Embracing Amma’s Love

On Friday, June 6th, 2008, I was taking a walk after dinner. While walking I was contemplating on my heartfelt wish to meet Amma (much known as the hugging saint) at San Ramon Ashram the next day. I knew that was the only day when I could go and get that much-needed hug from her.

I recollected the family hug I had received (from her) two years ago (in June, 2006) at the same venue. Back then, I had sensed special warmth in her hug which was the same as I had felt, only in my mother’s hug. During that family hug (which she had given to my husband, daughter, son and I all together) my kids were in between me and her. But even in that fraction of the complete hug I could feel my mother’s love; something I had been missing out on ever since my mother left this world (in September, 1996). That was one memorable moment for me and I fondly talked about it to my dear friends. After listening to that, most of my friends had shown interest in accompanying me next time.

Of late, my heart and body had been awfully missing and craving for my mother’s hug. I knew Amma could give me that. Therefore, I was having a strong feeling that now the time for the next visit had arrived.

But the next moment, a loud voice from within reminded me, “Can’t you see, you are getting too attached to Amma and therefore craving for her. Aren’t you getting over emotional about another human being?”

To answer that question, a soft voice from within asked me, “Don’t you know from your last experience that Amma is a highly evolved soul and that she is not just another human being?”

After listening to those two conflicting voices I decided to pray hard, send out my intention, try my best to meet her and then stay open to whatever follows.

During the last leg of the walk, I started going through the facts. The ashram is over 1 hour drive from my home. To take it easy on my healing back, I better get a ride. My husband is not so interested in meeting Amma. I need to call up somebody, who is equally keen on meeting Amma, etc...

I stepped back into home with a clear plan of action. First, I asked my husband and kids if they wanted to join me for the hug. And, I heard a clear ‘no’ in different modest words from each one of them.

Then I called up a friend who had recently shared her eagerness to meet Amma and left her a detailed voice message.

As a last step, I called up my first yoga teacher who had introduced Amma (through her picture) to me 6 years ago; and left her an explicit message.

Within minutes, she called me back and very affectionately offered me a ride from her home to the venue and back. I was overjoyed on realizing that finally, the time to meet Amma had come.

***
Next morning, we (my yoga teacher, her 3 year old daughter and I) drove towards our destination while listening to the devotional music sung by Amma’s group.

Once we reached the Ashram and collected our tokens to get a hug, I noticed an identical peaceful smile on the faces of all devotees; as if a “peace spray” had been sprinkled in the air. I noticed that most of the devotees were frequently saying “Aum Namah Shivay” to each other with folded hands. Soon, I realized that it was their “sacred mantra” to greet one another and to say sorry, excuse me or thank you in the ashram. In addition there was a conspicuous excitement. Devotees of all ages, sex, color or background visiting from all over the world were anxiously waiting for Amma to arrive; as if a very dear family member was arriving after decades.

Amma arrived in time and initiated the meditation. I was sitting on a chair about 6 meters away from her and therefore got a clear glimpse of her profile before closing my eyes. But as soon as I started meditating, something happened within me and I just broke down. I experienced a strong-and-a-forceful urge to run and get a big squeezing bear hug from Amma. I remembered my mother, her hug, her warmth and other relevant memories while crying.

Next, I heard a female voice whispering close to my ears, “Here are the tissues”, while placing soft tissues inside my folded palms. I kept on making those dry tissues moist (without opening my eyes) and that caring lady kept on rubbing my back gently.

After a long time, when I finally opened my eyes, I noticed that the mediation was over and Amma had started hugging. The lady who was rubbing my back, turned out to be a volunteer in white blouse/skirt and a blue scarf. With a warm smile, she suggested me to step out for fresh air.

Once we were outside, she told me about her own emotional experience (which had lasted for 6 hours) on meeting Amma the first time. On hearing that, I asked her (in a soft voice) as to why I did not experience all this “urge and burst” 2 years ago. She explained me that back then I must have been a totally different person; spiritually and emotionally. I knew that was true. When she saw me nodding in agreement, she started nodding her own head. Then confirming with her wide-opened eyes she said, “You know it is good to cry around Amma.” Without talking any further, we walked back together quietly.

While waiting for my turn to come, I found myself constantly looking at Amma. The emotional cycle of breaking-down-and-calming-down continued. Despite all that, I could sense that even her presence was sacred. I experienced an uplifting energy (which I otherwise feel only during meditation) while sobbing, pausing to admire Amma or walking around in that vast hall.

When my turn finally came to stand 2 meters away from her, I found myself in a dazed state. I could see that she was surrounded by 4 white-sari-clad women, who were leading devotees towards her and then pulling them out of her embrace after few seconds.

While stepping closer towards Amma I observed that I was neither happy, nor sad; I was simply quiet and blank.

When Amma called me in her arms and my forehead touched her chest, I just broke down in frequent-periodic-loud-emotional-bursts-without-any-tears; much like the aligned and streamlined movement of otherwise randomly moving electrons, the moment they encounter a complete electric circuit. In that moment, it felt as if I had got ALL I ever wanted to. In the next few seconds, I received my mother’s love in that full-and-fulfilling embrace from Amma.

Before taking her hands off my back, she whispered a few affectionate words in my ear. Then she placed me a few things inside my palm, closed the fist and lifted me off her.

As I walked away from her, I found myself rushing towards that far away wall of the hall. I started howling with my face and palms pushing against the wall. But soon, I found myself calming down (on my own) for good. After that I felt light, fresh and immense contentment all over me; a contentment which I had observed only on the face of my new born babies while nursing them.

In that blissful moment, I felt a new awareness of "completeness within me".

When I came outside the hall, my yoga teacher and another devotee (who had seen me getting the hug), told me that Amma did not allow any of those 4 white-sari-clad women, pull me off her. They told me they could see it was a special and a strong hug. On hearing that, I was really touched by Amma’s sensitivity (to detect my unspoken needs) and compassion (by responding accordingly).

After having lunch at the dinning hall, I briefly sat next to the beautiful lake with swans and lotuses. There, I sensed a quiet-and-a-still space within me, much like the apparent calmness-and-the-vastness of that lake.

***

When I reached home, I felt physically worn out but emotionally 100% recharged. Though very unlike me, I just wished to be quiet even the next day.

The next night, during my phone conversation with my father (in India), I shared that awesome feeling of “absolute completeness”. He told me that he was very happy for me, because he had not sensed “it” in almost 7 decades of his life; "something" he definitely desires to experience (even if it is only for a few seconds) one day.

Recently, after meditation, I registered that Amma gave the same love to me 2 years ago and now; but the present experience was different, for this time I was much more open to receiving.

Ever since I met her, I am finding myself smiling while singing loudly (when alone) or humming softly (around others), “Amma, Amma…” to the tune of my favorite Jagjit Singh's ghazal titled, “Socha nahin achha bura …”; while thinking about her smiling face.

Aum Namah Shivay
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Note to readers-

Aum-the universal sound is to read as OM
Namah Shivay-means namaste (greetings with folded hands) to Lord Shiva
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