Seeking Happiness from Relationships

ABSTRACT
It is human nature to seek happiness in life. Until recently, I used to seek happiness mostly from my relationships. However, I discovered that these dear people, which are the core source of my happiness, were also a source of my unhappiness. I realized that the cause of my unhappiness was nothing but my own attitude towards these relationships. In this writing, I am trying to share some of the secrets (I realized) for seeking true happiness from relationships.

INTRODUCTION
In this writing, I would like to share my realization(s) with seeking happiness from people I love and care for. Until recently, I associated a lot of my happiness with this source.

I love my father, my mother (who is longer on this earth), brother, sister and their families. I used to think, they are all so fortunate to be together in India. Further, it was so unfortunate for me. The reason being, that I am so far away from SOME of my major source of happiness ever since I moved to the bay area with my husband 10 years ago.

I came here with my husband and started my own family. I now have two kids ages 4 and 8. Most of the friends and the social circle we have here are the people we met after coming here. During this period, some of these friendships changed as some friends moved away or we realized our ways of life did not match with theirs.

Every now and then I would miss my father and would feel miserable because I could not travel all the way to India whenever I wanted to be with him. I missed his emotional support and felt unhappy about it. I would miss my mother and her wonderful little ways which supported me whenever I needed it. I would feel depressed for I missed her unconditional love.

My children’s hugs and kisses has always been a big source of happiness. However, I would always worry about their falling sick with viruses. In addition I felt helpless and insecure about my daughter’s severe allergic reactions to smell and touch of some nuts and dust mites.

A similar feeling of unhappiness would also come up each time I had a clash of opinion with my husband.

For some time, it seemed that these people who were a great source of happiness for me were also a great source of unhappiness for me.

From my limited experiences, I observed three major causes of “relationship dependent” unhappiness from the people who bring happiness into my life. The first is, the “longing” to be with some dear people (in my case it is for my extended family). The second is, the “worry and anxiety” about the health and welfare of some dear people (in my case it is about my children). The third is, the “expectation of certain behavior” from some dear people (in my case it is about my husband).

LONGING TO BE WITH DEAR PEOPLE
The feeling of “longing” can be for parents, siblings, children, sweethearts and perhaps even for friends. I felt it most for my parents, siblings (their families) and friends. I missed the simple little events of everyday life by not being there in person with them. The memories of celebrating festivals, a new job, a new scholarship, an award or even a mundane meal together made me miss them all the more. I also thought about the times when one of us would fall sick, how the others would come together and give the moral, emotional and cheering support.

Whenever I would start feeling sad, I had to remind myself that it was just one of the phases of life, we were all together like a few twigs flowing in the stream. During this flow, some twigs drift away in some other direction from the rest. But just because they have drifted apart does not mean they are alone. The drifted off twigs will find some new twigs to float around with. In this analogue, I am like the twig which drifted off from the rest of the family but I am not alone, I am with my husband and my own family.

However, I continued to feel sad every now and then until I realized the truth that we are all a part of one God (also called as the divinity within each one of us, spirit or Him), His family. It is so strange that I had read these words in so many books for so many years, yet I did not register their profound meaning. But the meaning was crystal clear in one moment of truth.

I further realized that each member of my immediate as well as extended family and my dear friends are all a part of His family and nobody is actually “mine”. The actual source of unhappiness was this “me, my and mine”. It is the thought of “clinging to the people”, which was incorrect. The moment I realized it, it made things clearer, the sweet old memories did not make me unhappy anymore.

I realized that this beautiful treasure of memories was in fact very healing in down times, because it made me feel loved from then until now.

As a result of this realization, in my prayers now, I request Him to take care of His Rajendra Raizada (actually my father). Further, I ask Him to bless His Gunjan (that’s me) the right thinking to accept all His decisions, to find peace in Him and to trust His plans.

WORRYING ABOUT DEAR PEOPLE
The “endless worry” about the health of our children, elders or friends is another source of constant unhappiness. For me it is most about my children.

We all know that children are one of the better blessings in our life. But why is this role of a mother so overwhelming (even more than pursuing a Ph.D.)? Why is it that the mother inside a woman trespasses all thresholds of worrying? Till sometime back, I believed that the precise definition of motherhood is simply worrying about her children. Mothers worry about everything, be it the amount of food her children are eating, the amount of sleep they are getting and most important her children’s health. Every time the child coughs endlessly the mother is unable to sleep, even if she has rubbed the rub on the chest of her child, elevated the pillows, given the cough syrup and put all possible layers on the sick child. Why is it that the mother suffers this spell of sleepless nights and worrisome days on an average of about two times a month per child in the winter flu season?

For me, in addition to these regular virus attacks on my two children, there was this additional fear of severe allergic reactions (due to the smell and touch of some nuts and dust mites) of my daughter. Each time she got such a reaction, I felt helpless trying to control the possible causes. The 7 days after the reaction would leave me feeling defeated, each time I would look at her swollen face and puffy eyes.

It was only recently, that I realized that my daughter is not just my responsibility. She is His gift to me and I need to do my best in taking care of her. I was wrong in thinking that I can shield her from getting all these reactions. I can only do as much as I can. I should feel happy that she can walk, talk and think on her own. So many children of other mothers can’t even do that. It is not correct for me to be so fearful and stressed about the next possible allergic reaction, not because it is not healthy for me but for the simple reason that it is beyond my domain. The possible reason why my daughter gets a reaction is possibly due to her own karmas (past actions). My reactions have taught me a big lesson about the “correct” attitude to deal with indispensable pain and suffering in life. As a result, I can now empathize with other parents whose children have similar or much bigger problems. This pain has indeed brought me closer to a lot more parents and to Him.

I realized in my moment of truth that I was incorrect in thinking that my children are my possession and only my responsibility. This is something one of my yoga teachers had told me 2 years ago. But I did not believe her then. I had rejected those words mentally, as I knew she did not have children of her own, so how could she understand what I was going through. But now, I do after realizing it myself. My daughter is not just mine in fact she is completely His. He has simply chosen me to take care of her. He wants me to do my duties, enjoy her and learn from this secondary suffering. He wants me to appreciate all the HAPPINESS IN THIS MOMENT, NOW and learn the skills to become a better, calmer person. It is now clear to me that, He is leading me to a (much desired) state where, one day I will be equally calm towards every happiness and sorrow in my life. I understand now, that He, like a well wishing parent, wishes good for me all the time, even while inducing pain or suffering. All aware parents get their children vaccinated periodically knowing very well that even though it might be painful for some time and slight fever might follow. They do it for their children’s welfare because they understand that in the longer run it will give their dear ones immunity to fight infections. Therefore, I really feel privileged today for everything I have in this moment. I trust His plans for me.

EXPECTATIONS FROM DEAR PEOPLE
One of the biggest causes of unhappiness from my people of happiness is the “expectation” from dear people. Recently, I realized that my expectation from my husband (the dear person) is actually taking my happiness away. I realized that this “dear person” was (and is) sometimes able to keep up to my expectations and sometimes not.

The simple reason, as I understand it now is that, he is not an integral part of me; he has his own independent thoughts and actions, which are totally beyond my control. Also, from my experience with meditation, I know how much I need to struggle to keep my own ever wandering thoughts focused. So it does not make sense for me to even think about controlling others thoughts and as a result their actions and reactions!

The things became further clear by remembering the “car and its remote” toy. We all know that there are 3 obvious points in this game:
1. If the player is experienced enough (or has had enough practice), he can very well control the car using its remote.
2. If the player is inexperienced (or is like a little toddler who cannot possibly control all the buttons of the remote), he is bound to make the car run wild and even lead it to an accident.
3. Even the most experienced player cannot control the car if he does not have access to its remote.

With these three key points clear about the toy, I will make some assumptions to elucidate the idea. I will assume my thoughts (leading to actions) to be like the “car” which can be controlled with a remote. Here the “remote” is my mind which is inbuilt and therefore accessible only by me. With this analogy, I inferred the following (corresponding to the above mentioned 3 points):
1. The only thing I can hope to control is (are) my own thoughts (car) with a lot of practice.
2. If I don’t know how to control and use my own mind (remote) wisely, I would not be able to control my thoughts (car) and thereby the actions that follow.
3. I cannot control others thoughts (cars), and thereby their actions and reactions, because I do not have access to their mind (remote).

Therefore, I need to let go of this futile expectations from others to act or say in a certain way. It is beyond my domain. The only thing under my control is my own mind, which I must learn to control else I will be heading towards a big trouble.

Perhaps, there is only one 3-step solution to co-exist peacefully. First, I need to interpret my own thoughts clearly. Second, I should try to communicate those clear thoughts calmly. Third, I may request for what I would like him to do but, I SHOULD NOT EXPECT it to happen the suggested way.


WHERE DO I SEEK HAPPINESS?
I need to seek all happiness from within and learn not to get hurt by my expectations from others. It is incorrect on my part to bank my happiness on how the other person is going to react. Instead I should create and enjoy happiness from within and not get so disturbed by others reactions.

My friend’s 2 year old son taught me this lesson. He was eating strawberry yogurt. I was admiring his confidence with the spoon. As I turned around to pick something, within a moment, I heard this little angel laughing and hitting his hands on his head. Looking at him laugh so hard, I started laughing too. It sure was infectious. It took me a few minutes to figure out as to why he was rubbing his hands on his head and what was so funny. This 2 year olds moment of pure joy was in enjoying the simple act of rubbing yogurt all over his head and hair. He had actually exhibited a big example for creating happiness from within (without seeking it from people outside).

CONCLUSION
We should definitely try to enjoy and cherish the moments of happiness with our dear ones. However, if possible, we should follow the three “Let Go” rules to be happy with (or without) our dear people. These are:

1. Let go of the thought of “clinging to people and longing to be with our dear people in person”. We are all a part of His family and it is He who plans our life and companions at a given time for our good.

2. Let go of the thought of “possessing people and endless worrying about our dear people”. We are here to just do our duties like a nurse (ideal case), who takes care of the newborn babies in the nursery. The nurse serves the babies with a lot of care and affection as a part of her duty. She then lets the baby go without any sense of personal possession. Ideally, that is what all mothers need to do, but being a mother myself, I understand it is indeed one of the hardest goals to seek.

3. Let go of the thought of “expecting a desired response from our dear people”. All we can do is to train our minds to control our own thoughts and actions. We should refrain ourselves from trying to control others reactions as it is completely beyond our domain.

I understand that to “Let Go” I need to first surrender to Him. The new, wiser and true thoughts need place and acceptance, which would not be there, until I let go of some old “source of unhappiness” thought patterns of “clinging”, “possessing” and “expecting”.

In His awareness, I have realized that the universal key for seeking happiness from relationships is to SEEK LOVE ONLY FROM HIM (the one within) and spread, shower and GIVE IT TO ALL PEOPLE around me. It is indeed very complicated to do, because each time the ego shows up as a big stumbling block. Perhaps, the preliminary step is trying to overcome my own ego and control its tantrums.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
I feel privileged to be used as His instrument for this writing and sharing. I thank Him for everything that I have today, now, in each moment.

With Gratitude,

Gunjan
March, 2007