pain (even with the same intensity) did not hurt as much. I started feeling content instead of feeling sad with the same intensity of pain. Further, I noticed that I could do without pain killers the day I constantly remembered Him and my good old healthy days. That day, in place of the regular pale yellow color on my face, my friends noticed a glow. Thanks to this change of attitude. For all these rewards, I am inspired to overcome my inertia to change starting now.
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PART-IV

CONCLUSION

This openness in my mind to listen to others words and ideas is doing me a lot good for my inner growth. Now, I do not feel so comfortable about rejecting others words, ideas or criticism. If I do that, I feel I am shutting myself inside a closed room. With this open attitude (which was previously open only for dear friends with resonating thoughts) for everyone, I feel I have started looking through the pin hole of the door on hearing the knock at the door. Now, when I look back at all the years, I feel that I had been choosing to ignore the knock at the door. Now, I have started running comments from all people (like minded and not like minded) through “may be” and “may be not” filters in place of filtering them only through the latter.

I am now getting more aware of my thoughts and acknowledge my first reaction. Then I give myself a second chance to choose a reaction which will most probably be different from my first habitual reaction. I am enjoying this new adventure of discovering other possible reactions which can come out of me. It gives me a sense of openness, joy, a sense of mental liberation and ease to my body. I realized with this openness, I have become more respectful to certain people, I was previously not.

Therefore, according to me, there is a significant Law of Inertia to Change for all human beings. According to this law, every human being continues to resist any change in his thoughts (and therefore to words or work patterns) until he reflects on those thoughts and makes a conscious effort to change them.
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
I would like to thank Him for helping me in understanding these profound lessons and using me as His instrument to make this writing happen.

Special thanks to my friend Theodore Timpson, for his critical comments.

With Gratitude,

Gunjan
May, 2007

Seeking Happiness from Relationships

ABSTRACT
It is human nature to seek happiness in life. Until recently, I used to seek happiness mostly from my relationships. However, I discovered that these dear people, which are the core source of my happiness, were also a source of my unhappiness. I realized that the cause of my unhappiness was nothing but my own attitude towards these relationships. In this writing, I am trying to share some of the secrets (I realized) for seeking true happiness from relationships.

INTRODUCTION
In this writing, I would like to share my realization(s) with seeking happiness from people I love and care for. Until recently, I associated a lot of my happiness with this source.

I love my father, my mother (who is longer on this earth), brother, sister and their families. I used to think, they are all so fortunate to be together in India. Further, it was so unfortunate for me. The reason being, that I am so far away from SOME of my major source of happiness ever since I moved to the bay area with my husband 10 years ago.

I came here with my husband and started my own family. I now have two kids ages 4 and 8. Most of the friends and the social circle we have here are the people we met after coming here. During this period, some of these friendships changed as some friends moved away or we realized our ways of life did not match with theirs.

Every now and then I would miss my father and would feel miserable because I could not travel all the way to India whenever I wanted to be with him. I missed his emotional support and felt unhappy about it. I would miss my mother and her wonderful little ways which supported me whenever I needed it. I would feel depressed for I missed her unconditional love.

My children’s hugs and kisses has always been a big source of happiness. However, I would always worry about their falling sick with viruses. In addition I felt helpless and insecure about my daughter’s severe allergic reactions to smell and touch of some nuts and dust mites.

A similar feeling of unhappiness would also come up each time I had a clash of opinion with my husband.

For some time, it seemed that these people who were a great source of happiness for me were also a great source of unhappiness for me.

From my limited experiences, I observed three major causes of “relationship dependent” unhappiness from the people who bring happiness into my life. The first is, the “longing” to be with some dear people (in my case it is for my extended family). The second is, the “worry and anxiety” about the health and welfare of some dear people (in my case it is about my children). The third is, the “expectation of certain behavior” from some dear people (in my case it is about my husband).

LONGING TO BE WITH DEAR PEOPLE
The feeling of “longing” can be for parents, siblings, children, sweethearts and perhaps even for friends. I felt it most for my parents, siblings (their families) and friends. I missed the simple little events of everyday life by not being there in person with them. The memories of celebrating festivals, a new job, a new scholarship, an award or even a mundane meal together made me miss them all the more. I also thought about the times when one of us would fall sick, how the others would come together and give the moral, emotional and cheering support.

Whenever I would start feeling sad, I had to remind myself that it was just one of the phases of life, we were all together like a few twigs flowing in the stream. During this flow, some twigs drift away in some other direction from the rest. But just because they have drifted apart does not mean they are alone. The drifted off twigs will find some new twigs to float around with. In this analogue, I am like the twig which drifted off from the rest of the family but I am not alone, I am with my husband and my own family.

However, I continued to feel sad every now and then until I realized the truth that we are all a part of one God (also called as the divinity within each one of us, spirit or Him), His family. It is so strange that I had read these words in so many books for so many years, yet I did not register their profound meaning. But the meaning was crystal clear in one moment of truth.

I further realized that each member of my immediate as well as extended family and my dear friends are all a part of His family and nobody is actually “mine”. The actual source of unhappiness was this “me, my and mine”. It is the thought of “clinging to the people”, which was incorrect. The moment I realized it, it made things clearer, the sweet old memories did not make me unhappy anymore.

I realized that this beautiful treasure of memories was in fact very healing in down times, because it made me feel loved from then until now.

As a result of this realization, in my prayers now, I request Him to take care of His Rajendra Raizada (actually my father). Further, I ask Him to bless His Gunjan (that’s me) the right thinking to accept all His decisions, to find peace in Him and to trust His plans.

WORRYING ABOUT DEAR PEOPLE
The “endless worry” about the health of our children, elders or friends is another source of constant unhappiness. For me it is most about my children.

We all know that children are one of the better blessings in our life. But why is this role of a mother so overwhelming (even more than pursuing a Ph.D.)? Why is it that the mother inside a woman trespasses all thresholds of worrying? Till sometime back, I believed that the precise definition of motherhood is simply worrying about her children. Mothers worry about everything, be it the amount of food her children are eating, the amount of sleep they are getting and most important her children’s health. Every time the child coughs endlessly the mother is unable to sleep, even if she has rubbed the rub on the chest of her child, elevated the pillows, given the cough syrup and put all possible layers on the sick child. Why is it that the mother suffers this spell of sleepless nights and worrisome days on an average of about two times a month per child in the winter flu season?

For me, in addition to these regular virus attacks on my two children, there was this additional fear of severe allergic reactions (due to the smell and touch of some nuts and dust mites) of my daughter. Each time she got such a reaction, I felt helpless trying to control the possible causes. The 7 days after the reaction would leave me feeling defeated, each time I would look at her swollen face and puffy eyes.

It was only recently, that I realized that my daughter is not just my responsibility. She is His gift to me and I need to do my best in taking care of her. I was wrong in thinking that I can shield her from getting all these reactions. I can only do as much as I can. I should feel happy that she can walk, talk and think on her own. So many children of other mothers can’t even do that. It is not correct for me to be so fearful and stressed about the next possible allergic reaction, not because it is not healthy for me but for the simple reason that it is beyond my domain. The possible reason why my daughter gets a reaction is possibly due to her own karmas (past actions). My reactions have taught me a big lesson about the “correct” attitude to deal with indispensable pain and suffering in life. As a result, I can now empathize with other parents whose children have similar or much bigger problems. This pain has indeed brought me closer to a lot more parents and to Him.

I realized in my moment of truth that I was incorrect in thinking that my children are my possession and only my responsibility. This is something one of my yoga teachers had told me 2 years ago. But I did not believe her then. I had rejected those words mentally, as I knew she did not have children of her own, so how could she understand what I was going through. But now, I do after realizing it myself. My daughter is not just mine in fact she is completely His. He has simply chosen me to take care of her. He wants me to do my duties, enjoy her and learn from this secondary suffering. He wants me to appreciate all the HAPPINESS IN THIS MOMENT, NOW and learn the skills to become a better, calmer person. It is now clear to me that, He is leading me to a (much desired) state where, one day I will be equally calm towards every happiness and sorrow in my life. I understand now, that He, like a well wishing parent, wishes good for me all the time, even while inducing pain or suffering. All aware parents get their children vaccinated periodically knowing very well that even though it might be painful for some time and slight fever might follow. They do it for their children’s welfare because they understand that in the longer run it will give their dear ones immunity to fight infections. Therefore, I really feel privileged today for everything I have in this moment. I trust His plans for me.

EXPECTATIONS FROM DEAR PEOPLE
One of the biggest causes of unhappiness from my people of happiness is the “expectation” from dear people. Recently, I realized that my expectation from my husband (the dear person) is actually taking my happiness away. I realized that this “dear person” was (and is) sometimes able to keep up to my expectations and sometimes not.

The simple reason, as I understand it now is that, he is not an integral part of me; he has his own independent thoughts and actions, which are totally beyond my control. Also, from my experience with meditation, I know how much I need to struggle to keep my own ever wandering thoughts focused. So it does not make sense for me to even think about controlling others thoughts and as a result their actions and reactions!

The things became further clear by remembering the “car and its remote” toy. We all know that there are 3 obvious points in this game:
1. If the player is experienced enough (or has had enough practice), he can very well control the car using its remote.
2. If the player is inexperienced (or is like a little toddler who cannot possibly control all the buttons of the remote), he is bound to make the car run wild and even lead it to an accident.
3. Even the most experienced player cannot control the car if he does not have access to its remote.

With these three key points clear about the toy, I will make some assumptions to elucidate the idea. I will assume my thoughts (leading to actions) to be like the “car” which can be controlled with a remote. Here the “remote” is my mind which is inbuilt and therefore accessible only by me. With this analogy, I inferred the following (corresponding to the above mentioned 3 points):
1. The only thing I can hope to control is (are) my own thoughts (car) with a lot of practice.
2. If I don’t know how to control and use my own mind (remote) wisely, I would not be able to control my thoughts (car) and thereby the actions that follow.
3. I cannot control others thoughts (cars), and thereby their actions and reactions, because I do not have access to their mind (remote).

Therefore, I need to let go of this futile expectations from others to act or say in a certain way. It is beyond my domain. The only thing under my control is my own mind, which I must learn to control else I will be heading towards a big trouble.

Perhaps, there is only one 3-step solution to co-exist peacefully. First, I need to interpret my own thoughts clearly. Second, I should try to communicate those clear thoughts calmly. Third, I may request for what I would like him to do but, I SHOULD NOT EXPECT it to happen the suggested way.


WHERE DO I SEEK HAPPINESS?
I need to seek all happiness from within and learn not to get hurt by my expectations from others. It is incorrect on my part to bank my happiness on how the other person is going to react. Instead I should create and enjoy happiness from within and not get so disturbed by others reactions.

My friend’s 2 year old son taught me this lesson. He was eating strawberry yogurt. I was admiring his confidence with the spoon. As I turned around to pick something, within a moment, I heard this little angel laughing and hitting his hands on his head. Looking at him laugh so hard, I started laughing too. It sure was infectious. It took me a few minutes to figure out as to why he was rubbing his hands on his head and what was so funny. This 2 year olds moment of pure joy was in enjoying the simple act of rubbing yogurt all over his head and hair. He had actually exhibited a big example for creating happiness from within (without seeking it from people outside).

CONCLUSION
We should definitely try to enjoy and cherish the moments of happiness with our dear ones. However, if possible, we should follow the three “Let Go” rules to be happy with (or without) our dear people. These are:

1. Let go of the thought of “clinging to people and longing to be with our dear people in person”. We are all a part of His family and it is He who plans our life and companions at a given time for our good.

2. Let go of the thought of “possessing people and endless worrying about our dear people”. We are here to just do our duties like a nurse (ideal case), who takes care of the newborn babies in the nursery. The nurse serves the babies with a lot of care and affection as a part of her duty. She then lets the baby go without any sense of personal possession. Ideally, that is what all mothers need to do, but being a mother myself, I understand it is indeed one of the hardest goals to seek.

3. Let go of the thought of “expecting a desired response from our dear people”. All we can do is to train our minds to control our own thoughts and actions. We should refrain ourselves from trying to control others reactions as it is completely beyond our domain.

I understand that to “Let Go” I need to first surrender to Him. The new, wiser and true thoughts need place and acceptance, which would not be there, until I let go of some old “source of unhappiness” thought patterns of “clinging”, “possessing” and “expecting”.

In His awareness, I have realized that the universal key for seeking happiness from relationships is to SEEK LOVE ONLY FROM HIM (the one within) and spread, shower and GIVE IT TO ALL PEOPLE around me. It is indeed very complicated to do, because each time the ego shows up as a big stumbling block. Perhaps, the preliminary step is trying to overcome my own ego and control its tantrums.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
I feel privileged to be used as His instrument for this writing and sharing. I thank Him for everything that I have today, now, in each moment.

With Gratitude,

Gunjan
March, 2007