Changing Inside to Change Outside

ABSTRACT
I have realized that the desired change in my environment can be brought about only by changing something inside me. To understand this simple truth I got an inspiration from nature. Initially, I felt a resistance within me to change my thought patterns, reactions and the following actions. However, I persisted and performed experiments on learning to open my mind to listen and to change the attitude towards pain. I have already been blessed with the gifts of happiness in my family and life without painkillers. I take this opportunity to put forward an experimentally proven new law to bring about changes in everyone’s life.

INTRODUCTION
Since this writing is about the “inertia to change” within me, in the first part I would like to start with the key word inertia, which initiated the thought process. In the second part, I would like to discuss an enriching lesson learnt from nature. In the third part, I would like to share two of my personal stories about recognizing this “inertia to change” within me, the inner struggle in overcoming it and the rewards received by making that effort. In the fourth and the last part, I conclude the writing by putting forth a new law which promises to change the world around each one of us.
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PART-I

INERTIA
One day after returning from school, my 8 year old daughter was talking about the lesson on “inertia” in her science class. She was enthusiastically telling me about the “inertia of rest and motion” and their common examples. While she was speaking about it with all her animation, it was in that moment that I realized a familiar, “inertia to change” existing within me. Before, moving on with the main story, I would like to share the thoughts as they propped up on my mind.

In the English language, the term inertia means the opposition or resistance offered by an object or a body.

A common example of inertia of motion is what every car driver experiences while trying to stop the car suddenly. The body gets a forward jerk as it continues to move forward with the speed of the car, even after the car stops. If one is not wearing a seat belt, he would hit the windshield. This state in which the body continues to move forward, even after the car is stopped is called the inertia of motion.

A common example of inertia of rest is something most of us experience on a cold winter early morning. What I experience on such a day is my struggle to come out of the warm comforter. The alarm clock rings and I turn it off. I stay back inside the comforter for another 5 to 15 minutes. In those 5 to 15 minutes, my mind is aware that I need to come out else I would get late. But during the same duration my body is in a state of inertia. It is resisting the change, to get out of that state of rest and warmth. This state of the body where it resists coming out of the bed is called inertia of rest.

However, while listening to her along these lines with similar examples, what surfaced up on my mind was another inertia called inertia to change within me. Looking back over the past few years, I feel I was like a closed bud or a frog living inside a well. I was not open to changes, ideas or criticism. If anyone would try to criticize me or my work, I would get upset with that person. I refused to bring about any change in my train of thoughts, choice of words or line of action. I felt (from my limited point of view) that I was absolutely correct. I had this “I am right. I cannot do anything wrong.” attitude. It could be due to my ego (which I thought was pride and confidence), immaturity or most probably inertia to change.
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PART-II

LESSON FROM NATURE

Observation
Recently, during my morning walks I started noticing a “special” plant. Although it is a very ordinary plant, seen everywhere, I call it “special”, because it has been a great source of inspiration to me.

I noticed that every morning when I saw this “special” plant from a distance (of about 2 m), it seemed to be having these “little shiny pearls” studded on top of its long spread out leaves. But each time, as I walked closer towards it (to right in front of it), the pearls magically turned into “ordinary water drops”. Then as I started walking further away (about 2m in the opposite direction) from the plant (with eyes on the plant) the “ordinary water drops” turned back magically into “pearl”.

To re-confirm my observation, I walked back (to my starting point) and repeated the observations at least two times each morning. I noticed that each time the pearls did change to drops and then back into pearls at those three points of observation. I was really impressed with this consistent early morning magic trick of nature.

I realized that in this case of study, the plant, the water drops and the source of light were unchanged and untouched. With all these parameters kept constant, the pearls changed to ordinary drops and vice-versa with a change in my angle of observation and the distance from the plant.

Inference
Just with a change in the angle of my observation, I could see ordinary water drops turning into beautiful pearls.

That implies that, if I observe a given circumstance in my life with a different angle or attitude, it can actually change what I am seeing or experiencing.
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PART-III

MINDS-ON EXPERIMENTS

#1 - Opening my mind to listen
My small family consists of myself, my husband, my 8 year old daughter and 4 year old son. I feel our life would have been much simpler if we were all leading an independent life in separate (if possible adjacent) homes. That way we could all be together for all the fun activities done under one roof and yet not interfere with each other’s characteristic qualities. But it is not so, the fact is we are all living as a family under one roof with this constant mutual interference from each members characteristic qualities. For example, I am a strict mother with a “Limited-TV-Viewing-Quality”. My husband, who is very particular about cleanliness, has this “No-Mess-Anytime-Quality”. My 8 year old daughter, who is very direct with her words has “No-Humble-Words-Quality” and my 4 year old son who is very sensitive has” Showers-Of-Tears-Any-Time-Quality”.

I would like to talk about my inertia to change “Limited-TV-Viewing-Quality”. I am not a TV person. In my opinion, it is a sheer waste of time. I prefer to read some good books, write something or spend some good time with people instead of watching “not-so-interesting-shows” on TV. Even for an update about news, I prefer to read the newspaper. It allows me to directly read the news I am interested in. As a result, I use TV only to watch DVDs of some classic shows, movies or to listen to my CD’s (using TV’s speaker).

But in my family, the other three members are all for TV and are very discontent with my “Limited-TV-Viewing-Policy”. Given a choice they would watch TV all day, be it eating, drinking or relaxing time. I am very opposed to their idea of “TV-TV and-TV”. I think we get very few chances to eat a meal together in a day and we should make the most of that opportunity by sharing our experiences with each other instead of shoving food in our mouth with our eyes glued on the TV.

I was very strict about the TV watching time of my kids. I thought that it would strain their eyes, especially after a long day of reading, computers (sometimes) and HW. I really felt uncomfortable with the idea that when the kids come home they sit down to watch TV in place of interacting and playing with each other. I used TV as a babysitter when I was sick or I had something urgent to take care of. On the weekends, I would allow the kids to watch TV one or two times a day for a span of about 30 minutes each.

I knew that behind my strict policy, my intentions were noble for the welfare of my children. But at the same time, I had been sensing (for some time) that my children and their father did not agree with me. I felt this constant resentment from them sometimes in clear words and sometimes as grumbling. So each time this topic of “More-TV-Time” came up, there was this visible sense of discomfort in my body and a corresponding sad look on their face.

However, with this new inspiration from my morning walk, I realized that I needed to change my attitude in an attempt to find a possible solution which would make all four of us happy. I felt, I needed to be more open minded. I remembered that when I was teaching at San Jose State University, I would take a mid-term feedback from my students in an attempt to improve my communication with them. I did not believe in waiting for the traditional feedback (from the students) at the end of the semester. According to me, the traditional feedback might help a teacher change things for the next semester, but it would be too late for any possible changes for the students in the present class. My aim was to hear their discomforts (if any) about my teaching and grading styles. With these memories, I realized that at my place of work, I was very open to criticism. Perhaps, because I understood that it was necessary for my professional growth. In that moment it struck me that in the same way, I should be equally open to criticism from my family too. I needed to grow as a wife and a mother too. Wisdom and growth are perennial. I felt I really needed to change something(s). I knew I needed to encourage them (especially my children) to speak their thoughts openly and honestly instead of grumbling. Just with these thoughts of openness, I started feeling really good.

I realized, perhaps all these days, I was being too stubborn, too closed minded and too rigid. I felt, I needed to overcome this resistance from within to change (inertia to change) and be more open to their TV watching time. This introspection gave rise to a conflict between my ideals to raise my kids and their semi-verbal complaints. I had to explain myself that each one of us is different. For the first time it occurred to me that just because I do not enjoy watching TV does not mean that my kids should dislike it too. In fact, what was happening as a result of this restriction was exactly the opposite. I remembered that when I was growing up as a child, I watched TV almost everyday partly because it was Ok with my parents and partly because I liked it. It is only after growing up I realized the benefits of not watching too much TV. I should perhaps hope that at some stage my children will realize the same themselves. But until then, controlling too much may make them more and more resentful, unhappy and rebel. Perhaps, I need to find a balance between too much and too less TV watching for them. Perhaps, I should let them watch more TV on the weekends. Perhaps, even on some weekdays, when they do not get any HW. Perhaps, I can use it as an incentive for them to keep their books back in the shelf (after reading), or to hang their wet towel properly (after the shower). Perhaps, doing this will save me from nagging them continuously to do the same.

I do plan to introduce some changes in my “Limited-TV-Viewing-Policy” soon, hoping somewhere that the other three members may follow me to modify their own stiff ways.

However, I do sense that even with these good intentions of opening my mind, like any other transition might not feel very comfortable to me. As a back-up plan, I am thinking that if their TV watching continued to bother me in my room upstairs, I should just call up a friend to talk or just step out for my sanity walk.

#2 - Brain over pain
In the last few months, I experienced a wide variety of physical pain which restricted me from carrying out most of my regular activities. I realized after this new inspiration that, I do have several choices to summarize these recent ongoing painful experiences.

I could describe it as a very hard and painful time. This is the most generic and well-accepted description of such a state.

I could also call it as an enriching experience. During this pain, I felt that I was experiencing one of the universal truths. This pain connected me with a lot of people from all possible backgrounds. It really touched my heart when most of my children’s teachers or a customer service person stopped by to reveal their own personal stories about similar experiences. It made me think that how come the same set of people never shared their happy stories with me when they saw me happy. What is it that made these acquaintances and strangers open up their heart when they saw me limping or having a hard time getting into or out of the car? I realized that perhaps, just like kindness and compassion, pain is also one of the powerful UNIVERSAL BONDS which connects all human beings.

However, in this new light, I would prefer to call this painful experience as a “time-out” from the divinity within (which I refer to as He) to reflect on my actions. This “time-out” seems to be similar to the “time-out” I give very frequently to my own children. I usually give them “time-out” whenever I see them doing something inappropriate. During that duration, I tell them to calm down on a chair and to reflect on the reason which led them to this situation. Similarly, perhaps, He has no intentions to make me suffer; it is His way of telling me that I was not thinking or heading in the right direction at that point of time. This experience seems to be something like opening the “soda bottle” of blocked energy in my mind and body. Perhaps, He is trying to put my focus on things which would not have come to surface otherwise, but are the hidden truths I should understand NOW. Perhaps, He wants me to tap out some of my latent talents and energies. Perhaps, I should appreciate each moment and my gratitude for what I can do instead of complaining about what I cannot do or don’t have.

I realized that when I started thinking about “pain” with this changed attitude, the same experience looked like an opportunity instead of a problem. I noticed how my energy shifted towards something positive and the pain (even with the same intensity) did not hurt as much. I started feeling content instead of feeling sad with the same intensity of pain. Further, I noticed that I could do without pain killers the day I constantly remembered Him and my good old healthy days. That day, in place of the regular pale yellow color on my face, my friends noticed a glow. Thanks to this change of attitude. For all these rewards, I am inspired to overcome my inertia to change starting now.
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PART-IV

CONCLUSION
This openness in my mind to listen to others words and ideas is doing me a lot good for my inner growth. Now, I do not feel so comfortable about rejecting others words, ideas or criticism. If I do that, I feel I am shutting myself inside a closed room. With this open attitude (which was previously open only for dear friends with resonating thoughts) for everyone, I feel I have started looking through the pin hole of the door on hearing the knock at the door. Now, when I look back at all the years, I feel that I had been choosing to ignore the knock at the door. Now, I have started running comments from all people (like minded and not like minded) through “may be” and “may be not” filters in place of filtering them only through the latter.

I am now getting more aware of my thoughts and acknowledge my first reaction. Then I give myself a second chance to choose a reaction which will most probably be different from my first habitual reaction. I am enjoying this new adventure of discovering other possible reactions which can come out of me. It gives me a sense of openness, joy, a sense of mental liberation and ease to my body. I realized with this openness, I have become more respectful to certain people, I was previously not.

Therefore, according to me, there is a significant Law of Inertia to Change for all human beings. According to this law, every human being continues to resist any change in his thoughts (and therefore to words or work patterns) until he reflects on those thoughts and makes a conscious effort to change them.
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
I would like to thank Him for helping me in understanding these profound lessons and using me as His instrument to make this writing happen.

Special thanks to my friend Theodore Timpson, for his critical comments.

With Gratitude,

Gunjan
May, 2007