It was my husband’s nephew’s 13th birthday in Delhi. We had logged in for a video conference from our home in the U.S. It was a happy moment, because our nephew had just finished cutting the cake. But my mind drifted off to memories associated with the same nephew’s 2nd birthday celebration, 11 years earlier.
***
In mid-September 1996, I was newly married and working to complete my Ph.D. thesis at IIT Delhi. I was aiming to submit it by the end of the month and I was racing against time working on weekdays and weekends.
I knew my mother was not keeping well, because each time I called, even during the day, I was told that she was resting. I was hoping that this sickness was like her all other minor spells of sickness and pain; that she would be back to normal in a few days. With no phone at my apartment, there was no way she could have returned my phone calls. During my last brief conversation with her, my mother had clearly communicated that she did not want to come and meet me because that would “eat up my time.”
Amidst all those harsh circumstances came the same nephew’s second birthday. It was a weekend, but I’d been working all day. Somehow, I managed to reach the party (in time) all dressed up in a sari. Once I reached, I started serving and carrying out conversations like a good hostess. I found myself sitting right next to the phone, surrounded by so many people talking to each other. I felt like calling up my mother but then stopped myself; it did not seem to be the appropriate place and time. Sitting there, purely as a physical body, I was doing what “I was supposed to be doing.”
On September 17, 1996, a little after midnight, my sister’s husband came to our apartment and informed us that my mother was in the hospital.
When I reached his car, I saw my sister sitting in the back seat with her head resting against the door. She was quiet; her eyes were closed and continuous tears rolled down her cheeks.
Later, sitting next to my mother’s still body, I wished that a miracle would happen, and she would stand up once again. The miracle did not happen.
I took a week “off,” despite that high-pressure-race-against-time-deadline. During that week, I regretted not taking a few hours “off” the previous week. I wished I had gone the previous week to see my mother resting, to listen to her or just to hold her hand. I realized that nothing stopped in the world around me when I actually took time off: neither the birds chirping nor the research going on at IIT.
***
After the video conference, I broke down. Once I had calmed down, I realized that I had learnt two profound lessons.
The first lesson was to start living in each moment called “now” with a raised consciousness.
The second lesson was that whenever I “hear” two conflicting voices—a soft voice and a loud voice within me—I should choose to obey the seldom-heard-soft voice and not yield to the constantly-dictating-louder-practical-answerable-to-people voice.
The transparent tears rolling down my face acted like magnifying glasses; I could clearly see the mistake I had made 11 years ago. The blunder had been to ignore my soft voice, which had “asked” me to call my mother on that birthday party night.
The next morning, I woke up refreshed and experienced a strong urge to write about my mother.
***
My mother was simple, kind, generous, and gentle in her ways. She was a loving mother to my eldest brother, my elder sister, and me. She was always available, waiting to hear from us, and willing to share her own life experiences.
She was there with me even when others would not come near me for the fear of catching infections, whether I had a common cold or chicken pox. Whenever I was sick as a child, my mother would give me mustard oil massages and sponge baths. Now, when I look back, I feel she showered love on her children under all circumstances constantly, like the sun gives us its sunlight all seven days of the week.
My mother gave me boundless support and encouragement when my friends or relatives would tease me about my short stature (5 feet). She would remind me that Gandhi was not tall, but he was still a great person. She would explain to me, lovingly, that all that matters in life is a strong character, which has to be nurtured and cultivated with one’s sincere efforts. To this day, I remember my tears and smile on hearing those golden words. Now, I thank her for successfully pulling me back up in each of those drowning moments.
Every afternoon, my mother would be waiting for my siblings and me to return from school. Then she would serve us her lovingly-cooked-delicious-warm food. Each day, she would cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner, all three different meals with no repetition of food groups. Now that I am a mother, I can truly appreciate how much love, dedication, physical, and mental effort she must have put in each day.
There were times when my mother would leave her food while eating and stand up to cook again as per my demands. This used to happen whenever I would throw a tantrum and refuse to eat rice. She would cook only rice during peak summer time in Delhi, mostly to escape the heat (110ยบ F) inside the kitchen. But little did she know that her youngest-child would insist on her making a fresh roti in that sweaty hot kitchen, where the temperature of the body was nearly the same as the temperature of the hot pan on the stove. Now, I feel inspired and touched by her willingness to sacrifice her own comfort.
I also remember those cold wintry nights when our entire family would watch the popular TV serial “Hum Log” inside a warm room sitting under comforters. In peak winter, my mother would step out alone into the street, walking towards the far away bus stop. She would wait there for about half an hour for my sister to come back in a bus after attending her night classes at the university. Why did she do that for an adult child? She would say that though she missed the serial and the warmth of the room, “nothing felt enjoyable” when her heart was worrying about her daughter walking alone down those lonely, dark roads. My mother thought from, listened to, and followed her heart. At that time, I used to tease her for worrying too much. Now, I fully understand, appreciate, and respect her heartfelt thoughts and actions.
My mother would call me in my hostel at IIT regularly, especially when I needed it most. My mother was the only person who could make out over the phone from my silence, my unspoken words, and unshed tears that I was feeling insecure and sad. She gave me what I needed most in delicate moments: her words, comfort, touch, food, and sometimes simply her unspoken physical presence. She would ask me to come home at the earliest and put her “security blanket” around me. Now, I experience that security only while praying.
***
Love is giving. I could not understand the giving-for-the-sake-of-giving part of love for several decades. I have finally registered it now that I have turned from receiving-daughter into giving-mother myself.
Today, I dedicatedly salute my mother for what she “gave” me to “give” to my own children.
Surrender, Listen and Give Contact at Contact@FollowThyHeart.Org
About Me
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
How can I love bothersome people around me?
I am sharing the answers to some of the questions I meditated upon. To me, these are difficult questions and I could only find answers during deep meditation. I believe they are true but difficult-to-follow-solutions.
How can I love bothersome (aggressive/ interfering/ threatening) people around me?
I saw during the meditation that the people around me (adults and children) are what they are. They are as perfect as they are supposed to be.
When they “appear” to be aggressive, they are like the fire. Fire, in which if I put my finger I will definitely feel the “burn”. I should maintain my safe distance while cooking or getting warmth from it.
When some of them “seem” to be interfering, it is because I am allowing them to interfere in my life. They are like a puddle of water. If I try to stomp my feet into it, the puddle will splash water onto me and my clothes. I will be the one who will be in a “mess”. When I come across a puddle; I need to traverse it very carefully i.e., with the heel first and then slowly pushing the toes into it.
Similarly when some people “threaten” to be aggressive, it is because they are like a heavy shower. If it is raining outside and I just walk out of home, I will get “wet”, because that is what water does. When stepping out into the rain, I need to take an umbrella and wear my rain coat, else I will be drenched.
Therefore, each and every person in my life is just being “perfectly” what they are. They are following their own nature.
The biggest truth is I cannot change them and therefore should not expect them to be any different.
The only thing that needs to change is my thought pattern, before, during and after “being” with these people, His perfect blessings in my life. I would like to TRY (with His awareness) to give my love and not to get affected by their reactions. I have realized I need to apply a coating of ‘His love” so that nothing else can affect me, like a layer of paint prevents an iron bench from getting rusted.
All I need to be is to be myself and follow my heartfelt wishes. And I know that I wish to be like Him. I wish to give His love to everyone. I pray that I am able to stay focused and connected with Him as I am during my meditation; much after completing the meditation.
How can I love bothersome (aggressive/ interfering/ threatening) people around me?
I saw during the meditation that the people around me (adults and children) are what they are. They are as perfect as they are supposed to be.
When they “appear” to be aggressive, they are like the fire. Fire, in which if I put my finger I will definitely feel the “burn”. I should maintain my safe distance while cooking or getting warmth from it.
When some of them “seem” to be interfering, it is because I am allowing them to interfere in my life. They are like a puddle of water. If I try to stomp my feet into it, the puddle will splash water onto me and my clothes. I will be the one who will be in a “mess”. When I come across a puddle; I need to traverse it very carefully i.e., with the heel first and then slowly pushing the toes into it.
Similarly when some people “threaten” to be aggressive, it is because they are like a heavy shower. If it is raining outside and I just walk out of home, I will get “wet”, because that is what water does. When stepping out into the rain, I need to take an umbrella and wear my rain coat, else I will be drenched.
Therefore, each and every person in my life is just being “perfectly” what they are. They are following their own nature.
The biggest truth is I cannot change them and therefore should not expect them to be any different.
The only thing that needs to change is my thought pattern, before, during and after “being” with these people, His perfect blessings in my life. I would like to TRY (with His awareness) to give my love and not to get affected by their reactions. I have realized I need to apply a coating of ‘His love” so that nothing else can affect me, like a layer of paint prevents an iron bench from getting rusted.
All I need to be is to be myself and follow my heartfelt wishes. And I know that I wish to be like Him. I wish to give His love to everyone. I pray that I am able to stay focused and connected with Him as I am during my meditation; much after completing the meditation.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Praying for a Better New Year
The year of 2007 was special for me as I started recognizing the happiness, gratitude and the joy residing within me. I felt blessed to discover this new alignment, due to which I am NOW able to “see” what was invisible to me all these years.
I grew up and lived in Delhi for the first 27 years of my life. After getting married I moved to US in 1997.
I visited Delhi in 1999 with my 1year old daughter. It was then that the following memorable moment happened.
I was sitting with my daughter at the back seat of the car. Our car stopped at the red light. Just next to our car stopped a “3-wheeler” in which a 1-year-old baby was sitting on his mother’s lap. The baby’s torn and dirty clothes, running nose and the flies around his open wounds made me immediately turn my face away in disgust. But my daughter did not see anything disgusting. All she “saw” were the “eyes” of that unkempt baby and therefore started smiling and waving to that baby. The baby smiled back. It was obvious that the two babies had shared a joyful moment.
Looking back NOW, I feel that whenever I genuinely try to “see” and “listen” through my heart (like my 1-year-old daughter did), I am able to “see” the same “divinity (which is within me)” residing inside people around me. These people could be the not-so-respected maids working at home or the poor-dirty-unkempt children on the street side.
As a result during my recent visit to India in December 2007, I could NOW “see” my dear-old Delhi as a complete-new-source of inspiration. An inspiration I could not “see” while I was growing up in Delhi.
When our flight reached Delhi on Dec. 14th early morning, there was a thick fog over the city. Therefore, the flight was detoured to Bombay air port, where there was no fog. As a result all the passengers of my flight and other flights destined to Delhi were “stuck” at Bombay airport for 6 hours. The frustration and disappointment was visible on the face and body of all the passengers. Most of the male adults started panicking about the next possible flight to Delhi. But of all the passengers, best were the children who started running around merrily on the ground after being confined inside the plane for over 20 hours. They were audibly and visibly happy to discover a wider playground. The mothers started worrying about arranging food for their children. But the children themselves were too busy (having fun) to feel hungry. Then there was another passenger, who started playing guitar and enjoying his waiting time. I could “see” how under the same frustrating circumstances, different people “chose to react” differently.
On an extremely cold winter night, I was crossing through the park with my worrisome thoughts. Just then I “saw” this poor child wearing a thin sweater full of holes. The child was happy and busy eating. On seeing her “outfit”, my hands instantly moved to feel the thick-black shawl around my body. In that moment, I thanked God for that shawl. I realized that I have so much. I have clothes to keep myself warm, something most of the people in this world do not have. I immediately shifted the “focus” of my thoughts to “what I have” from what I do not have.
One evening we were getting late to reach the birthday party of my brother’s son. I was sitting inside the car with my sister’s son and the driver; waiting desperately for the car to move out of the traffic jam. To distract ourselves we started playing rhyming words games inside the car. Suddenly I saw beautiful balloons (formed by clouds) spread all over the sky. With great excitement I shared this discovery with my 10-year-old nephew. As we all started scanning the sky (at that beautiful dusk time) and the pink-orange colored balloons (created by the clouds), we felt our car drifting. We reached the birthday party “admiring nature”.
I had gone with my family for a formal lunch at a fine restaurant inside a reputed club. After eating I came out to “enjoy” the Sun with my children. Just then, I noticed a poor laborer basking on top of a pile of ropes in the winter Sun. He was fast asleep in a safe corner amidst the loud noise created by the people and the traffic. I could “see” that he was actually relaxing both in mind and body, something I am sometimes not able to do even inside my own cozy bedroom lying on a comfortable bed. I was inspired by his ability to block his mind and “relax” anywhere.
At the same place outside the restaurant (inside that reputed club), I was searching for a play structure for my children to play on. As I turned around I noticed that they had already started playing on a pile of bamboos. It was once again surprising for me to notice that they did not “miss” the play structure. They were enjoying their newly invented balancing games by trying to walk on that pile of bamboos without falling off. In that moment I was amazed with their creative and unblocked minds to “create happiness” anywhere.
I had gone to a party where I met a lot of family members. During the same party, after the great lunch and wonderful conversations, I decided to create some fun, something I have always missed in US. I gathered all the kids and started playing “antakshari”, a fun musical game, without seeking approval from the adults or requesting them to come inside and join us. As the game picked up, the fun multiplied and the animation increased. The musical magic attracted each and everyone from age 4 to 70. Some of them decided to be the audience but most them came out of their shells and participated. I am glad that I could “create that moment of memorable happiness”.
Today, I wish to be blessed with many more “such” thoughts, words and actions in the coming year(s). Since 2007 was definitely better than the others (gone by) in terms of “perspective”. Therefore, in the first month of this year (2008), I pray for a BETTER NEW YEAR for each and everyone.
Sincerely,
Gunjan
Jan.24, 2008
I grew up and lived in Delhi for the first 27 years of my life. After getting married I moved to US in 1997.
I visited Delhi in 1999 with my 1year old daughter. It was then that the following memorable moment happened.
I was sitting with my daughter at the back seat of the car. Our car stopped at the red light. Just next to our car stopped a “3-wheeler” in which a 1-year-old baby was sitting on his mother’s lap. The baby’s torn and dirty clothes, running nose and the flies around his open wounds made me immediately turn my face away in disgust. But my daughter did not see anything disgusting. All she “saw” were the “eyes” of that unkempt baby and therefore started smiling and waving to that baby. The baby smiled back. It was obvious that the two babies had shared a joyful moment.
Looking back NOW, I feel that whenever I genuinely try to “see” and “listen” through my heart (like my 1-year-old daughter did), I am able to “see” the same “divinity (which is within me)” residing inside people around me. These people could be the not-so-respected maids working at home or the poor-dirty-unkempt children on the street side.
As a result during my recent visit to India in December 2007, I could NOW “see” my dear-old Delhi as a complete-new-source of inspiration. An inspiration I could not “see” while I was growing up in Delhi.
When our flight reached Delhi on Dec. 14th early morning, there was a thick fog over the city. Therefore, the flight was detoured to Bombay air port, where there was no fog. As a result all the passengers of my flight and other flights destined to Delhi were “stuck” at Bombay airport for 6 hours. The frustration and disappointment was visible on the face and body of all the passengers. Most of the male adults started panicking about the next possible flight to Delhi. But of all the passengers, best were the children who started running around merrily on the ground after being confined inside the plane for over 20 hours. They were audibly and visibly happy to discover a wider playground. The mothers started worrying about arranging food for their children. But the children themselves were too busy (having fun) to feel hungry. Then there was another passenger, who started playing guitar and enjoying his waiting time. I could “see” how under the same frustrating circumstances, different people “chose to react” differently.
On an extremely cold winter night, I was crossing through the park with my worrisome thoughts. Just then I “saw” this poor child wearing a thin sweater full of holes. The child was happy and busy eating. On seeing her “outfit”, my hands instantly moved to feel the thick-black shawl around my body. In that moment, I thanked God for that shawl. I realized that I have so much. I have clothes to keep myself warm, something most of the people in this world do not have. I immediately shifted the “focus” of my thoughts to “what I have” from what I do not have.
One evening we were getting late to reach the birthday party of my brother’s son. I was sitting inside the car with my sister’s son and the driver; waiting desperately for the car to move out of the traffic jam. To distract ourselves we started playing rhyming words games inside the car. Suddenly I saw beautiful balloons (formed by clouds) spread all over the sky. With great excitement I shared this discovery with my 10-year-old nephew. As we all started scanning the sky (at that beautiful dusk time) and the pink-orange colored balloons (created by the clouds), we felt our car drifting. We reached the birthday party “admiring nature”.
I had gone with my family for a formal lunch at a fine restaurant inside a reputed club. After eating I came out to “enjoy” the Sun with my children. Just then, I noticed a poor laborer basking on top of a pile of ropes in the winter Sun. He was fast asleep in a safe corner amidst the loud noise created by the people and the traffic. I could “see” that he was actually relaxing both in mind and body, something I am sometimes not able to do even inside my own cozy bedroom lying on a comfortable bed. I was inspired by his ability to block his mind and “relax” anywhere.
At the same place outside the restaurant (inside that reputed club), I was searching for a play structure for my children to play on. As I turned around I noticed that they had already started playing on a pile of bamboos. It was once again surprising for me to notice that they did not “miss” the play structure. They were enjoying their newly invented balancing games by trying to walk on that pile of bamboos without falling off. In that moment I was amazed with their creative and unblocked minds to “create happiness” anywhere.
I had gone to a party where I met a lot of family members. During the same party, after the great lunch and wonderful conversations, I decided to create some fun, something I have always missed in US. I gathered all the kids and started playing “antakshari”, a fun musical game, without seeking approval from the adults or requesting them to come inside and join us. As the game picked up, the fun multiplied and the animation increased. The musical magic attracted each and everyone from age 4 to 70. Some of them decided to be the audience but most them came out of their shells and participated. I am glad that I could “create that moment of memorable happiness”.
Today, I wish to be blessed with many more “such” thoughts, words and actions in the coming year(s). Since 2007 was definitely better than the others (gone by) in terms of “perspective”. Therefore, in the first month of this year (2008), I pray for a BETTER NEW YEAR for each and everyone.
Sincerely,
Gunjan
Jan.24, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)