Traversing the Spiritual Path

DISCLAIMER: The following writing (which has come through me) is not a counter argument. It is simply a writing, through which I am expressing (for the first time) what I believe in. I have full respect for all those people, who might never agree with me; for I have been there and done that. However, I am sharing this writing with two intentions. Firstly, to illustrate how over two decades, my blocked-and-purely-analytical-mind merged with a heart-full-of-faith, and secondly to appreciate my new faith in the light of old laws of Physics.

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After reading Sujit Saraf's, article about “A Rationalist's Dilemma” (in August, 2008 issue of India Currents), I felt a strong urge to answer a similar question; “How can a Physicist like you, believe in Amma?”, which I have been asked (since June, 2008) pretty frequently.

To answer that, I would like to start from my childhood.

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My mother always said, “KNOW THAT GOD IS WITHIN.”

She raised me (and my siblings) in Delhi, as an open-minded Hindu, encouraging us to worship idols, perform hawans and celebrate all Indian festivals with our friends from different religions. But, she repeatedly emphasized, “Do not ever worship human beings”, each time she read a story about a pseudo-saint.

Therefore, I grew up with a mental barrier against living saints.

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In 1992, when I was undergoing an emotionally low phase, I started praying (frequently) and reading sacred books. During that phase, for the first time, I FELT THAT GOD WAS ACTUALLY WITHIN ME.

Around the same time, I had started pursuing Ph. D. in Physics; which enhanced my analytical and probing skills.

Now, it seems, that during that research training phase, a seed of spirituality and inquisitiveness was sown within me.

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In 1997, after defending my thesis, I moved to the bay area with my husband. And I found myself placed (geographically), farthest away from my family, friends and country. Soon my daughter was born, but I continued to feel uprooted in an absolutely contrasting climate and culture.

While working in the industry, I felt unfulfilled (compromising the quality of work for the quantity), claustrophobic (sitting in the cubicles) and frustrated (with even casual conversations revolving only around money). I often, found myself asking difficult, metaphysical and mundane questions. Without any conscious effort, I started sitting still (and quiet) pondering over possible answers.

As a result of pursuing one of those quests, in 2001, I started teaching Physics at a local university; which offered me a 50% better balance (than industry). Balance, in terms of spending quality time with my daughter, being creative about teaching, finding fulfillment and an opportunity to learn Yoga from a very spiritual, Caucasian teacher.

While doing Yoga, in that uplifting energy class (in a studio), I would sense subtle answers (to my questions) surfacing up; and I also got to see the first picture of smiling Amma (on a badge pinned on my teacher's bag).

Now, I think, that while practicing Yoga, without my awareness; that seed of spirituality had sprouted out.

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In 2003, when my son was born, I took time off work; and just then, the circumstances in my family took a U-turn. My son refused to sleep in the night (during his first year), my daughters allergies ( to food and environment) escalated exponentially; and I, after one year of undetected suffering (from extreme fatigue and anxiety) got diagnosed with hyper-thyroid-ism.

During that rough phase, I started using my super-analytical mind to fight all that was happening around me. I tried to find answers to my endless questions (“What if this happens...? or Why is this happening only to my daughter...?”); as a result, my anxiety, fears and insecurities multiplied.

The only thing that really helped me, then, was once-in-a-while-shut-eye-closed-door-long meditation. With no emotional support from the family, the only support I found (whenever I truly tried) was from within.

Now, I feel, that during those random meditation sessions; the fresh leaves of seeking had started blossoming (out of that sprouted seed).

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Amidst all that chaos, in June, 2006, on my sons 3rd birthday, I went (along with my family) to meet Amma. It was more for seeking blessings from an elderly person, on an auspicious occasion; rather than visiting a saint.

There, I noticed that most of the devotees were constantly gazing at Amma (for hours at a stretch), while I was looking at the watch (waiting for my turn to get the hug).

However, I returned home with a pleasant experience of getting a genuinely-warm-motherly pat on my back; something I had not experienced since 1996 (ever since my mother left this world).

Now, I know, that after that first visit, my trust in Amma's genuineness (as a saint) had started germinating; much like the expanding and strengthening of roots before the trunk shoots out.

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In January, 2007, my back got hurt and I landed in bed with excruciating nerve pain; followed by an intense emotional trauma. The pain(s) kept on aggravating in direct proportion to the frustration in trying to get a clear advice from doctors.

In March, 2007, finally, I prayed and prayed to the God within, and that is when I heard the golden words, “SEEK ALL THAT YOU NEED FROM WITHIN”.

After that, I started meditating regularly (for security) and writing (to occupy my mind). Soon, I realized that these two vents were very cleansing, fulfilling and healing.

I had also realized that while teaching Physics at the university (to my adult students), I was watering leaves instead of the roots. Therefore, during this recovery phase, I started sharing my joy of learning Physics via exploration (in place of complicated equations or tedious mathematical derivations); at the root level, with my 9 year old daughter's class.

Now, I am thankful for everything that led to that tearful praying, which in turn forced a thin-tall trunk (supported by bamboos) of faith to erupt (out of that seed).

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Towards the end of April, 2008, I found myself longing for my mothers hug; with the same intensity, as I was screaming out, “Mama, Mama” in labor pain (before taking Epidural).

In that perturbed state, I met Amma again. This time, I experienced an uplifting energy, which cleansed me during the tearful-waiting time. And, I was blessed with a much-needed inner connection (to the inherent source) of peace, and a fulfilling-motherly hug. The complete story about this experience can be read at http://surrenderlistenandgive.blogspot.com/2008/06/embracing-ammas-love.html.

That day after coming home, I felt content, the way I had never ever felt before.

Ever since then, I have been experiencing a lingering sense of inner completeness.

Now, I feel, as if, that thin-trunk of my faith has become stronger and can stand on its own (without any support from bamboos).

I feel this each time, I hear a soft voice (from within) telling me, “KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOD.”

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Now, I know that laws of Physics hold good in all worlds; be it, scientific research, everyday life or spiritual experiences. Therefore, I make a humble attempt to explain my interaction with Amma through a Physicist logic and everyday observations.

Scientifically speaking, an Infrared (IR) light source (like Nd:YAG lasers), sends out vibrations which can only be detected by IR detectors (and not by the human eye or a microwave detector); simply because the detector needs to operate in the wavelength range of the light source. Also, as a common application, when a remote control is pointed at any digital camera (even those in cell phones); the near IR signal starts flashing in the viewfinder, when the IR signal (itself) is invisible to the naked eye.


Similarly, (in everyday life) I have observed that sometimes (without any logical explanation), I feel so comfortable with an absolute stranger that I land up having a long heart to heart conversation.

The phenomenon behind these examples is commonly called wavelength matching. Extrapolating this phenomenon, to my two (in-person) meetings with Amma; I would say that there was nothing mysterious about (either of) them.

In my first visit, when my mind-analyzed wavelengths were out of the range of Amma's heart-sent wavelength; I did not receive anything other than the physical hug.

On the other hand, during the second visit, when my heart was aligned (with the God within), I could sense Amma's (same-old) heart-sent wavelengths and experience a joy in that empowering moment. A joy, I had otherwise seen only, on my 10 month old son's face, when he had walked for the first time. In this second visit, Amma helped me connect to my inner source of peace; the way I helped my son take his first steps.

Now, I am convinced, that just as in research, probing matters; IN SEEKING, FAITH MATTERS.

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Relevant Vocabulary

Infrared (IR) radiation- It is an electromagnetic radiation whose wavelength is longer than that of visible light, but shorter than that of microwaves.

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Aum Tat Sat