Trusting my Father’s Protection

My father never allowed me or my siblings to go for an overnight school trip. He was an extremely strict father. Therefore, there was no way that either one of us could reason it out with him.

All my friends, classmates, and teachers would go for the school trips year after year. They would come back and narrate their fun and adventure stories; which would make me, feel even more frustrated.

When I would complain about it to my mother; she would affectionately touch my head and say that my father felt that “the world is not safe” for us. She would try to explain it to me patiently that since he had lost his parents at a very young age. Perhaps because of that he had witnessed/experienced the not-so-obvious-unsafe-side of the world too early in his life. And by imposing no-overnight-trip policy, he was simply trying to “protect” his own children from those not-so-safe-realities.

But at that young age, her explanations did not convince me.
I used to refute, as to how come the world was safe for all my friends and not for me. Slowly, I started building resentment against his closed mind regarding overnight-trips policy.

***

I still remember that I was in grade 5 and was the group leader of the songs for an out of state all India singing competition. When I informed my music teacher about my father’s strict policy, he did not pay any attention to it. The practice sessions went on without any back up.
Two days before the trip, the music teacher requested the Head of the school to talk to my father about it. The Head followed it through and explained my father how important it was for me to represent my school in that competition. She promised that either she herself or one of the accompanying teachers would be with me all the time. I saw my father yielding, though unhappily. But, he communicated very clearly that it was the first and the last time he was allowing me to go for an overnight trip.

After coming back from that trip after a few months, the preparations for the next competition started once again. My music teacher once again ignored my warnings. He trusted the Head’s convincing skills.
When it was time, the Head once again called up my father two days before departure. But this time my father did not yield.
That Sunday morning when all the other students were there with their backpacks and sleeping bags, I reached there empty handed with my father. I heard my father talk firmly to the Head, “As per our last year’s conversation, I am not sending my daughter.” The school bus left with everyone other than me.

After that my school did not involve me in the practice session for any of the out-of-state-competitions.

***

Years passed by and I reached the last year of my high school. When it came to applying for engineering colleges, my father declared that he would not let me go out of Delhi to study.

I complained once again, because at that time there were only three engineering colleges in Delhi. And, each one of them was extremely hard to get in different ways. I felt frustrated since his decision was restricting the choices for my career.

To console me, my mother once again, lovingly explained that in his heart my father was wishing good for me. She suggested that each time I start feeling bitter about his decisions; I should focus on his good intentions and simply trust his ways of protection.

Out of all the explanations she gave, only focusing on the trust part made sense. It clearly helped in pushing away my anger and frustration.

***

However, my mother’s too-many-words explanation made sense only after 6 years; when I started pursuing research work (for Ph.D.) at IIT Delhi.

The research scholars from my research group had organized an out of state trip to see the highest TV tower in Kasauli. When I talked to my father about it, for the very first time I heard a YES from him. I was thrilled and shocked, that he was letting me go for an out of state two night trip, that too without any Professors.

But during that short trip, something happened which revealed a truth, in one my longest-and-scariest nights.

Due to certain unpredictable circumstances, I landed up alone (without any of my group co-researchers) in a half-asleep compartment surrounded by complete strangers.
On that unpredictable night, I sensed (for the very first time in my life), a strange-and-disgusting look in the eyes of the men around me (including all the railway employees); which made me feel extremely insecure. I felt so insecure that I felt like crying. I sat up all night, did not close my eyes at all. I just waited for the train to reach Delhi. During each second of those never-ending five hours, I found myself longing for that always-detested-imposed-protection by my father.
That night, I understood the meaning of the-often-heard-phrase “the world is not safe” (at my home).

After that whenever I traveled out of the state/country to present research papers; I always traveled, everywhere with that new “big lesson”.

***

It took me decades to truly assimilate the meaning of the word PROTECTION. However, the following analogy helps me understand it better.

I remember that the word electron was first “introduced” to me in elementary school. Over the years, it became more familiar by “observing” its scanning effects on the screen of a regular TV/PC. During college years, I understood electron’s properties to a much deeper level while “doing” hands-on experiments. However, the enormity of waiting-to-be-explored-untapped applications of that invisible-to-the-eye-yet-omnipresent particle struck me only while "exploring" its properties during research.

Along the same lines, I was “introduced” to the abstract word called protection from the supreme power in the early elementary school days. After a few decades, I started appreciating my father’s actions and words, which “exemplified” what protection felt like through his physical presence and affectionate ways. Years passed by, I moved to US with my husband and became a mother of two kids. Without my awareness, I started protecting my own children and in the process started “enacting” protection. However, during some extremely-trying circumstances, when I cried out for protection in complete trust; I “experienced” the protection from the invisible-to-the-eyes-yet-sensed divinity residing within me.

To me this new awareness about always-accessible-but-never-tapped protection from the divinity within appears to be like that omnipresent-enormously-potent-waiting-to-be-explored properties of electrons. Now, I have realized that just as an exploring mind was needed for pursuing research on electrons; a TRUSTING heart is all that is needed for seeking PROTECTION from the divinity within.

***

I thank God for blessing me with such a father, who elucidated the word “protection”; as an introduction to the always-available-but-never-asked-for protection from the divinity residing within me.

A protection which I now feel, was-is-and-will-always-be needed be it from my own fearful thoughts or from the people around me.

On this Father’s day, for all the protection that my father imposed, I wish to scream “Thank you Papa.” from the bottom of my heart.