Embracing America

Of late, I had been observing that whenever I would talk to someone over the phone, or see some suggestive scenes/posters, my belly would start burning. I wondered what was it and when it started happening more frequently, I addressed it during meditation.

To my surprise, what surfaced was a series of dark images from my past (while growing up in India). It felt, as if they were all linked to a common and precise energy level and were waiting to be anchored and pulled out of my system.

REVISITING THE PAST

I cried and cried endlessly as each image emerged and forced itself out during meditation. The images were scattered and hopped from the ruthless pinching in sensitive parts by an invisible hand in an over crowded bus, to many more intense ones.


***

The first intense image, that appeared was, when I was 13 and visiting my cousin sister (without my parents). I was flipping through the family pictures with her, her husband and daughter. Gradually everyone left, but I continued flipping through the album with her husband in their room. Suddenly, I found his face real close to my bent face and I heard him asking me strangely for a kiss. Just then (by God's grace), his one year old daughter walked in and he immediately retrieved his face. After that, he acted as if nothing had happened.

But, the fear and confusion I had experienced in that moment, started echoing once again.

***

The next painful scene that scared me to roots then and even now was when I was 14. I was walking back from school with some friends, via a shortcut. It was raining and a fully covered face guy in a rain jacket, grabbed me, pinched me hard on my privates, spoke a few harsh words and biked away.

The pain of that pinch, still hurt me with a stream of endless tears.

***

The unfolding of images continued, and got more intense. This one happened when I was 16.

Me and my elder sister were on a summer break at a resort, with my father's cousin sisters and their families. So it was the two of us with one aunt in one room and the other aunt, her husband along with kids in another. Once I was alone in my room, the aunt's husband came, pinched my buttock, winked and walked away. I was shocked by his actions and uneasy with the strange way he looked at me throughout the day.

The next day when he found me alone, he asked for a kiss on his lips by bending forward and closer. I ran down to my sister, told her what had happened and nervously stuck to her till the end of the trip.

After few days, the same uncle with his family visited our home and his looks kept me feeling uneasy. I was preparing for exams and everyone except me went to a neighbor's home to see their colored TV. On hearing the door bell after ten minutes, with books in my hand I opened the door for this uncle. Suddenly, he asked me to kiss him again in the same strange way and this time I was shivering. I immediately ran to my mother, sitting in the neighbor's house and told her about it, in her ears. She told me to keep quiet about it, not to tell my dad about it, for he will stop this uncle from visiting. I was scared, confused and stayed back there at our neighbor's home, holding on to my mother's hand. Once my uncle came back to our neighbor's home, I came home with my mother to calm myself down.

The shivering of my whole body resent those shivers down my body, as his dark face emerged.

***

The last one emerged after a few days and it was of a senior prof. hugging me repeatedly, whenever we were alone, when I was 24.

There was a shortage of computers in our group room and therefore a long wait to run each program. So he suggested that I use PC, in his room, whenever he was out, to prevent delays in my work. Sometimes, he would be back and I would still be working on the test problem. Often, he would come in, shut the door and hug me tight so that my entire upper body would squeeze.

As the energy of that forced hug resurfaced, I broke down.

BACK TO PRESENT

Revisiting now, to me it was like a tearful cleansing of those sedimented impressions in the new Light, which I now, experience during meditation.

Now, I wish, that back then, I had the awareness to know what all that really meant. Now, I wish I had the courage to bring up, whatever was bothering me in the presence of their wives.

Now, I forgive each one of those anonymous and known molesters in my life and pray that they get connected to their Source and not repeat it ever again with any other girl.

Now, I am glad I revisited my past and healed a wound, decaying for over decades.

ON SECOND THOUGHTS

After two days, another thought about past unfolded, as a first thought on waking up.

It was my extreme-and-constant uneasiness, when I would step out of home, on sensing that as I walk, there are vicious looks from street-side romeos scanning my entire body and following me everywhere.

When this thought and the corresponding feeling surfaced, it struck me like a hammer and I realized that of all the uneasy moments, constant unspoken ogling by lechers (surrounding me in Delhi) was something that bothered me, THE MOST.

After the morning meditation ended, I heard a clear voice admitting that, "Perhaps, US is indeed a safer place to raise my daughter.”

That morning, after over 11 years, I embraced America (with a smile) for the first time, as my new home.

***
Aum Tat Sat