Experiencing the Magic of Love

In October 2007, I did some exploring Physics activities with my 9 year old daughter’s class (here in US). Surprisingly, it took me decades back, down the memory lane when, I (at age 9), got my first memorable exposure to Physics in Delhi, India.
***
The flashback started off with my eyes glued to a display depicting generation of electricity from water; a moment which got me hooked to Physics forever. This memorable moment happened at the science fair in my first school.

My first school in some un-describe-able ways resonated with my “value” frequency of “self-discipline”. All through those 10 years; I was absolutely “myself” around nature, loving-caring friends, and warm-affectionate teachers.

But, I had to move on to a bigger school to complete my high school (grade 11-12).
***
However, that big school which was large both in its size and the number of students, felt very claustrophobic to me. Right from day one, I felt uneasy amidst its not-so-green campus, strict-discipline code, cold teachers, jealous classmates, and dirty looks from some boys.

While all this was happening, Subin joined my class. The class teacher asked me to help him out with math. During that phase, he spoke out his heartfelt feelings towards me. Since, I was clear that I wanted to stay focused on my studies without getting “distracted”. Therefore, in a shocked state, I said, “NO” and walked away.

As days passed by, I started building up anger against him; I felt that he took “undue advantage” of my helping him as a friend.

Soon after every morning, some heart shapes and insane words started appearing (in chalk) on the inside of my wooden desk. That was like the straw to break the camel’s back; I started breaking down in tears each time on seeing that dirty art work.

When the notes did not stop, I reported it to my class teacher and pointed that perhaps, he was the potential writer.

After that “reporting” day, even if we would cross each other’s way, he would not even greet me. We stopped talking to each other. I could see it from his long and pale face that he had got a strong dose. But my logical mind reasoned it out, saying that I had no choice. I reported against him to stop that every-morning-nonsense-on-my-desk.

Unfortunately, the “reporting” did not solve my problem. The notes continued to appear. It was only then, I registered that, he was not the culprit. I realized that I had mistakenly complained against him; but I just did not apologize.

Once we all moved to grade 12, the silence between us increased. Each time, I would turn around to bring out my notebooks from the bag hanging behind my chair; I would find him looking at me from his last desk. That would make me feel so uncomfortable that I would immediately look away.

His “gaze” had started disturbing me. The silence and the “strange way” in which he looked at me from the far end of those long corridors would stir me up.

My heart had recognized that his feelings were true.

There were moments when I found myself smiling about it during my sleep. But when I would wake up my mind would start knocking at me; reminding me to stay focused on studies. I did not acknowledge my heartfelt feelings; not-even-to-myself.

Then I overheard from classmates that he had started drinking-at-late-night-parties. I could see that his health was deteriorating. I heard my logical mind speak out loud and clear that, “He is a weak person.” During the day, I would pretend as if nothing was bothering me.

But somewhere, without my own awareness, I was slowly getting eaten up by the poisonous environment in the school and his “gaze”. I would be really mad at him and complain to myself, "Neither does he study himself, nor does he let me study."

My mind was perturbed. I would try to sleep, but no sleep would enter my closed, burning eyes. I felt tired, clamped, lost, anxious, frustrated, and unhappy. I was simply not myself.

Once the exams got over, I felt as if I had been released from a 2 year long imprisonment.

But even then without my asking, I continued to hear updates (from classmates) about his getting-off-the-track stories.

One day, in a quiet-relaxing moment; I heard a soft voice within me, urging me to talk to him. This time, I followed my heart and called him up. All I remember now, of that monologue is me telling him, “Don’t ruin your life”. But I do clearly remember experiencing a joy and lightness, after following that soft voice.

Towards the end of that year, I heard that he had cleared some exams, interviews, and was back-on-the-track. That day I thanked God and was really happy for him.

Then one evening I received a couple of “blank” calls. After the second call, I remembered (like a flash) that it was time for him to leave his home; to start his new life. Next time, when my phone (without any caller ID feature) rang again, I knew who was calling. For the next few minutes, I was quiet and he was quiet. Since, I wanted to close the chapter; I kept the phone down after that brief spell of silence.

My mind-wrecking high school chapter ended silently.
***
At college, I was "myself" once again. During those happy five years, I gradually forgot about my “miserable” past.

Once I completed MS is Physics, I experienced (for the first time in my life) a very strong set of feelings for another person. But, this time when I shared my heart felt feelings face-to-face; I got to hear a NO.

Later, while lying on my drenched pillow, I felt as if a sharp knife was penetrating slowly inside my heart. I experienced the pain of “feeling heartbroken”.

In that extremely-hurting-crying-melted-ego moment, after 6 years, I truly empathized with Subin. In that moment, I heard myself saying sorry for hurting him and thanking him for trying to “give” me something so precious.

Over the next few months, when I found my could-not-be-controlled-silent tears rolling out of my eyes anytime and anywhere; I regretted judging him weak.

But, I did not make any efforts to reach him; to communicate my heartfelt sorry and thanks. Instead I got myself lost into research work at IIT while healing my broken heart.
***
Recently (after 16 years), while writing about my student life, suddenly, it struck me that I owed Subin an apology; for mistakenly reporting against him that “every morning art work on my desk”.

As if God wanted me to apologize, with a friend’s help, I got his cell phone number. I immediately called him up (in India) and offered my apologies. While talking, I felt “lighter” as if a paper weight had been lifted off my head; letting my anger fly away.

After some days, I heard that familiar soft voice (from within) urging me to speak all I wished to communicate in that extremely-hurting-crying-melted-ego moment; and I found myself following it.

I sincerely apologized for hurting him without my awareness and for calling him weak. I respectfully, “thanked” him for his feelings towards me then and for allowing me to communicate it now. All this I said in a flow; as if I would pause, my ego might stop me. That was a significant, emancipating moment for me; for I felt I was floating-like-an-astronaut-inside-a-zero-gravity-space-shuttle.

When I kept the phone down, I experienced a lingering happiness in a quiet, peaceful state of mind. This happiness felt more profound than my normal happiness expressed as singing and dancing.
***
Now, I understand that feelings happen; but emotions can be controlled.

Now that I am a parent myself, I know that there is a “special support” which only a parent can provide. This realization makes me wish that I had shared my mental chaos (in high school) and heartbroken state (after MS) with my parents; instead of sharing it only with my sister or friends.

Further, I wish I had honestly acknowledged my heart felt feelings to myself (in high school); keeping aside all my fears of getting distracted off studies.

These realizations make me pray that neither mine nor anyone else's growing-up-children, when faced with similar circumstances ever commit these two mistakes and suffer unnecessarily.
***
Presently, I am feeling “myself” once again; loving-hugging everyone. As if, I have been reconnected to an infinite source of love which was lying “blocked” within me all these years. This feels so much like how water starts flowing freely through a water hose, when a knot along its length gets undone.

Now, I am experiencing the magic of love while “giving” warm bear hugs to everyone.

***
Aum Tat Sat (God is Truth)