Listening to the Infinite Source

ABSTRACT
I have experienced a conspicuous conflict between the two sources (finite and infinite) existing within me. The finite source is the logical mind which connects me to my inherent qualities of fear, anxiety, insecurity, confusion, worry, ego, greed and transient happiness. The infinite source is the divinity within which connects me to my inherent qualities of courage, fearlessness, clarity, standing up for truths, openness and perennial happiness. However, during a recent roller-coaster—ride-like experience, as a blessing I discovered the “conditions” under which one can tune to the divinity within. In this writing, I am making a sincere effort to honestly share the inspirational phenomenon existing in nature, a similar phenomenon realized within, the first-hand-experience and the recipe for listening to the voice from the infinite source.

INTRODUCTION
Recently, I attended a talk about nanotechnology. It started with a discussion about wave-particle duality existing in nature. That was the root idea behind this writing. Therefore, in the first part, I am trying to briefly elucidate this inspirational concept of “wave-particle duality” in simple words along with relevant vocabulary.

In the second part, I am making a sincere effort to share my personal experiences, honestly which introduced me to similar dualities existing within me. It is this powerful experience and the profound realization(s) which form the core strength of this writing.

In the third and the concluding part, I am sharing the lessons learnt and the recipe for listening to the voice of the divinity within.

However, if you are not interested in reading through the physics behind the inspirational concept, feel free to skip the first part. It is simply there to communicate the continuity in the flow of my thoughts and to draw analogy with nature. The heart of this writing consisting of personal experience, the lessons learnt and the realizations are all in parts II and III. So, I would request you to read through the last two parts with complete attention, and if possible without any distractions or breaks.
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PART-I

INSPIRATION FROM NATURE

Relevant vocabulary
Wave-It is a disturbance that propagates through space and time. It is conventionally represented as a continuous sine curve, with periodic high and low points.

Wavelength-It is the distance between any successive identical parts of wave, be it two high points or two low points.

Diffraction of waves-It is one of the basic characteristics of all waves. The bending of waves when passing around an obstacle or through a narrow slit is called diffraction. A common example of diffraction is bending of sound waves around the walls or buildings.

Wave-like characteristic-It is a de-localized phenomenon, something that is spread out in space and exhibits wave properties like diffraction.

Particle-It is discrete and exists at a particular location. Its energy is centralized into a finite space.

Particle-like characteristic- It is a localized phenomenon and can be touched or seen discreetly like a point.

Wave-particle duality
According to wave-particle duality, all matter has an inherent wave and particle nature. All matter includes everything from us human beings through baseball to an electron.

Further it says that the wavelength associated with moving matter is inversely proportional to its mass. This implies that smaller the mass of the moving matter larger would be its wavelength and vice versa.

However, in our everyday life experiences, we see ourselves moving around only as a particle confined within our bodies. We move around and act like particles. Therefore, we can see our inherent particle nature.

We are aware that we do not exhibit wave properties, like diffraction. But this duality implies that whether we can observe it or not, we have an inherent wave-like- characteristic associated with us. In our case we cannot observe the wave-like-characteristics because of our huge size, which is a cluster of millions and millions of atoms. The huge size leads to a large mass. This large value of mass leads to a very small insignificant value of corresponding wavelength associated with our bodies. This wavelength associated is so small that their wave effects cannot be measured even under a strong microscope leave aside observing it with our naked eyes.

However, electrons on the other hand are very, very small. They are so small that in size they are of the order of the size of an atom. Due to its small size, the electrons have a small mass and therefore a corresponding significant wavelength. The wavelength is big enough that its wave effects like diffraction can be measured under certain microscopes in a laboratory. In addition they absorb light like particles. Therefore, the electrons have been experimentally verified to exhibit both wave and particle characteristics under different set of conditions.

Conditions for observing wave-like characteristics of matter
In addition to the prior condition of small size, there is another condition to observe their wave-like-characteristics. The second condition is that the electrons should interact with obstacles (e.g., atoms) which are smaller in size than its own wavelength.

In other words, the conditions for observing pronounced wave-like characteristics of matter are that (a) its size should be very small and (b) the size of the obstacle (it is interacting with) should be smaller than its wavelength.
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PART-II

DUALITY WITHIN
I have experienced a similar duality within me. It consists of two sources (and their corresponding voices), one which is finite and the other which is infinite. These are actually not voices in the sense of sound but are more of a series of inaudible signals. However, I feel comfortable referring to these signals as voices for their clear and effective communication.

Finite Source
I feel that all these years (until recently), I had been tuning most of the time to this voice from the finite source or the logical mind.

I remember discreetly a “phase”, which started 3 years ago, when my 5 year old daughter had started getting “severe allergic reactions” from an exposure to some nuts and dust-mites present in the environment. Further, we confirmed from elimination diet and blood tests that the eczema she had had ever since age 1.5 was nothing but a “delayed allergic reaction”. The reaction showed up as a rash 3 to 5 after she had eaten some of the foods.

Following my finite voice, I started thinking and acting in a direction to save my daughter from this “trap” of allergies 24 x 7. I would discuss her “problems” with parents having similar issues. I started using filtered water for drinking as well as cooking and replaced non-stick cooking utensils with stainless steel.

I took her through a series of allergy specialist(s), nutritionist(s), homeopath(s) (both in India and US), chiropractor, Chinese herbal specialist and a naturopath for a “possible” cure. During those 3 years, I religiously followed their advice. I introduced new foods to her diet and studied her body very scientifically. I would observe her body each morning to collect an extensive “data” and plot them on a pictorial graph to discuss each symptom in depth. The process was simply tedious and depressing. But, I was in this “warrior” phase to get my daughter cured. Some of these treatments helped a little, which made us happy because we could re-introduce some foods back in her diet. However, the happiness was definitely a negligible fraction (1/1000) of the amount of money, stress, and effort that went into the process. It was a vicious cycle with each trial. At the beginning of each process, I would feel very hopeful but as the treatment proceeded, the results appeared more like a “damped oscillation” curve and my happiness followed the curve to its minima. By the end of each treatment, I landed up becoming more worried, fearful and anxious about her food, growth and severe allergic reactions (than at the beginning). It affected my own health in addition to imposing a physical, financial and emotional stress on the complete family. I was in a constant state of “restlessness”.

Recently, I realized that during this “warrior phase” I was only listening to my finite voice. As a result, I had entrapped my self in severe anxiety. Perhaps, the steps I took were the most logical thing to do at that time, but definitely they were not the “right” things to do. I know for sure now.

Infinite Source
The other voice, within me is from the infinite source. I can also call it as the voice of the divinity within. I realize now, that all these years of my life, it was constantly there, but I did not pay much attention to it. I remember encountering it only during some “phases” of my life when its signals, voice and the corresponding force were profound.

When I look back, there have been several incidents like cooking a meal for a sick friend, speaking from my heart, apologizing in public for being impolite to a classmate or speaking up for a friend where listening to the voice of the infinite was the obvious choice, without any confusion. It gave me an instant gift of contentment and relief.

In the last few months, during my “timeout” in bed, I started paying attention to the infinite voice’s subtle signals and after so many years “allowed” myself to follow them (subtle signals) without any fears. However, I would like to share a very recent incident where following this voice was not so easy.

Recently, I experienced a strong urge to speak (a specific) truth from within. The urge was to go and tell my ex-boss about the “lie” I had said (to him) 6 years ago. I would like to briefly introduce the history behind this story before actually sharing the complete roller-coaster-ride-like story.

Ten years ago, I had moved to the bay area (US) after completing my Ph.D. in India (1997). Once here, I worked for a small company for about 4 years. During that duration, my daughter was born. When she was 2.5 years old, I realized that I really needed to change my place of work. However, I was not comfortable resigning from that position without having found my next anchor. Further, I was not clear where to go or what to do. To find answers to these questions, I knew I needed the day-time. During that “unclear” phase, my daughter came down with fever and I took some time off. I conveyed the message to my boss that I would not be able to show up because my daughter was sick and, I continued to use that as an excuse for the next 5 months (without any feeling of guilt). I met people from different professions and decided to explore teaching physics at the university. Once, I got the appointment letter in hand, I finally resigned without disclosing the truth behind that “little lie”.

After nearly 6 years, recently, I experienced this strong force to uncover that “little lie”. In the following writing, I am making a sincere effort to share “that conspicuous battle” between the two inner voices.

Right from the very beginning, the voice from the finite source justified the reason for my lying, the irrelevance of my trying to speak the truth (now, after 6 years) that to, to the person I do not need to ever see again in my life. In addition, it asked me the difference it would make to my ex-boss. It kept on coaxing me to dismiss the whole idea as “nonsense”.

However, the voice from the infinite source urged me with its profound force to speak out the truth 24 x 7. It kept on encouraging me like a “well-wishing parent” to call up my ex-boss and to speak the truth only “for my own sake”.

One afternoon yielding to the voice of the infinite source, I dialed my ex-boss’s cell phone number. He picked up the phone and told me he could talk to me for a minute. I told him I wanted to see him for about 5-10 minutes, maybe at the nearby coffee shop. He replied that he was going to be busy for the next 2 months and asked me to write an email about it. Somewhere, I experienced a strange sense of “fearlessness” just by making that phone call.

I wrote an email to him the same evening. The next afternoon, when I checked the email I got his reply that he will call me up whenever he is driving by the chosen venue. I felt disappointed. I felt that the “strong” urge that I had, would perhaps, die by that time. At that very moment my phone rang. It was the call I had been waiting for.

During my drive, the voice from the finite source pressed me again with its discouraging thoughts and fears. It asked me if I knew the right words to speak or what will be my ex-boss’s opinion about me?

Just then I heard the voice of the infinite source loud and clear. It reminded me of my past experiences where I had been able to convey the truth effectively without any “nice” words or “well-rehearsed” sentences. In addition it reminded me the purpose was “for my own sake” and told me to ignore thinking about others opinion as that was irrelevant. I locked the car and walked towards the coffee shop with those “secure” thoughts.

When I reached the coffee shop, we briefly talked about our common acquaintances and without wasting any minutes I poured out my truth. He accepted it gracefully, saying it was not needed to lie at that time. I was surprised to hear his remarks, but immediately my focus shifted to the childlike happiness inside me. While I was walking back towards my car, I almost danced on the street. I clearly felt much “lighter” and “cleansed”. That day, after a long time, I experienced something bigger than happiness. I had a very content sleep in the night.

The next morning, I shared the pleasant experience with my husband. While I was finishing my sentence with the still-lingering exuberance, I started feeling disappointed looking at his reactions and listening to his words. In that moment, I felt very disheartened, confused and lonely.

In that state of mind I meditated for a long time to find some answers. I wanted to know whether I did the right thing or not. In addition for the first time I prayed to the divinity within me to tell me or my husband, whoever was incorrect, to do the needful correction. I knew for sure that it is the same divinity residing inside each one of us. Therefore it can clearly communicate anything to any one of us, anytime. With this faith I kept on repeating the question and the prayer alternately, till I heard the answer(s).

I got the answer for the first part immediately. Through some examples of old memories, I heard that when weighing something, one should ONLY trust one’s own weighing machine and nobody else’s. To me it implied that, I needed to continue to keep up my firm stand about my own truths.

When I had clamed down with this clear message, I logged on to start my day (after 12:30 pm) by checking my emails. To my utter surprise, I got an email from my husband apologizing for his reactions and words in the morning. That was one clear signal to me from the divinity within that I was correct. It felt like a clear victory of my faith.

To speak the truth was definitely the right thing for me to do, even though it was not the most logical thing to do.

Conditions for listening to the voice of the infinite source
I am able to hear the voice of the infinite source clearly when ever I pray for its guidance (a) in complete trust and (b) ONLY for my needs. I can never hear the voice of the infinite source for my wants.

Presently, I am in this process of learning to distinguish between my “wants” and “needs”. However, even at this “learner’s stage” I can see that to resolve my daughter’s allergies was and is NOT A NEED.
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PART-III

CONCLUSION
Similar to the wave-particle duality, I have discovered a duality within me consisting of an infinite and finite source.

The voice of the infinite source connects me to my inherent qualities of courage, fearlessness, clarity, standing up for truths and openness to name some. These qualities help me find SIMPLE solutions for confusing problems. It makes me feel peaceful with a sense of joy. It is crystal clear now, that whenever I would connect to the true infinite source within, only then I would receive true and perennial happiness.

The voice of the finite source connects me to my inherent qualities of fear, self-doubt, anxiety, insecurity, confusion, worry and ego to name some. It leads me through vicious loops of “what ifs” and therefore to a state of mental chaos. When the source is finite, it makes sense (now) that the choices and solutions it offers were and will always be limited, fluctuating and shallow. It is foolishness to expect infinite happiness from the finite sources.

In the story about “my daughter’s allergies”, all through those 3 years I had been desperately fighting with her allergies obeying the voice from my finite source. Being in a state of desperation was clearly incorrect, but somehow I did not register it then, perhaps, because I was only looking at its “negatives”. Now, I prefer to look at its positives. To mention some of its positives, I have realized that now, even a common sight of a physically handicapped person (on his wheel chair) crossing the road fills our heart with gratitude for what we have and what we can do. This common sight now makes us feel that our health problems (back pain for me and allergies for my daughter) are very insignificant when compared with others. In addition, last year we bought a brand new townhouse to ease out her allergies. It is truly helping all of us with its “hygienic” living conditions because we no longer have to deal with (a) carpet (with its microscopic germs) and (b) the periodic repairs/replacement of the structure /appliances. Last but not the least it is her allergies which led us to her present school where the dedicated teachers lay a lot of emphasize on spiritual growth. I have now realized that we may not be able to alleviate her allergies, but we can certainly change our attitude towards it. There is a time for everything in life and right now it is time for this “phase”. We should feel happy that this “phase” is happening now, when we can deal with it better. It is possible to control the school environment in a small private school but it would have been harder to do so 10 years later, when she would be in college. We need to start making a conscious effort in correcting ourselves and others from thinking and talking negatively about this “phase”. We should only count its blessings with a faith that it is leading us somewhere, for our better.

In the story about “speaking the truth”, I think, I can now understand why my husband’s words were in resonance with those of my own voice of the finite source (when I was driving towards the coffee shop). The truth is that the voices from the finite and infinite sources in all beings connect to similar inherent qualities. The discovery of this simple truth has greatly simplified the complicated picture. My husband’s words (like mine) came from his finite source. I felt disheartened because in that moment, I listened to my finite source's reaction. It is only when I heard my infinite source (during meditation) that I felt calmer. Further, it was my husband’s voice from the infinite source which urged him to email me an apology. It is amazing that to comprehend this simple truth, I had to undergo such a roller-coaster-ride-like-experience. But now, when I look back, I think, it was much needed for its profound lesson and deeper absorption.

I find a striking similarity between the conditions for “listening to voice from the infinite source” and for “observing wave-like characteristics of matter”. The “ABSOLUTE TRUST IN THE INFINITE” amongst human beings is analogous to the basic condition of “small size of matter”. The second condition of “SEEKING THE DIVINITY WITHIN ONLY FOR NEEDS AND NOT WANTS” is similar to the proper condition on the “size of the obstacle to be smaller than the wavelength of matter”. The important point is that, both of these situations which are not so apparent under ordinary circumstances, CAN BE experienced/observed under “proper” condition(s).

Further, my belief, that I can hear the voice of the infinite source in complete trust only for my needs (and not for my wants) makes me draw another important inference. The inference is that if I keep on working to reduce my entire spectrum of wants to my very basic needs, then perhaps one day, the divinity within will guide me all the time. I think this is a neat inference, definitely worth pursuing.
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
I thank the divinity within for making me experience these pleasant and not so pleasant events. It is following this path of roses with its thorns that makes me feel good within about what I am realizing and becoming. I feel blessed to be able to (a) listen to “the subtle and profound signals” of the infinite source and (b) share these insights with all of you.

In addition, I would like to thank Dr. Kathryn Moler of Stanford University for her inspiring talk on nanotechnology and helpful phone discussion.

With Much Gratitude,

Gunjan
July, 2007